Friends

Unruly Children and Childish Adults

/ James Browning

Some people spend leisure time keeping up with their favorite TV programs or sports teams.  Others enjoying going out frequently and being on the go.  Some give their available time to volunteering or supporting causes dear to them.  Many have lives so filled with responsibility there is little time except for trying to do what has to be done.  I don’t fit into any of those exactly, but have symptoms of all of them from time to time.

Generally I spent a good bit of time with friends, my son or the love in my life.  Otherwise on any given day I am most apt to spend spare time at home with my nose in a book or reading on-line.  The older I get the more insatiable my desire to learn has become and the greater my yearn to grow as a person has increased.  Those are mostly good things, except when I allow my self-absorption to take over a little too much.

In my daily grazing on the ‘Net’ and looking for inspiration for the writer in me, I came across a blog entry titled “40 Things To Teach My Kids Before They Leave Home” link by a woman only identified as Sherri.  In her article is a good list of admirable behaviors almost all parents hope to teach their children.  Here are four of the lessons Sherri says “I will teach my kids”:

– that they can be happy if they choose to be happy.

– to focus on enjoying what they already have instead of wasting time focusing on what they don’t have.

– that it’s okay to be wrong as that’s how we learn.

– that life is short and that they should make the most of each and everyday. They should do things that make them smile, that make them feel alive and energized. Live.

There are some of us who accept our parents did the best they knew how but also know their parental performance left a great deal to be desired.  There are those who were hard-headed, stubborn, even high rebellious as children who never “got” what parents were trying to teach.  Then there are those who moved through childhood being taught and guided well overall who grew up to be relatively well-balanced and happy adults.  I am one of the first group and was left as an adult to teach the child within some of the behaviors that are most healthy for me.

The four items above from “Sherri” are all ways of behaving I accepted long ago as being wise.  Knowing is a far cry from doing.  Having not been well taught such things nor having any discernible examples to follow, such habits never became instinctive. Consequently, here in the late middle of my life I am growing by being a parent to myself the adults of my youth never were.  John Lee wrote a book titled “Growing Yourself Back Up” whose title accurately describes the process and its content has helped me achieve the title’s premise.

One of the issues of a lack of upbringing in some areas is that childish behavior gets brought into adult life.  To me such things seemed natural as that is the way I had always been.  To other adults some behaviors looked like how a kid might conduct them self.  The scenario is one where the child within me always thought some problems were because of the ‘others’ way of reacting and being, when in fact the problem was me all the while.  I am certain there are two wives in my past and a number of others who would agree completely there where frequent times in my past when I behaved like a child!

There has been no miraculous cure.  No grand epiphanies have arrived.  No self-help book fixed me.  Rather by slowly acquired simple awareness, understanding and forgiveness I have become a kinder and gentler man who treats everyone, including myself, much more appropriately.  A slow and difficult process for certain, but one of the most rewarding of my life.

In the end I don’t believe any of us are ever completely grown up and thinking to the contrary only makes that point more readily true.  For everyone there are places in childhood where we got stuck on something and never completely moved past it.  That’s OK.  It is healthy to admit it.   Acceptance of my shortcomings, flaws, mistakes, failings and imperfections is at least half of the remedy for them.  To know this wisdom and to practice it as best I can each day is a way of living that fills me with gratitude and thankfulness.

In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults.
Thomas Szasz

Notes from the Universe

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Two of my friends, one a woman in Kansas and the other a guy in Ohio have over time sent me a “Note from the Universe”.  The friend in Kansas passed along this one last Friday: 

If it’s not yet obvious to you, the real reason for this, and all seasons, is you, James. A more perfect child of the Universe has never lived. Until now, only celebrations cloaked in myth and mystery could hint at your divine heritage and sacred destiny. You are life’s prayer of becoming and its answer. The first light at the dawn of eternity, drawn from the ether, so that I might know my own depth, discover new heights, and revel in seas of blessed emotion. 

A pioneer into illusion, an adventurer into the unknown, and a lifter of veils. Courageous, heroic, and exalted by legions in the unseen. 

To give beyond reason, to care beyond hope, to love without limit; to reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. These are the hallmarks of divinity – traits of the immortal – your badges of honor. May you wear them with a pride as great as the immeasurable pride we feel for you. 

