Author: James Browning

Drink to Me Only with Thine Eyes

/ James Browning

Right about this time, one hundred and sixty-six years ago Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett were falling deeper and deeper in love.  Their communication was largely through letters the two writers crafted to each other expressing their deepest feelings openly in a rare manner for the time.

So on this morning about a week from Valentine’s day my heart is awake with these old words of love.  The sentiments and admissions of love and admiration are as current and contemporary as this morning’s sunrise.   What follows are passages from letters exchanged between Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett in the month of February in 1846, about seven months before they eloped and were married.

EB to RB Feb 2, 1846
Something, you said yesterday, made me happy – ‘that your liking for me did not come and go’… I can see nothing beyond you…. As to all that was evil and sadness to me, I do not feel it any longer – – it may be raining still, but I am in the shelter and can scarcely tell.

RB to EB Feb 4, 1846
And now, when my whole heart… would find you, and fall on you, and fill forever …I who do love you more at every breath I draw; indeed, yes dearest…. You have all my life bound to yours….

EB to RB Feb 5, 1846
Now think for a moment, and know once for all, how from the beginning to these latter days and through all possible degrees of crisis, you have been to my apprehension and gratitude, the best, most consistent, most noble…. In nothing and
at no moment have you… failed me.

RB to EB Feb 9, 1846
Now I kiss you, and will begin a new thinking of you – and end and begin, going round and round in my circle of discovery.

EB to RB Feb 10, 1846
…Drink to me only with thine eyes…

RB Feb 13, 1846
I shall see you tomorrow and be happy. Today – is it the weather or what? …something depressed me a little – tomorrow brings the remedy for it all. …if my spirits rise they fly to you; if they fall, they hold by you and cease falling.

EB to RB Feb 16, 1846
…I was decided from the first hour when I admitted the possibility of your loving me really…. I am more thine than my own… you are three times as much to me as I can be to you at best and greatest…. I want to see you so much….

RB to EB Feb 19, 1846
My sweetest, best, dearest… I do love you… and adore you more, more by so much more as I see of you, think of you – I am yours…..

EB to RB Feb 19/20, 1846
Best and kindest of all that ever were to be loved in dreams, and wondered at and loved out of them, you are indeed! …you are supernaturally good and kind…

RB to EB Feb 23, 1846
Dear, dear heart of my heart, life of my life, will this last… Can it be meant I shall live this to the end?

EB to RB Feb 24, 1846
I was thinking the other day that certainly and after all (or rather before all) I had loved you all my life unawares, that is the idea of you. I may say before God and you, that of all the vents of my life… nothing has humbled me as much as your love. Right or wrong it may be, but true it is… Your love has been to me like God’s own love, which makes the receivers of it kneelers. Do you want to hear me say I can not love you less…? That is a doubtful phrase. And I can not love you more… is doubtful too… More or less, I really love you

My heart has been broken and put back together so many times.  It bears the scars, hurts and sadness bravely.  No matter how many times love has failed, faltered or ended, it has at the same time brought great joy.  As long as my heart beats I will swoon at the beautiful words of poets, become emotional watching love stories movies and books and always be grateful for my ability to feel deeply. I can’t imagine being any other way.


Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Lao Tzu

Popcorn, Pork Rinds, Coconut & Eggs!

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

I love the smell of popcorn.  I love the taste. I love the texture of popcorn and I love chewing it.  I feel even better about my love of the fluffy stuff after seeing an article from 2009 called “Popcorn is Good for You, Say Scientists” by John von Radowitz.

The traditional cinema snack contains “surprisingly large” amounts of healthy antioxidant plant chemicals called polyphenols known to protect the heart and reduce the risk of cancer.  Popcorn is one of the richest sources.

US chemist Dr Joe Vinson, who made the discovery, said: “We really were surprised by the levels of polyphenols we found in popcorn. I guess its because it’s not processed. You get all the wonderful ingredients of the corn undiluted and protected by the skin. In my opinion it’s a good health food.”

Here comes an admission that surely shows I am descended from a long line of Alabama rednecks and hill rats:  I love pork rinds!  Knowing some people find it disgusting to even think about cooked pig skin, I don’t often admit I enjoy it (ironic since a lot of those same people enjoying eating other parts of the same animal).   I feel somewhat vindicated by an article by Jeff Volek, Ph.D., R.D. titled “Junk Food that’s Good for You”.

A 1-ounce serving (of pork rinds) contains zero carbohydrates, 17 grams (g) of protein, and 9 g fat.  That’s nine times the protein and less fat than you’ll find in a serving of carb-packed potato chips. Even better, 43 percent of a pork rind’s fat is unsaturated, and most of that is oleic acid—the same healthy fat found in olive oil. 

