Fun and Humor

A Little, Delightful Surprise

/ James Browning

Over time Asian food has become a favorite and I’m especially fond of spicy Thai dishes that make my taste buds dance. I have come to know the quality of a particular restaurant’s Pad Thai is a good test of how tasty their full range of dishes is likely to be.

My most recent visit to my current favorite restaurant, Bamboo Thai Bistro, ended with a traditional fortune cookie that said Forgive the action, forget the intent. I save fortune cookie messages I like and added this one to the little box I keep them in where the following ten message are also to be found.

– Life is not a problem to be solved. It’s a mystery to be lived.
– You are a lover of words, someday you will write a book.
– Stop procrastinating, starting tomorrow.
– When you are squeezed, what comes out is what is inside.
– The fortune you seek is in another cookie.
– Body Mind and Spirit are one.
– Help me! I am a prisoner in a Chinese fortune cookie factory.
– Time is not measured by clock, but by moments.
– The first step in making a dream come true is to wake up.
– Ignore previous cookie.

Some fortune cookie traditions I have heard are:
– The cookie must be eaten for the fortune to come true.
– The fortune must be read before any of the cookie is consumed or it won’t come true.
– The fortune must be read aloud to come true.
– The cookie must be chosen with your eyes closed.
– The traditional cookie is made of flour, sugar and milk with a little butter and vanilla.

Some fortune cookie messages have suggested lottery numbers printed on them and at least in one case they were great suggestions. On March 30, 2005, there were an unprecedented 110 second-place winners of the Powerball lottery, all of whom had played the numbers they got in a fortune cookie. The total payout came to $19.4 million with 89 tickets winning $100,000 and 21 additional tickets winning $500,000 due to the Power Play multiplier option.

I am grateful for the wonderful food at the establishments that with the check deliver fortune cookies with a little delightful surprise inside.

That man is the richest
whose pleasures are the cheapest.
Thoreau

Never Too Late To Have A Happy Childhood

/ James Browning

Frequently it’s a simple thing that wakes or heightens my gratitude. A cloud in the sky, a stunning flower, a memory, a dream, a hope, watching a small child or even a feeling that arrives from a source unknown. This morning I came across the children’s poem below that talks about a whimsical carefree life a make-believe trout might have. While complete fantasy, the spirit of it put a smiling feeling inside me at the start of my day.

“The Wishing Fish” by Thomas Vorce

What if you could be a trout
And splash and flip
And flop about.

Amidst the river’s ripples you
Would catch sun shimmers
And renew the summer wind.

You’d stop to chat
With ‘trouty’ friends
And make amends.

Or discourse on the willow’s bend.
The gala of the water’s course,
Like laughter of a child,
Would run along your gullet
With the mystery of the wild.

And every wish you ever heard
Would be in chorus with the birds.
As palettes made of rainbows play,
You’d flap your fins
To greet the day.

Along the banks you’d rest at night
And fire flies like lamps would light
The glowing of the August Moon,
Where fish make wishes of their own
And all the best remains unknown.

In childhood I found nursery rhymes and fairy tales caused great mystery and fantasy to unfold in my mind. Then I could imagine such things might happen and could even see them in my child’s theatre of the mind. While mostly dormant for a long time, I am grateful the child within is awakened.  Being able to feel the wonder of make-believe again is a wonderful gift that I appreciate more at this age than I ever did as a child.  I am grateful the sad child of youth has found some measure contentment and gladness for living.  I have found it is never too late to have a happy childhood.

Fantasies are more than substitutes for unpleasant reality;
they are also dress rehearsals, plans.
All acts performed in the world begin in the imagination.
Barbara Grizzuti Harrison

A Small Miracle

/ James Browning

A few weeks ago I found out mid one afternoon that a local major cinema complex was showing a restored version of “Casablanca” once at 7pm that evening. Having never seen it on the big screen, I was excited. A half hour before the showing was to begin I walked up to the ticket window and said “one for Casablanca please” to which the teenage girl behind the glass offered a comforting smile and said “I’m sorry sir. It’s sold out”. I am certain she saw the disappointment on my face akin to that of a let down 10-year-old boy.

I did my best to take it in stride and shake off the “downer”.  My self-administered solace? Go home, make popcorn and watch my DVD copy of “Casablanca”. I was proud I didn’t let disappointment linger and turn into a “why me” sort of questioning thrown at the universe. Ten years ago I might have. Today I am wiser.  An improved ability for accepting what “is” has brought refreshing change.

