Friends

…And So Much More

/ James Browning

An hour ago I stopped at Baskin and Robbin’s for an ice cream cone on my way home. Today is utterly spectacular without a single cloud in the sky and a comfortable temperature around 70 degrees. It was an easy choice to enjoy my treat on a bench out front of the store.

The ice cream shop is in a strip center near one the busiest shopping zones in town that includes a big mall across the street. As I sat back enjoying one dip each of strawberry and butter pecan, a consistent, but gentle breeze brushed across my arms and face. A nearby restaurant was having a “biker day” where weekend riders could co-mingle, enjoy a live band and purchase lots of ‘beer and wings’. When I first sat down it was “Come Together” from the Beatles “Abbey Road” album the band at the event was knocking out (and doing a fine job of it too!). Looking up at the pristinely blue and cloudness sky I was stuck by a strong sense of gratitude.  It was a delicious epiphany about the richness of my life.  There is so much…

I am healthy and able to be outside under my own power.
I have a car to drive and can provide gas to power it.
I have the financial resources to have most anything, within reason, that I desire.
I have close friends like the one I spent a few hours with today looking at old records.
I love ice cream, especially strawberry, butter pecan, vanilla and black walnut.
…and so much more.

Such moments present true clarity about life. Through keeping my epiphany front of my mind and putting a post it note on my fridge and bathroom mirror, I want to remind myself of today’s inspiration moment.

LOOK AT YOUR HAND. Take a closer look. The skin, the nails, the fine hairs, the breathing pores, the fine bones beneath the surface. No hand like this ever existed since creation began. Your own hand – UNIQUE. Let the hand stand for you: your existence, inimitable, unprecedented. The mystery of you being here. You, who have a particular history, a biography, as well as a biology. You have countless stories, memories, intuitions and desires within you. You are the AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A MIRACLE !!” (Howard Cooper from The Alphabet of Paradise)

Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend…when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present–love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure–the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth. (Sarah Ban Breathnach)

Gratitude, like faith, is a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it grows, and the more power you have to use it on your behalf. If you do not practice gratefulness, its benefaction will go unnoticed, and your capacity to draw on its gifts will be diminished. To be grateful is to find blessings in everything, This is the most powerful attitude to adopt, for there are blessings in everything. (Alan Cohen)

When I allow myself to “just be” life brings me to the best moments. I only have to stop (the most difficult), look (and really see) and listen (pay close attention to what I am hearing) to find a momentary peace that always takes me to gratefulness.

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more.
If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.
Oprah Winfrey

Live Your Life and Risk It All!

/ James Browning

One of the more difficult life lessons to learn has been to open up and allow my true self to be known by others. For much of my life the feeling hidden inside was “if you know who I really am you won’t like me”. The lesson that came slowly was my uniqueness was not a liability and was actually what drew people to me. Trying to be what I thought others wanted either drove them away or caused them to be somewhat stand-offish of the facade I projected. They did not know in what measure it was fake for certain, but sensed an uncertainty that keep distance present. When I allow the uniquely original nature of my authentic way of being, seeing and perceiving to show through is when I am apparently the most interesting. Who would have “thunk” it!

A great benefit of learning to be more openly authentic has been a few strong and deep friendships have grown and blossomed. Of course, that bond between friends is usually with people who are just as distinctive as I am (or  as “odd” if you prefer simpler clarity). After living long without truly close friends, it is with great joy that I have a few dear souls with whom I enjoy a warm and deeply trusting relationship.

It is said today we Americans have fewer true friends than ever before, replaced by lots of acquaintances. Research shows that having a large number of “casual friends” has become a sort of status symbol. It seems in modern society it pleases us to be able to say some one is a “good guy or good girl” based on limited contact. The great majority of the time such a description is made with the speaker having no substantial knowledge of the person being spoken about beyond their general public demeanor (which as often as not is only a projection of an image like I used to do!).