Your light has illuminated darkened paths, your gaze has lifted broken spirits, and already your life has changed the course of history.

This is the time of year we celebrate James Browning. 

WOW!  That is moving stuff.  Each time one of the “Notes from the Universe” has come my way via a friend the message has touched me. Having seen only three or four and then getting the note above, I was highly intrigued and decided to do some investigation.

A brief explanation  found here:  http://www.tut.com/resources/notes/

What started in 1998 as an email sent out weekly to 38 addresses has since blossomed into today’s daily Notes from the Universe, sent to over 385,000 subscribers in 189 countries! These Notes are brief passages written by “The Universe,” personalized with your name (and occasionally your personal goals and dreams), designed to remind you that you have, indeed, been given dominion over all things.

More about the originator: 

Mike Dooley is an international tax accountant-turned-entrepreneur-turned writer for “the Universe.” His “Notes from the Universe” series was inspired by the weekly e-mail list which now has thousands of subscribers. As one of the featured teachers in The Secret book and DVD, Dooley is actively using the Law of Attraction to expand his own business by leaps and bounds. He travels internationally, speaking to thousands on life, dreams, and happiness. For more about Mike Dooley and his seminars, visit tut.com.  (T.U.T. stands for “Totally Unique Thoughts”).  

If you are interested in signing up to get “Notes from the Universe” as I did a short while ago, here’s the link:  http://www.tut.com/resources/notes/

I am grateful for to my friends for turning me on to the “Notes” and look forward to receiving them on a regular basis.  I will report on them again here in about thirty days and share my impressions of getting them every day.

 Happy “Day After Christmas”!

After I signed up for “Notes from the Universe” this is the message I received:

In the face of adversity, uncertainty, and conflicting sensory information, I hereby pledge to remain ever mindful of the magical infinite, loving reality in which I live – a reality that conspires tireless in my favor.

I further recognize that living within space and time, as a Creation amongst my Creations, is the ultimate Adventure, because thoughts become things, dreams do come true, and all things remain forever possible.

As a Being of Light, I hereby resolve to live, love, and be happy, at all costs, no matter what, with reverence and kindness for All.  So be it!

An Almost Infinite Capacity

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Yesterday day at work I recited to someone an alternate version of a favorite Christmas song he had never heard.  With it fresh on my mind, I tried it out on two others who it turned out had never heard it as well.  So today it is getting shared here for the “betterment of posterity”.  

I have no exact memory of how old I was, but my favorite uncle taught me this alternate version of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” when I was still in elementary school.  It took him teaching me on and off for a full weekend before all the words were indelibly stamped in my brain where they have remained now for fifty years.  Here goes:

Randolph, the bow-legged cowboy
Had a very shiny gun
And if you ever saw it
You would turn about and run.
 
All of the other cowboys
Used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Randolph
Join in any poker games.

Then one day the bank was robbed
And sheriff came to say
“Randolph with your gun so bright
Won’t you guide my posse tonight?”

Then all the cowgirls loved him
As they shouted out with glee
Randolph the bow-legged cowboy
You’ll go down in history! 

There are many alternate versions of Christmas carols and poetry of the season, but none I enjoy more than this slightly twisted version of “Twas the Night before Christmas”.  It is a reminder of what the season is truly about.

Tis the month before Christmas, we’re all going nuts;
With so much to do, there are no ifs, ands or buts.
Buy presents, hang tree lights, pop cards in the mail,
Send gift packs, thread popcorn, find turkeys on sale.

Decorations need stringing up all through the house.
And you haven’t a clue what to buy for your spouse.
School concerts, receptions, open houses with friends,
Long lineups, short tempers, tying up the loose ends.

With all our mad dashing, we’re reeling from shock;
Let’s stop for a minute and really take stock.
It’s crassly commercial, the cynical say;
If that’s true, that our fault… it’s us and not they.

Take time for yourself-though hard as that seems—
Enjoy your kids’ laughter, excitement and dreams.
Take a moment out now, don’t get overly riled,
Instead make an angel in snow with your child.

The shortbread can wait, and so can the tree;
What’s important to feel is a child’s sense of glee.
The holidays aren’t about push, rush and shove;
They’re for friendship and sharing and family love.