Three days ago I was surprised to see mentioned in the electronic version of the local daily paper that “Casablanca” was being shown again at the same theatre. Like the first time it was pure chance I stumbled across it.  I immediately bought tickets on-line and was at the theatre an hour and a half early last evening. A dear friend met me, we bought popcorn and found good seats before the theatre started to fill up (which it did). We munched and caught up on each other’s ‘news’ while we waited till show time.

Certainly “Casablanca” was not shown again to please me. However, I do like to think of getting to see the movie as a reward for not being bothered too much when I missed out before. Call it serendipitous, coincidence, luck, a twist of fate or what ever you choose.  I am thankful for a second chance to get to see this wonderful old black and white film about love, sacrifice and intrigue. Bogart and Berman “on the big screen” … what a delightful treat!

A coincidence is a small miracle
in which God chooses to remain anonymous.
Unknown

A Hair in a Biscuit

/ James Browning

It’s Monday and time to head back to work. Time to put on business clothes, ready my work face and get ready for “meetin’ & greetin” people.

When meeting someone for the first time or often after not seeing a person for a while most in the western world shake hands. This used to be a gesture used largely by men, but in this age of improved gender equality shaking hands is just about as frequent for women. The ancient Greeks shook hands in similar fashion to how we do today as a gesture of friendliness, hospitality, and trust. In Europe during the Middle Ages, kings and knights would extend their hands to one another to show that they were not carrying a weapon and bore the other party no harm.

A “normal handshake” is described as: Firm; shake once or twice, but no more than three times; lasts for 5 seconds maximum. There are variations and anomalies.  Sales Psychology Expert, Dr. Gregory Stebbins has categorized what he calls the “Top 10 Handshake Types”:

1. Sweaty Palms – When a person is nervous their sympathetic nervous system often becomes overactive, sometimes resulting in sweaty palms.
2. Dead Fish – Indifferent handshakes that feel like the person has no bones in their hand often indicate a passive or reserved personality.
3. Brush Off – This handshake type is a quick grasp and then a release that feels like your hand being shoved aside.
4. Controller – You feel your hand being pulled toward the person or strongly guided in a different direction, perhaps towards a chair.
5. Politician – Your hand is firmly grasped as in a normal handshake. However, their other hand may cover yours or be placed on your forearm or shoulder.
6. Finger Vice – When someone grabs your fingers and not your entire hand it is meant to keep you at a distance.
7. Bone Crusher – The message of squeezing your hand until you cringe is clearly designed to intimidate you.
8. Lobster Claw – Like the claw of a lobster, the other person’s thumb and fingers touch the palm of your hand.
9. Hand Wrestler – Your hand is taken normally and then aggressively twisted under the other person’s.
10. Teacup – This handshake feels normal except that there is no palm-to-palm contact. The other person’s palm is cupped, like a teacup.

Then there is the more informal greeting expressed to those we often see or as a telephone salutation. I wonder how many times today I will hear “how are you” or some derivative such as “how ‘ya doing'” or “how you be”. Today I am going to attempt to keep count. As I do, I plan to hesitate a second before responding so I can notice how many actually wait for a response.

My usual response is “every day is a good day; some are just better than others”. Today I am going to try some new ones that I found on-line and see what response I get back from people. On my list to possibly use today are variations on the theme of my typical response, some just for fun and others on the wacko side.

Typical Responses
Getting better by the minute.
If I were any better there would be two of me.
Living and learning.
Excellent, but improving!
Doing great, in fact I can’t wait until tomorrow.
I am getting better every day.
Living the dream!
Feeling lucky and living large.

Fun Responses
If I was doing any better vitamins would be taking ME!
I am so excellent, if there was a law against it I would be arrested.
If I was any better I would have to run backwards to keep from flying.
My Mom tells me to quit smiling’ all the time or my face will freeze that way!
I’m still pleasantly pushing a pulse, thanks for asking.
If I were any better you’d have to tie me down ’cause I’d flying.
Happier than a cat in a room full of catnip.
I am functioning within established parameters.

‘Out there’ Responses
If I were any better, I’d need pom-poms!
Having more fun than a human should be allowed to have with their clothes on!
 If I were any better, Energizer would give me my own drum.
Hanging’ in there like a hair in a biscuit!
Much better .. according to my psychiatrist.
If I were any better, I’d have my own page on Wikipedia.
A bit gaseous…oh.. wait… never mind.
Totally Charged. Don’t get to close though, sometimes sparks shoot out my nipples.