My discovery is friendship comes largely by chance. One never knows when meeting a person if he or she will become a rare true friend or another common acquaintance. Such knowledge only comes with time. My perception is the seed of friendship comes randomly like life does from a wind-blown seed. Once planted it lives or not based on the circumstances and environment it has been placed in. A flower seed that has sprouted in the yard can grow naturally on its own for the most part but the right attention at the right time can help it bloom with strength and vibrance.  And so it is with people and friendship. Some of the greatest blessings I have are those few friends who, with few questions, would show to help if I called at 3am in the morning saying I needed their assistance.

It is beyond my ability to express my gratitude in words for my few close and dear friends.  No matter how hard I might try, I would still be short of the adequate quality and quantity of words.  So instead I will do what I have learned to do when I don’t know how to express my gratefulness and simply say  “thank you”.

“Portrait of a Friend” – Author Anonymous

I can’t give solutions to all of life’s problems, doubts, or fears.
But I can listen to you, and together we will search for answers.

I can’t change your past with all its heartache and pain,
nor the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can’t keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you,
and help you when you ask.

I can’t prevent you from falling away from friendship,
from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you,
talk to you and wait for you.

I can’t give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change,
room to grow, room to be yourself.

I can’t keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But I can cry with you
and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.

I can’t tell you who you are.

Live your life and risk it all.
Take some chances, take the fall.
Take your time, no need to hurry.
Have some fun, and never worry.
Anonymous

Shut Up and Dance

/ James Browning

My DVR is one of my most appreciated gizmos.  Every week or two I surf through listings on the movie channels I subscribe and pick out a few films showing in the future and record a few; saved for when I can get around to them.  Frequently, my searching brings me across a film I have never heard of that catches my attention due to the plot description, the subject matter, actors and actresses or some combination of these factors.

“Evening” is just such a movie.  Critics and most viewers panned the film and I can understand why.  One really has to have a very still mind and be open to the message contained within it.  This is NOT a movie intended to idly entertain those who view it.  One has to be able to relate personally in some manner to enjoy…actually ‘enjoy’ is the wrong word.. to appreciate the message of the movie.

Actress Vanessa Redgrave, at seventy years old, delivers an amazing (at least to me!) performance of a woman near death remembering bits and pieces of her romantic past and dealing with the emotional present of her daughters. As her character lays dying, she relives and is moved to convey to her daughters, the defining moments in her life 50+ years prior.

The full cast is impressive and makes the movie all the more believable.  Claire Danes, Natasha Richardson, Meryl Streep, Glenn Close, Barry Bostwick, Toni Collette and more contribute to making the story feel “real” to me. Far from being just a romantic love story, what is told on screen is a bit too gritty and realistic to be even close to a “chick flick”.  Instead it is a moving piece about life and a thinker’s movie that leaves one with a message.  What I got from it is: There are no mistakes; there is only life.  No matter whether we do good or bad or what kind of choices are made, it is still life.  And life is never a mistake.

For my way of thinking Goldie Hawn said something akin to the message of “Evening”: The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud — the obstacles of life and its suffering. … The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. … Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death.

A poem by Naomi Shihab Nye called “Kindness” also contains a similar message in these words I have selected from it to include here:

you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Ultimately seeing the film “Evening”, reading Goldie Hawn’s quote once again and letting Nye’s words sink in mentally all bring me back to the same place:  there are no mistakes, there is only life.  Everything that happens, good, bad or indifferent” is “my life”  and to be embraced with gratitude.

By loving the best and joyous along with most painful and difficult is how I have found a measure of peace, contentment and ease for living my days.  Far from some mystic know it all who lives in constant bliss, I am just a man doing the best he can who is grateful for his life and all that is within it!  As best I possibly can I endeavor to do what the character Buddy in “Evening” says, Shut up and dance.

The gem cannot be polished without friction,
nor man be perfected without trials.
Danish Proverb

Blessed Are They…

/ James Browning

Codependency is a behavior pattern in which a person tends to form unhealthy relationships. People like me who have engaged in codependent behavior almost always appear to place the needs and desires of other people before their own. These other people often have unresolved emotional issues and sometimes addictions which the codependent person tries to repair, ignore or avoid. That is certainly true with me as I often picked people who needed “fixing”.