Hear the bells, feel the warmth, light up with the glow
Of a message first sent to us so long ago:
Peace, love and goodwill, and hope burning bright.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Now is the time of heightened goodwill, of giving, of loving one and all.  It is a time of celebration of children; the ones we adults used to be, the ones we brought into the world and the one who was born in a manger over two thousand years ago.

Aldous Huxley wrote:  Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.  Without doubt that phrase was abundantly true about me during much of my life.  This year I have more Christmas spirit than I probably have ever had and the reason is two-fold and simple:  I have more love in my life than ever before and my gratitude for living is at an all time high and growing.   

I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. 
Charles Dickens

The Road Less Traveled

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

There is someone who lives about 200 miles away who has become a good friend over the last five years.  The common ground for us has been our struggles with life including depression, broken marriages, shame and regret.  When I hit my crisis point in 2007 she encouraged me, often emailed and sometimes called to see how I was and generally gave me support.  Now it is my turn.  Through the lessons of difficulty she is potentially at a new starting point.  Great discomfort can encourage a person to change and open the gateway to growth.  My pain was the catalyst for my growth and I hope hers can be turned into a positive force in a similar manner.   
   
In this current period of difficulty she has come face to face with herself and her past and truly wants to grow beyond it all.  She reached out for advice in an email last evening and what I sent her were some borrowed words below from the book “The Road less Traveled” written by psychiatrist, M. Scott Peck, M.D.

Life is difficult.  This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths.  It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it.  Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is not longer difficult.  Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.
 
Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult.  Instead they moan more or less incessantly, notably or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy.  They voice their belief noisily or subtly that their difficulties represent a unique kind of affliction that should not be and that has somehow been especially visited upon them…
 
Yet it is in this whole process of meeting… problems that life has its meaning.  Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and wisdom.  It is because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually.  When we desire to encourage the growth of the human spirit, we challenge and encourage the human capacity to solve problems, just as in school we deliberately set problems for our children to solve.  It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn.  As Benjamin Franklin said, “Those things that hurt, instruct”. 
 
…when we avoid the legitimate suffering that results from dealing with problems, we also avoid the growth that problems demand from us.  It is for this reason that in chronic mental illness we stop growing, we become stuck.  And without healing, the human spirit begins to shrivel.
 
 Problems do not go away.  They must be worked thorough or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit.  We must accept responsibility for a problem before we can solve it. 
 
Self-discipline is a self-enlarging process. 
 
What are these tools… these means of experiencing the pain of problems constructively that I call discipline?  There are four: delaying of gratification, acceptance of responsibly, dedication to truth and balancing.  

Delaying of gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with.  It is the only decent way to live.  

We cannot solve life’s problems except by solving them.  …we must accept responsibility for a problem before we can solve it.  We cannot solve a problem by saying “It’s not my problem.”  We cannot solve a problem by hoping that someone else will solve it for us.  I can solve a problem only when I say “This is my problem and it’s up to me to solve it.” (You can only solve YOUR problems.  You can not solve a problem that belongs to someone else). 

Truth is reality.  Our view of reality is like a map with which to negotiate the terrain of life.  If the map is true and accurate, we will generally know where we are and if we have decided where we want to go, we will generally know how to get there.  If the way is false and inaccurate, we generally will be lost. 

Balancing is the discipline that gives us flexibility.  The essence of this discipline of balance is “giving up”.  …as we negotiate the curves and corners of our lives, we must continually give up parts of ourselves. …personality traits, well-established patterns of behavior, ideologies and even whole life styles. 

Dr. Peck’s book was good reading when I first got through it a decade ago.  Now down the road in my growth his words speak to me much more strongly now.  I am grateful for the help I received from Dr. Peck through his book and thankful now I can offer a little of its wisdom to someone I care about.

You can’t run away from trouble.  There ain’t no place that far.  Uncle Remus

My Prayers for Thanksgiving

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

Tomorrow is the nationally sanctioned American holiday for thanks; for gratitude.  Beyond the Thanksgiving holiday, the family gathering, the food and the plenty it is thankfulness for all the goodness in my life I want to express my humble gratefulness for.  I have so much to be thankful for, especially this year.  I have health, love, friends, family, good work and hope.  I am humbly and deeply grateful.