After writing this piece I am in an incredibly good mood. Thinking about seeing people, shaking hands and trying some of these response lines to “how are you” have enhanced my day already. How cool! I am grateful.

We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers,
who begin to interest us at first sight,
somehow suddenly, all at once,
before a word has been spoken.”
Fydor Dostoevsky

A Cow in the Car

/ James Browning

Through a good bit of intention and healing, I began to have dreams again about four years ago after barely dreaming for a long, long time. Most every morning I awake now with bits and pieces of my nighttime subconscious wandering in my thoughts.  Much like one who has eaten spaghetti can end up with a few specks of sauce on them I may not remember the whole dream, but wake with little splatters of it on my mind.

This morning as I rose and began the transition from being asleep to an awakened state I was aware of a few random pieces from the night’s dreaming forays. One found me walking down the steps for side seats at an arena for some sort of show and I was dismayed there were no hand rails. In my dream my thoughts were someone was going to fall and get hurt so I made my way down carefully.

In another dream remnant I was younger and still lived with my first wife. We had just moved to a different house and opening the front door early in the morning I was dismayed to see she had let a cow spend the night in our car (the cow apparently came with the house?!). When expressing my displeasure about the damage the cow had done inside the vehicle, her reply was something like “it had to stay somewhere and I didn’t know where else to put it”. Just as odd was the car I imagined was actually one owned a LONG time ago; a mid-70’s burgundy Pontiac Grand Prix “land-yacht”.

A hundred years ago Sigmund Freud thought dreams were a secret windows into the frustrated dreams of the unconscious and believed sex was the root cause of what occurs while dreaming. Dr. Freud opened the door to modern psychoanalysis and made many lasting contributions, but many of his thoughts about dreams, including that dreaming is all about sex, have been proven to be hogwash. Can you imagine what Freud might have said if I could have told him about my dream of the cow staying overnight in my car? Even the thought makes me laugh out loud!

Letting the thoughts about last night’s dreaming kick around in my head I got curious to know a little more and did a little surfing on the ‘net. First, I discovered most people over the age of 10 dream at least 4 to 6 times per night during REM sleep (Rapid Eye Movement). During REM periods our brains become as active as they are during waking, although not all parts of the brain are reactivated. Dreaming periods vary in length from 5 to 10 minutes for the first REM period of the night to as long as 30-35 minutes later in the night. Too bad we can’t remember them in detail as I bet they’d make great books and movie scripts sometimes!

Next I looked into what generally people dream about frequently. The following is a composite list from several sources of what is said to be the most common subjects for dreaming:

Being chased – Thought to be an indication of a threat that is felt in waking life.

Missing an important event because of being late – Looked at to be regret over a missed opportunity, inability to make a connection, or desire to pull oneself together.

Finding yourself naked in public – Perceived to have to do with feeling exposed, vulnerable and/or awkward and may or may not have any sexual meaning.

Falling – General interpretation is falling indicates feelings of insecurity, lack of support or feelings of isolation (common among professional men and women).

 Flying – Felt to represent ambitions and the important part is said to be how you are flying: successfully, trying and failing, flying high or low as possible, etc.

 Losing teeth – Thought generally to indicate insecurity about appearance. Also, since teeth are used to bite, chew, and tear, some dreaming about losing them can mean a loss of power or fear of getting old. (most common among menopausal women).

 Snakes – Many dream analysts believe dreaming of snakes signifies some hidden threat. Also, since snakes shed their skin, some believe dreaming of them may also signify renewal and transformation.

 Trapped – Perceived to mean one feels they cannot change their situation and are trapped by it; literally locked in a cage of sorts in real life.

I rarely stew about the subjects of my dreams and my memory of them evaporates quickly anyway for the most part. However, my dream about the cow spending the night in my car will be the subject of amusing thought for a good while to come. That dream image is vivid in my mind even as while writing this and makes me smile at its absurdity! Today I am grateful simply to have dreams, whatever they mean.

Dreams are answers to questions we haven’t yet figured out how to ask.
X-Files

What Day Is It? (April Fool’s Day!)