Ironically, the source of codependency isn’t about other people – it’s about the relationship with one’s self. Generally this manifests in things like insecurity, deficient self-confidence and even self-loathing. At the core of it all is a scarcity of self-love. Within that condition I spent many years feeling “less than” and that I didn’t measure up. I hid those feelings well and they were rarely noticed by anyone.

One of the tendencies of codependency is difficulty accepting gifts. When someone gives me something, that gift is far from unappreciated. Actually I am thankful beyond my ability to express gratitude. It’s a conflicted feeling of unworthiness in one sense, yet being hugely grateful at the same moment. Talk about bewildering!

Gifts received with difficulty are not just tangible items, but compliments and pats on the back as well. The latter two can be especially hard to accept with a tendency to deflect the good that has been expressed in my direction. At the least there is often some sort of discounting expressed. An example is someone saying to me “you did a great job on that project” with my reply being “no big deal” or “most anyone could have done it”. Receiving positive feedback is highly prized within me but even today I am uncomfortable receiving it. However I have learned to just say “thank you” even though I often blush a little when I do.

There is a tradition in most 12-Step groups to celebrate the annual anniversary of a when a person first got into recovery. Codependents Anonymous is no exception. A brass coin is given which is first “charged” with a few encouraging comments said by each group member one at a time while holding the coin.

The date marking the end of my fourth year was last October, but when it came up in the group to award my coin I always found some excuse to put off the award. I’d say I wanted to make sure “so and so” was at the meeting or something of the sort. Of course I always picked someone who rarely came to the meetings any more as my way of putting it off.

Why I kept dragging my feet on the simple little celebration of my anniversary was simple: Listening to good things said about me on other “recovery birthdays” embarrassed me. I LOVED HEARING THEM but reception of those “gifts of love in words” from the group members conflicted with the conditioning of codependence of not being “worthy”.

Last night almost six months after I should have been open to receiving my 4th year coin I opened up and allowed the group to present it to me. It helped that a relative newcomer to the group also received a coin earlier in the meeting. Somehow my not being the only one deflected enough of my dysfunction to allow me to open up and accept the “gifts” others spoke to me.

Such kindness and love expressed toward me last night brought fidgeting, teared up eyes and even a red face of positive embarrassment more than one. The latter coming from the simple fact that it is still hard to imagine that people like and respect me as much as they said. Yet, I know all spoke honest words from their heart. A day latter the joy still dances in me for the sincere people who said such loving things to me. The little boy who rarely if ever got such praise as a child is happily frolicking within today. I am grateful beyond words to my Wednesday Codependence Anonymous group!

Blessed are they who see beautiful things
in humble places where other people see nothing.
Camille Pissarro

Whatever the Outcome… Forgive Yourself

/ James Browning

Likely the period of most profound growth for me was time spent immersed in learning who I was and coming face to face with ‘what was and is’ while at “The Meadows” in Wickenburg Arizona.  Those weeks in the high Sonora  Desert in 2007 were eye-opening and life changing beyond anything I can describe.

When I think of the experience, the first things that come to mind are:
1) Life is pretty much what you make it into.
2) Letting the past go is critical to having a future.
3) People I care about and those who care about me are what really matters.

On point number three I was exposed at The Meadows to a loosely structured way of making amends.  The process can those willing to listen and hear what I have to say, but is not sure thing.  However it almost always works in helping me make peace with myself.

To verbally attempt to make amends all that’s needed is someone willing to hear me out, even if they can barely stand to do so.  Attempting to make amends with another who does not want to be around me and holds great bitterness and hatred will only serve to make the chasm between us wider and deeper.

The amends process is mentioned often in recovery and self-help groups although the only “written form” I am aware of is the sheet just below.

The process is to over time thoughtfully fill out the ‘amends sheet’ and share the contents with the person you hurt, offended or wronged.  Sometimes sharing it with another is impossible and my healing comes from the focus to complete the form.  At other times it will make no difference and the abhorrence the person feels will be unaffected.