Gratitude:  To recognize the quality, significance, or magnitude of life; a warm and friendly feeling awakened by thankfulness.

During the Civil War in 1863  Abraham Lincoln set the official U.S.holiday of “Thanksgiving”.  At the time he said: 

We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of heaven; we have been preserved these many years in peace and prosperity; we have grown in numbers, wealth and power as no other nation has ever grown. But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us, and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us.

It has seemed to me fit and proper that [the gifts of God] should be solemnly, reverently, and gratefully acknowledged with one heart and one voice by the whole American people. I do, therefore, invite my fellow citizens… to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next as a day of thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens.” 

Taken from “We Thank Thee” by Ralph Waldo Emerson
For tender grass so fresh, so sweet,
For the song of bird and hum of bee,
For all things fair we hear or see.
For blue of stream and blue of sky,
For pleasant shade of branches high,
For fragrant air and cooling breeze,
For beauty of the blooming trees.
For this new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends,
Father in heaven, we thank Thee.

“Help Me” by Samuel F. Pugh
O God, when I have food,
help me to remember the hungry;
When I have work,
help me to remember the jobless;
When I have a home,
help me to remember those who have no home at all;
When I am without pain,
help me to remember those who suffer,
And remembering,
help me to destroy my complacency;
bestir my compassion,
and be concerned enough to help;
By word and deed,
those who cry out for what we take for granted.
Amen.

Taken from “MY THANKSGIVING PRAYER TO YOU”  by Judy N. Marquart
My Thanksgiving prayer
to you from me;
Is for love strong and true
that you hold within thee.
A house filled with love
and the light how it shines;
Showing all of its beauty
till the end of time.

Kindness towards others
for all of your days;
To be returned I pray
in many a way.
A good job to keep you
and pay all your bills;
That you spend it all wisely
and not on the frills.

A family around you
that is loving and true;
That you all stand together
for there are so few.
Dreams of pure beauty
as you lay there and sleep;

Through the peaceful night
when darkness is deep.
An angel to guide you
through morning and night;
To protect you and love you
till the end of your plight.

“Iroquois Thanksgiving Prayer” adapted by St Joseph of Peace
We return thanks to our Mother, the Earth, which sustains us.
We return thanks to the rivers and streams, which supply us with water.
We return thanks to all herbs,
Which furnish medicines for the cure of our diseases.
We return thanks to the moon and stars,
Which have given to us their light when the sun was gone.
We return thanks to the sun,
That has looked upon the earth with a beneficent eye.
Lastly, we return thanks to the Great Spirit, in Whom is embodied all goodness,
And Who directs all things for the good of Her children.”

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. 
Thornton Wilder

The Illusion of Self-Awareness

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

In the last decade I have worked with zeal to become more self-aware.  During the last four years my efforts moved into crescendo and that diligence has resulted in a generous amount of healing and understanding.  In the life I lead now the words “I’m happy” can come from my lips knowing I am telling the pure truth.  There are still wake up calls along the way and today I have been humbled!

Bouncing around the net I came across a statement whose timeliness could not have been better aimed: 

The Illusion of Self-Awareness: We are more Unaware than Aware.

The punctuality of this statement arriving in my presence is a near cosmic occurrence as a biting reminder of my lack of awareness.  Less than a half hour ago the realization hit me; early last week I missed the birthday of my dearest male friend (other than my Brother)! I completely spaced it!  To add to the embarrassment I visited my friend for a few hours over this past weekend.  His birthday did not dawn on me then and he is too much of a gentleman to hint at it.  I feel like a schmuck! (Yes, I know what the word means and it fits how I feel about myself at this moment). 

While I still need to buy a card, the birthday present for my friend’s birthday was purchased over two months ago; so long ago I darn near forgot about it.  There is wisdom to be gained in realizing my self-awareness is not nearly as complete as I have myself believing sometimes.  There is weighty truth for me to be reminded of in the words “we are more unaware than aware”.  Sure ‘nuff!