/ James Browning

I thought about writing that this would be my final blog because I was part of a pool of people who won Friday’s 650 million Mega Lottery and planned to collect my cash slip quietly into rich obscurity.  Then I thought about revealing that I had made arrangements to go into space on one of Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic spaceships.  Or maybe revealing the year I dated Cindy Crawford secretly and the child we had together that almost no one knew about.  Of course, those were my feeble attempts at a April Fools joke.  There are some really good ones in the past that really did fool people.  Here is thirteen of them:

New Starbucks drink sizes – Starbucks announced the introduction of two new beverage sizes in stores in the U. S. and Canada this Fall. The announcement follows a year of research and direct customer feedback through MyStarbucksIdea.com requesting even more choice in beverage size.  “Whether customers are looking for a large or small size, the Plenta and the Micra satisfy all U.S. and Canada customers’ needs for more and less coffee,” said Hugh Mungis, Starbucks VP of Volume. “Our size selection is now plentiful.” (see photo above)

Auspicious Alignments – April 1976, BBC Radio 2 astronomer Patrick Moore announced the approach of a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event and said the planet Pluto would pass directly behind Jupiter. At that moment their gravitational alignment would counteract and thus lessen the pull of Earth’s gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment of this planetary alignment, they would experience a strange floating sensation. At 9:48, callers flooded the lines of BBC 2 with stories of their brief buoyant experiences.

Flying Penguins – On April 1, 2008, the BBC played footage of a colony of flying penguins that it claimed had just been discovered on King George Island near Antarctica. In the “mockumentary,” former Monty Python star Terry Jones played the David Attenborough-esque guide.

Telepathic Tweeting – The April 1999 edition of Red Herring Magazine, then a successful tech/business publication, included an article about a revolutionary new technology that allowed users to compose and send email messages of up to 240 characters… telepathically. The article attributed the new development to computer genius Yuri Maldini, who had supposedly created it as a spinoff of the encrypted communications systems he developed for the U.S. Army during the Gulf War.

Discovering the Bigon – In April 1996, Discover Magazine reported that physicists had discovered a new fundamental particle of matter: the bigon. Like other recent particle finds, the bigon flutters in and out of existence in mere millionths of a second, they explained. But unlike the others, this one is the size of a bowling ball.

New Google Email Feature – Last year, Google announced “Gmail Motion”,  a feature in Gmail that would allow your webcam to recognize simple actions like pretending to open an envelope in order to open your inbox. Because gesture recognition is indeed a hot trend, this video is almost real enough to believe.

The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest – On April 1, 1957, a news show news announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree

Sidd Finch – The April 1985 issue of Sports Illustrated contained a story about a new rookie pitcher who planned to play for the Mets. His name was Sidd Finch, and he could reportedly throw a baseball at 168 mph with pinpoint accuracy. This was 65 mph faster than the previous record. Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never even played the game before. Instead, he had mastered the “art of the pitch” in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the “great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa.”

Instant Color TV – In 1962 there was only one TV channel in Sweden, and it broadcast in black and white. But on April 1, 1962, the station’s technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that, thanks to a new technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to display color reception. All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their TV screen.

The Taco Liberty Bell – The Taco Bell Corporation took out a full-page ad that appeared in six major newspapers on April 1, 1996, announcing it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger

San Serriffe – On 1 April 1977, a European newspaper published a special seven-page supplement devoted to San Serriffe, a small republic said to consist of several semi-colon-shaped islands located in the Indian Ocean. A series of articles affectionately described the geography and culture of this obscure nation. Its two main islands were named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse. Its capital was Bodoni, and its leader was General Pica.

 The Left-Handed Whopper – Burger King published a full-page advertisement in the April 1st edition of USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a “Left-Handed Whopper” specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers.

Whistling Carrots – The British supermarket chain Tesco published an advertisement in 2002 in The Sun announcing the successful development of a genetically modified ‘whistling carrot.’ The ad explained that the carrots had been specially engineered to grow with tapered air holes in their side. When fully cooked, these air holes caused the vegetable to whistle.

Drunk Driving on the Internet – An article by John Dvorak in PC Computing magazine described a bill going through Congress that would make it illegal to use the internet while drunk, or to discuss sexual matters over a public network. The bill was supposedly numbered 040194 (i.e. 04/01/94), and the contact person was listed as Lirpa Sloof (April Fools backwards).

I am grateful for my sense of wonder, humor and amazement at what people will believe and for the good feeling inside I got from reading about the pranks above.  It confirms what I already know as true:  you can fool all of the people some of the time!

If every fool wore a crown, we should all be kings.
Welsh Proverb