There are other occasions when a someone considers what was shared and accepts the amends somewhere in the future.  And there are the instances when an amends makes an instant difference.  It has amazed me how a person who could hardly stand to be in my presence softened and connected with me again when I spoke my amends. The “Likes/Loves” section can lend a lot toward helping reestablish some equilibrium between people.

It is important to remember an amend is not just an apology, but instead is about establishing justice as much as possible. If the indiscretion can’t be paid back or rebuilt, then symbolically restoration needs to be made.  Nothing says the latter stronger than a true change in the behavior and future actions of the offender.

Sometimes it makes no sense to make an ‘in-person” amends as more damage could be done by it.  At others amends are impossible because a person one hurt has passed on or is impossible to locate.  Then a “living” amends can help. This simply means living differently. Amends are about a genuine change in behavior instead of the patchwork of an apology.

The ten tips below about making amends can be found here in depth LINK
1. Face your own feelings first… it’s not always self-evident.
2. Understand what it takes to make amends. Go beyond desire to cover up shame.
3. Write down the reasons to make amends.  Get out of your head and on paper.
4. Look over your reasons… See patterns emerging?
5. Practice what you need to say in your head. Prepare your notes (form).
6. Express genuine regret and provide measurable promises to change.
7. Decide to meet … face-to-face (at) a good, neutral place (if it makes sense)
8. Don’t overdo it! Avoid making assumptions about their feelings or perspective.
9. Keep it simple and to the point.
10. Resolve to move on.  Whatever the outcome… forgive yourself.

Today’s blog came from looking for a file in my documents and stumbling across “The Meadow’s Amends Form”.  It has served me so well in making peace with others and myself.  The greatest benefit of each attempted amends, whether accepted well or badly by another, is the healing that has come to me.  For every one I have made and all those I yet will, I am very grateful for the process I was taught its many benefits.

The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged;
he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.
G.K. Chesterton

NOTE:  To save the form right click on it at the top of the blog and select ‘save picture as”.

Profoundly Tender Affection & Mood of Merriment

/ James Browning

Happy St Patrick’s Day!

This morning surfing on-line for an Irish wish and prayer to send to a few friends on St. Patrick’s day I found this one I liked most:

May love and laughter light your days…
And warm your heart and home…
May good and faithful friends be yours…
Wherever you may roam…
May peace and plenty bless your world…
With joy that long endures…
May all life’s passing seasons…
Bring the best to you and yours…

Those words stuck me as being exactly the wish I wanted to send to a few people .  After reading the prayer several times I began to drill down and focus on what some of the words actually meant.  Through doing that I came away with a more personally meaningful insight of what is expressed in those eight lines.

LOVE:  a profoundly tender affection for another person

LAUGHTER:  A mood of merriment or amusement.

WARM: feeling of kindness or vitality

HEART:  the center of emotion and feeling

HOME: retreat of safety or shelter

GOOD:  virtuous; righteous

FAITHFUL: allegiant; loyal

FRIEND: people attached through feeling

ROAM:  go, walk or travel

PEACE:  freedom from strife or dissension

WORLD:  your part of Earth

PLENTY: abundant supply without impairment

BLESS:  sanctify, bestow good; holy

JOY:  great happiness; delight

ENDURE: sustain without impairment

LIFE: human existence; animate existence

SEASON:  periods when conditions are best

BEST:  highest quality; most advantageous,

YOU:  total of who you are

YOURS:  what belongs to you.

Then taking those definitions I reworked the eight lines to say essentially the same thing in a different (albeit a little longer) manner.  I am grateful for the added relevance that flowed to me as I reshaped the words to how “Mr. Spock” might have expressed them.