Yes, I had an important out-of-town company meeting last week and a lot of prep was necessary before the trip.  I am head over heels in love with a wonderful woman in a growing relationship that takes not only my breath away, but also at times my focus (it’s a wonderful thing!). Further, work is challenging in the present economy (I don’t know anyone who has not felt some effect).  None of those reasons are acceptable ones for letting my friend’s birthday slip my mind.  I have no doubt he will be kind and understanding about my absent-mindedness.  I am grateful for that. 

Neuroscientist Dr. David Rock, PhD reported almost 50% of the time we are operating on automatic or not consciously aware of what we are doing. Apparently that is when we’re going at average speed.  When we get busy and really wrapped up in specific things our auto-pilot goes into acute over-use.

Here are a few eye-openers from psychologist Relly Nadler of why our awareness can be so skewed from what is going on around us: 

  1. Intention and execution gap: We have 100% intentions and only 50% effectiveness in carrying out our intentions (at best!).
  2. Our thoughts are facts fallacy: Believing because you think something therefore it is true and don’t check your assumptions with others and worse act only on limited or skewed data.
  3. Superiority illusion: We overestimate our strengths. We think we are more successful, interesting, attractive, and friendly than the average person.
  4. Our memory distorts reality: We create false attributions and stories about the facts of a situation.

OK.  I admit my at-least-sometimes guilt to all four!  Of such things I am sorely aware at this moment after having been humbled with a new lesson about awareness.  A ‘lack’ recognized is again my teacher.  At least for now my awareness is far keener than yesterday.  My fallacies have been shown to me as a reminder that no matter how much I grow, there is always more to go.  And further, there is no arrival or ‘getting there’.  I will always be a work in progress as long as I live.

This morning there is renewed self-awareness that allows me to see where my thoughts and emotions can take me, even when it is to places I did not intend to visit.  When all wrapped up in certain things, I can go mostly blind and my awareness of everything else diminishes. 

Life has so much to teach to a willing student.  I am.  All I have to do is remember to pay attention.  Gratefully I have been reminded of that. 

By becoming more aware, one BECOMES more aware
There is no other method to it. It is a simple process.
Osho

I’ve Made It

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

In the last year a person came into my life who fairly rapidly became a close friend. She is easy to talk to, insightful and in ways sees me with far more clarity than my self view allows. When I was afraid to fall in love with the dear woman in my life now, P. encouraged me. For that I will always be grateful. Frequently she will email a random thought she had that turns out to be right in the strike zone for what I needed to read that day.

Yesterday she wrote: That the reason you had to go through all you went through and worked your way out of is to help others now. Your path in life could be destined to show others the way, the truth, and the light. The added bonus is that this makes you a happy man. You’ve made it, continue to make it. You are being rewarded for 58 years of trying. You have influence on lives you are not aware of. That is a wonderful thing.

For me it is very humbling to read P.’s words. Making a difference has always been a desire in my heart but its daily practice came about because I felt it had to. Uncertainty as to how to explain that fills me. In the last few years recovery from depression and other related “stuff” came through involvement with others. Therapists and such were a big help, but peers who suffer as I have were the greatest help. There is something unifying about relating to a person who knows what one feels. Pain is like that. If I come to know your suffering is like mine, I don’t need specific details. The anguish is already inside me and I relate on an emotional level and feel you as a kindred soul. Boiled down, it’s very simple: Getting better together is much easier than getting better alone.

For the second time writing this morning my eyes water up for I don’t see myself as one who makes that much of a difference. Yet when I am told I do it moves me deeply for being a positive influence to others is something I admire greatly in others. Certainly I look up to people who have moved mountains for positive change. My admiration is great for writers and artists who left a bit of themselves behind that enhances living for others. Seeing a person be unusually kind to another moves me deeper than words that come at the moment will allow me to express. But to be thought of as one that makes a difference even a small way is difficult for me to grasp. It has been my affliction my whole life to have an unclear view of myself, often for a good reason like self-protection. To see good in myself is very, very difficult. That’s why being told I make a difference is so meaningful to me.

When a person thanks me for a kindness or expresses gratitude for a little help or encouragement, I mostly brush it off. My manner is to deflect praise as I do not know how to accept it.  Kind words are appreciated, but my ability to express thanks as I feel it eludes me to this day. Why else would I be sitting here typing this through tears? The emotion of the moment is gratitude; great, great gratitude. Humility overcomes me as I wonder how I got to be so blessed to have the life I  have now. Happiness has fully invaded my life to the point I find it almost unbelievable, yet accept it is as true with thankfulness and appreciation.