A new interpretation of an old Traditional Irish Wish and Prayer
by James Browning
May a profoundly tender affection & mood of merriment light your days…
And bring a kindly feeling in your center of emotion & retreat of safety…
May virtuous & allegiant people attached through feeling be yours…
Wherever you may go, walk or travel…
May freedom from strife & an abundant supply sanctify your part of Earth
With great happiness that long sustains without impairment…
May all human experience in periods when conditions are best…
Bring the highest quality to the total of who you are & what belongs to you…

Thanks For Your Time

/ James Browning

A message was in my email this morning from a dear friend I have known for 35 years.  Even though we have not lived in the same city for close to 30 years we have used phone calls, emails and occasional visits to keep our friendship intact.  Bob spent decades working in the entertainment industry including some years as road manager for John Mellencamp.  This morning he sent me a story I have seen many times and while I always found it meaningful, this is the first time it had a dinsinctively personal meaning to me. 

James, my friend Bob’s son, has followed in his father’s footsteps and works as a sound technician for a major country act called Lady Antebellum.  Bob sent the story below as thanks to me for spending time with his son.  The tour James works on was in town rehearsing and performing at our big arena.  Like his Father, James is a good man and I am proud to have known him he was born. 

Over the phone, his mother told him, “Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday.” Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.  “Jack, did you hear me?” 

“Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It’s been so long since I thought of him. I’m sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago,” Jack said. 

“Well, he didn’t forget you. Every time I saw him he’d ask how you were doing. He’d reminisce about the many days you spent over ‘his side of the fence’ as he put it,” Mom told him.  “I loved that old house he lived in,” Jack said.

“You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man’s influence in your life,” she said.  “He’s the one who taught me carpentry,” he said. “I wouldn’t be in this business if it weren’t for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important. Mom, I’ll be there for the funeral,” Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser’s funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped to see the old house next door; one more time.  Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was
exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories; every picture, every piece of furniture. Jack stopped suddenly.  “What’s wrong, Jack?” his Mom asked. 

“The box is gone,” he said

“What box?” Mom asked.

“There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he’d ever tell me was ‘the thing I value most” Jack said.  It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it,
except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.

“Now I’ll never know what was so valuable to him,” Jack said. “I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom.”

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. “Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days,” the note read. Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the sender caught his attention:  Mr. Harold Belser.

Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack’s hands shook as he read the note inside. “Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett.  It’s the thing I valued most in my life.” A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.

Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved: “Jack Thanks for your time! Harold Belser.”

Joe immediately thought “The thing he valued most was… my time!”  He held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. “Why?” Janet, his assistant asked. “I need some time to spend with my son,” he said.

There is a story I tell sometimes about a man named Bill who encouraged me to pursue my profession when I was eighteen.  He told me I had real talent for the business and there was a bright future ahead if I would work hard.  When our paths crossed twenty years later he remembered me well, but when I thanked him for his encouragement he had no memory of saying those things to me. 

Each of us never knows when what we do or say will have a big impact on another person.  I am grateful for Bob’s note today that reminds me how each of us affects others.  My awareness is increased to do my best to make the impact I have on people always a positive thing.

Act as if what you do makes a difference.  It does.
William James

What is Most Precious

/ James Browning

Right Now –
-somebody is very proud of you.
-somebody is thinking of you.
-somebody is caring about you.
-somebody misses you.
-somebody wants to talk to you.
-somebody wants to be with you.
-somebody hopes you aren’t in trouble.
-somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
-somebody wants to hold your hand.
-somebody hopes everything turns out all right.
-somebody wants you to be happy.
-somebody wants you to find him/her.
-somebody is celebrating your successes.
-somebody wants to give you a gift.
-somebody thinks that you ARE a gift.
-somebody hopes you’re not too cold, or too hot
-somebody wants to hug you.
-somebody loves you.
-somebody admires your strength.
-somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
-somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.
-somebody wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun.
-somebody thinks the world of you.
-somebody wants to protect you.
-somebody would do anything for you.
-somebody wants to be forgiven.
-somebody is grateful for your forgiveness.
-somebody wants to laugh with you.
-somebody remembers you and wishes that you were there.
-somebody is praising God for you.
-somebody needs to know that your love is unconditional.
-somebody values your advice.
-somebody wants to tell you how much they care.
-somebody wants to share their dreams with you.
-somebody wants to hold you in their arms.
-somebody wants YOU to hold them in your arms.
-somebody treasures your spirit.
-somebody wishes they could STOP time because of you.
-somebody praises God for your friendship and love.
-somebody can’t wait to see you.
-somebody loves you for who you are.
-somebody loves the way you make them feel.
-somebody wants to be with you.
-somebody wants you to know they are there for you.
-somebody’s glad that you’re his/her friend.
-somebody wants to be your friend.
-somebody stayed up all night thinking about you.
-somebody is alive because of you.
-somebody is wishing that you noticed him/her.
-somebody wants to get to know you better.
-somebody wants to be near you.
-somebody misses your advice/guidance.
-somebody has faith in you.
-somebody trusts you.
-somebody needs you to send them this letter
-somebody needs your support.
-somebody needs you to have faith in them.
-somebody will cry when they read this.
-somebody needs you to let them be your friend.
-somebody hears a song that reminds them of you.

Sometimes…
-when I feel like I don’t matter.
-when being alone is hard to bear.
-when sadness over takes me. 
-when I am wondering if anyone cares.
-when depression comes to visit.
-when my inner light is flickering.
-when I feel “less than” or incomplete.
-when the day is hard to bear.
and when the night is even harder….

……..I read the first list above.  Almost always there is a positive shift in my spirit, of nourishment being added to my heart and of my thoughts refocusing toward what I am grateful for.  Then I am filled with gratitude for what is most precious to me:  those I care about and those who care about me!

The purpose of life is not to be happy – but to matter,
to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference
that you have lived at all.
Leo Rosten

Nicest Things You Can Have

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Fresh out of bed while making coffee I decided today’s blog would be about gratitude for simple things.  In my mind was thankfulness for small, relatively insignificant and usually overlooked reasons to be grateful.  In my thoughts was stuff like the sweet taste of strawberry ice cream and how good velvet feels to touch or the smell of wisteria in bloom and smiling at old people and seeing them smile back.

As is my routine in the morning, I come to the computer to begin to check email while the coffee is brewing.  My habit was unchanged today, but checking email turned out to be a moving experience.  First I was humbled beyond words when the one in my heart wrote you are an inspiration for the determination and strength with which you face and conquer your challenges at work and in life, never forgetting to also show and spread kindness.

Living in such a manner is my everyday ambition, but in the desiring and doing I rarely notice if achievement happens.  Rather my state of being is mostly in the doing of the moment while hesitant to look at what I have just done fearing I will dwell on some imperfection or failure that might manifest.  It was pleasantly startling to read what my love had written to me.  My first thought was “does she not know what an inspiration to others she is?”

As I returned from the kitchen with my first cup of coffee, three other emails awaited me.  One from an old friend of 25+ years.  Roger lives in Denver and wrote telling me about the ten inches of snow on the ground there and it was still coming down.  In contrast I wrote him about the 60’s in January we are enjoying just 700 miles away.  He and I exchange a short email of a line or so every single day and have for years.  Beginning each morning with word from Roger has become a depended upon and important part of my morning.

The third email came from a self-help group friend who has a special way of expressing himself.  He calls himself “Still Bill” at the meetings and has a way of touching me deeply with what he has to say.  This quote from J. Krishnamurti’s “The Book of Life” filled the email he sent last night:

Self-knowledge comes into being when we are aware of ourselves in relationship… Relationship is a mirror in which to see ourselves as we actually are. But most of us are incapable of looking at ourselves as we are in relationship, because we immediately begin to condemn or justify what we see. We judge, we evaluate, we compare, we deny or accept, but we never observe actually what is, and for most people this seems to be the most difficult thing to do; yet this alone is the beginning of self-knowledge. Thanks Bill.  Through knowing you I have a little clearer view of myself.
 