No longer do I hate the pain I have endured. Inside me there is little animosity any more toward those who have hurt me. The days of being lost in my own dysfunctions I now see as my necessary walk across the hot coals to arrive here and now. I am finding the strength to forgive myself for the heartache I have caused and in letting go of the guilt and shame, I find liberation. Each time I am forgiven and in each moment I give forgiveness the ability to give and receive mercy and absolution grows. Each kind word spoken touches my heart and makes me wish to give that gift back to someone else.  I feel with a greater propensity and depth that ever before.

Years ago I read we see our past lives as moving from one point in a straight line to another point. We see a starting place and a current position when in fact the line from then to now is jagged and twisted. I know well about my detours and getting lost along the way and in spite of all the twists and turns today I too perceive my life experience as a straight line. The difficulties of my youth made me more caring and emotional. The challenges of my adult life made me strong and resilient. The pain I caused others caused me to feel my own pain more fully. And so on to where I am today: abundantly happy, deeply and profoundly in love and humbly grateful for every moment of my life that brought me to this joy I feel today. Yes, P. “I’ve made it!”

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.   Groucho Marx

Boys of Shinbone Valley

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

You won’t find anything about him on Google. If you ask around at random in Clay County, Alabama your inquiry is not likely to be met with one who has heard his name. Only a handful of people will even be able to remember he lived at all. His life was obscure but he lives durably in my memory although it was over forty years I saw him last. “He” was Willis Johnson and he was a childhood friend to my brother and me.

There is little I knew about Willis. He did not talk much. He had two older sisters and the three of them lived with their mother in an old rented house. Their origin was not there in rural Shinbone Valley, Alabama and I never knew where the family came from. Willis was a year older than me and for two summers in the early 1960’s we three boys were together frequentlyriding our our bikes and exploring as young boys like to do. We had many fun adventures and vivid memories from those time are catalogued securely in my head.

While my family never had much, Willis and his family had far less. They always seemed to get by though. No one was over-weight in his group because I suspect food was never plentiful enough to allow such a thing to happen. During the school year when Willis still attended he wore the same few clothes over and over but they were always clean. While he suffered from a general lack, I never got the feeling he was abused in any way. We did not share classes and at school he stayed off by himself and spoke little.

We three boys of Shinbone Valley, Willis, my brother and I, rode our bikes over all the country roads within five miles or so of the main crossroads of our community. We also journeyed down miles and miles of dirt logging roads, pasture cattle trails, hillside paths and did our share of “mountain biking” long before anyone had ever heard of the term. Willis knew the woods and about most everything in them. Being the only male in his household he was hunting and bringing home food from the hills at a very young age. My brother and I were always impressed with his knowledge of the land in ways that pre-teenage boys could especially appreciate.

One particular skill Willis had was making an “Indian owl sound” from his cupped hands. With thumbs side by side and hands tightly together like holding something round inside he could blow across the creases of his thumbs and get a “hooting” noise. For two summers I tried and tried and tried to create it. Over and over Willis showed me how to hold my hands but for the longest time all I ever got was the sound of my breath blowing rapidly over my fingers. It easily could have been the one hundredth time he showed me how to hold my hands when I first made a little of the right noise. Rough and inconsistent at first, over time I became proficient at making this prized “Indian sound”. Later Willis showed me how to alternate lifting the fingers of one hand to change the pitch.

When I was eleven years old my family moved much closer to town and Willis was no longer a part of my life. Once in a while when visiting my Grandparents and my Mother’s family in Shinbone Valley I would see Willis and say “Hey” but never much more. By then those innocent childhood years before puberty were fast-moving deeper into the past. He quit school to work as a manual laborer before he was sixteen.

I moved two hundred miles away to live with my Father at seventeen and never saw Willis again. I lost track of what happened to him for a long while. My Brother who kept in touch with family and folks in the valley told me years later that “Willis went wild”. He took to living in the woods by himself living off the land and only coming back to civilization occasionally. No one seems to know exactly why he did that. Willis was always a bit odd and some say he had a mental breakdown. I like to think he simply lived where he was the most comfortable, out in the woods in the highest mountains of Northeastern Alabama near what I call “home”.