Then the fourth email took up the most time this morning.  The note was from Cindy, a cherished friend of many years who sent along a link to a video by now eleven year-old singer Jackie Evancho.  I had seen a performance of hers on youtube.com before and was blown away then that such a voice could emanate from just a little girl.

By the time I became aware of Jackie Evamcho she had already been the best-selling debut artist of 2010 and the youngest top-10 debut artist in history.  The first time I saw her sing online was just about the time Billboard ranked her the top Classical Albums Artist for 2011.  On November 7, 2011, Jackie became the youngest person ever to give a solo concert at Lincoln Center in New York.  She will be twelve years old in April.

I ended up sitting at my desk this morning sipping coffee with filling gratitude that I have wonderful people who care about me and show it.  When I clicked on the link in the fourth email and Jackie Evancho began to sing, pure tears of joy ran down my face.  What a wonderful way to start my day:  Some dear to be close in spirit and in my heart with a little “angel” singing to me.  I am deeply grateful.

A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be.
Douglas Pagels

See, hear and learn about Jackie Evancho:

(early moments)

(Interview with David Foster and Jackie)

(singing a song her uncle wrote)

(singing “Angel”, a personal favorite and theme song of sorts for my life)

Can I Trust You?

/ James Browning

Definition of trust:
A firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something;
being able to predict what other people will do and what situations will occur.

“Can I trust you?”  Numerous times greater than needles on a pine tree I have faced that question.  Sometimes my response is “yes, I can” and gratefully I am correct more often than not.  But with higher frequency than I wish were true it is my discovery my trust was ill placed.

Wisdom gleaned from living has made me more discerning about who deserves my trust but still at times I will rely on those I should not.  Problem is I really want to trust everyone, but reality keeps showing me I can’t.  Instead I have to be reminded that trust has to be earned even knowing then no certainty is created.

Sometimes my disappointment is small.  I have faith in someone to return a book I loaned them and am let down when they don’t remember borrowing it.  Or, I trust a person to keep a confidence and they tell someone.  Or another will say they will do something and forget their words were ever spoken.  Such is the realm of everyday life.

If honestly is to prevail, I must admit the person who frustrates me most by violating my trust is me!  Let me explain.  I promise to faithfully begin working out once the weather turns cooler and the heat is gone, but the cold comes with me still parked on the couch.  I make the commitment to stop interrupting others while in conversation but find myself still doing it far too often to be considered an occasional mistake.

From John Mayer’s song “I Don’t Trust Myself…”
No I’m not the man I used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before I let you inside.

Those words describe a warning that once could have been said truthfully about me.  With my best effort I attempt to not go tripping in my past, but being human invariably I do here and there.  Forgiveness is within for the vows of faithfulness broken in two marriages, but just because I forgive myself does not mean I have forgotten those ultimate violations of trust.   I have paid my penance, done my time in therapy and have grown beyond breaching such trust.  I learned from the mistakes made and am a better man now.

There is plenty in my past to regret, but tears and painful, sleepless nights of self-punishment have been paid.  Today I am a faithful man beyond doubt, but I do it for myself.  Being loyal to another is good for me, even more so than for the object of my fidelity.  Being proud of one’s self is a good addiction to cultivate.

One of the most painful aspects of trust is when one is being honest, but viewed as being deceitful.  It took a long time for the realization to come that telling the truth is all that is required.  Whether another believes me or not is their business, not mine.  If I have been honorable and am viewed otherwise the dishonestly is solely in the other person and his or her inability to see the truth when is presented.

Ultimately I have arrived in the here and now to be one of the most trustworthy people I have ever known. I know this to be true for it is with myself I live every moment of every day.  None of my actions or thoughts are a secret from me.  No longer do I need to try the impossible task of outrunning or fooling myself.  The transformation inside has been remarkable as I have learned to live up to my own standards.  Simple?  YES!  Hard to do?  YES, but worth every ounce of effort, sweat and tears!   Living parallel to my beliefs brings a sweet taste to living I have never known before.  I am grateful for the satisfying taste of my life today.

As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
Johann Wolfgang von Goeth