I heard they found Willis Johnson’s remains at his “home camp” about 20 years ago. No one knows what happened. I like to imagine he simply joined the spirit world and was taken in there by the Native Creek Indians the valley belonged to for hundreds of years. I am grateful to have known such a unique individual who could easily have been a character in a Mark Twain novel, but instead was very real. Thanks Willis! I won’t forget you.

Letting Go

/ James Browning

For much of my life I was one of those men women need to be a bit wary of. I don’t believe I was ever a truly bad guy, well not too bad anyway. Rather I was driven by unresolved childhood insecurity, abandonment and abuse that created a compulsion and need to get women to come closer and be interested in me. Underneath, at least on my part, there was frequently a sexual tinge to my interactions with many women. Nothing is offered here as an excuse, but rather as an explanation. I hold myself responsible for all my actions. Bad behavior is bad behavior no matter how explainable the motivation.

I truly am different now. Maybe different is not the correct word since I know such things used to go on and the memory of it all is still in me. A better way of stating my more recent attitude and behavior is I have grown up and matured.  No longer do I carry within a mind that operates like that of a hormonal male teenager on the make most all the time. FINALLY, it is possible for me to just be a friend to a woman. Hallelujah!

This way of being has allowed me to make a few real friendships with women. Through these relationships I am gaining a new understanding of myself and specifically the female gender. I am learning! Previously I allowed sexual involvement to stunt or destroy what could have been caring friendships. I regret those losses. “No more” is my strong and sincere intention and promise to my self. When neither is on the “prowl” and a man and woman can openly be themselves it is not just educational, but endearing and downright fun!

Within the last six months P. and me met and over time have become friends like what is possible between a brother and sister. This sort of a friendship is new for me and something I am very grateful for. Of a sort she has become a good teacher even though I don’t believe that is her intention or that she is even aware of it. Last evening P. and I grabbed dinner together. We ran out of time long before we ran out of words and we laughed our asses off (no wonder they stopped seating people close around us).

Several times when I have seen P. I have given her a book and last night she came bearing a gift for me: the heart you see pictured at the top. She knows the hell I have put myself through in my past and how shattered my heart became. P. also knows a special woman has come into my life that has rekindled the brightness of my heart and ignited a spark within. How wonderful it is to have a “sis” who is encouraging and understands my heart is like the one in the photo: shattered but reassembled, whole again, but fragile. Her gift told me without words she was saying everything from “be careful” to “I am glad for you” and from “I see the spark in you when you talk about K.” to “I will kick her ass if she hurts you”.

How wonderfully blessed I am to be able to let the past go so I can embrace the present. I am grateful for the wisdom and ability that age and experience has brought me to where I can have a friend and “sister” like P. Further, I am humbly thankful for the condition today of my heart that allows someone special like K. to come close. For both women and other female friends I am grateful for their presence in my life without the ability to put that gratitude into exact words except to say “thank you;  thank you very much”.

Letting Go
To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring;
It means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off…
It’s the realization that I can’t control another…
To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective,
it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
Author Unknown

To Melt into the Sun

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Last night I spent the evening and into the early morning with my best friend Mel who lost his father the night before.  His Dad was eighty-six and even with waning health, the passing was a surprise with its coming sooner than expected.  To a son, this father was ‘Superman’.  While I met this man only once I know him so very well through the stories I have been told.  Those stories are wonderful and told of a loving father by a loving son.  

It was an evening of tears and laugher mixed together by two old friends being wholly themselves during time shared that will not be forgotten.  

From the “Propher” by Kahlil Gibran 

You would know the secret of death. But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heath of life? The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light. If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life. For life and death are one, even as the river and sea are one.

In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond; and like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring. Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity. 

Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honor. Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king? Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered? 

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance. 

“I Did Not Die” by Mary Elizabeth Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

I am grateful to have a good friend to who I get to be a good friend to.  Thankful is my feeling for all the times we have shared knowing always we are “there” for each other.  The more years that pass the more my gratefulness for our friendship grows.

When we honestly ask ourselves which people in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.  The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. 
Henri Nouwen