Another 13 percent of its fat content is stearic acid, a type of saturated fat that’s considered harmless, because it doesn’t raise cholesterol levels.

Over time I have found lots of people don’t care for coconut and many say it is not a healthful food.  As far as I’m concerned that just leaves more coconut for me!  In the same article, Dr. Volke sheds some light on the subject.  

Even though coconut is packed with saturated fat, it appears to have a beneficial effect on heart-disease. One reason: More than 50 percent of its saturated-fat content is lauric acid. A recent analysis of 60 studies published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition reports that even though lauric acid raises LDL (bad) cholesterol, it boosts HDL (good) cholesterol even more. 

The rest of the saturated fat is almost entirely composed of “medium-chain” fatty acids, which have little or no effect on cholesterol levels.

And one more: Eggs!  Liza Barnes, a health educator adds some clarity about “chicken fruit” in her article “Healthy or Not? We Crack the Case!”.

Eggs are an excellent source of low-cost, high-quality protein. One large egg provides more than 6 grams of protein, yet contains only 75 calories. And the protein is “complete,” providing all nine of the body’s essential amino acids. 

Eggs are one of the best sources of choline.  Primarily in the egg yolk, one large egg provides 30% of the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of this essential nutrient, which plays an important role in brain health and the reduction of inflammation.

Eggs protect eyesight. Egg yolks contain a highly absorbable form of vision-protective carotenoids like lutein and zeaxanthin, which help to prevent age-related macular degeneration and cataracts.

So there!  Four things I enjoy eating which now can be defended as not being “bad” for me.  Of course, each should be consumed in moderation.  But that’s only common sense with most everything in life.  So here I go into my day feeling grateful to know I can “come out” so to speak about enjoying four foods most people put down.   Hooray for popcorn, pork rinds, coconut and eggs!

Only actions give life strength;
only moderation gives it charm
Jean Paul Richter

Two Eyes on the Same Side of the Nose

/ James Browning

For several weeks my job has had me working on a financial project that hasrequired being sharply focued for hours and hour on spreadsheets.  Last week I needed a mental “breather” and took my lunch break to stop by my favorite used book store. 

This particular used book store is quite large.  It has more books that any chain store I’ve ever been in and fills an entire old strip center.  My time there is usually spent in browsing sections I have the most interest in:  psychology, self-help, poetry, philosophy, new-age and health aisles.   There’s even a particular pattern I follow that is the most efficient way to check my favorite sections for anything new that may have come in since my last visit.  Most often poetry is the last section checked as within my loop it’s the final stop before the register and front door. 

This past Wednesday it was near 2pm when I neared in that last aisle.  The small poetry section is located at the very back of walkway created by long flanking shelves of children’s book’s on the right and left.  On the floor just in front of the poetry shelves was a thirty-something man sitting on the floor reading to a little boy about five years old sitting in his lap.  From the way the kindergartener looked at the adult I surmised what was in my view was father and son.  My mind floated to a past memory of my son as a youngster as I watched and listened.

Standing a dozen feet away for about a minute before the father noticed me, I was the chance voyeur of a sweet moment shared between the him and his son.  Overhearing the words being read I identified them as familiar, but from a source not immediately known. 

I sent a message to the fish:
I told them “This is what I wish.”
The little fishes of the sea,
They sent an answer back to me.
The little fishes’ answer was
“We cannot do it, Sir, because-“

It was right after I heard “I’m afraid I don’t quite understand,” said Alice.  “It gets easier further on,'” Humpty Dumpty replied that I knew the words were from “Through the Looking Glass…”, Lewis Carroll’s follow-up to “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland”.  The small boy looked at the book, then to the reader’s face and then up to me and back down on the book.  The father continued. 

I sent to them again to say
“It will be better to obey.”
The fishes answered, with a grin,
“Why, what a temper you are in!”
I told them once, I told them twice:
They would not listen to advice.

I’m smiling enjoying what I am seeing and hearing.  At that point the little guy is looking directly at me with a somewhat serious look as if I am somewhere I am not supposed to be.  At that moment I believe he was convinced the real estate of that particular aisle was fully owned by him and his father.  He looked back at the book as the reading continued. 

I took a kettle large and new,
Fit for the deed I had to do.
My heart went hop, my heart went thump:
I filled the kettle at the pump. 

The young boy pulled on the shirt sleeve on the arm around him.  His father first looked at him and then up at me.  I quickly said “don’t mind me, I was just eavesdropping”.  I would have preferred the reading to continue.  The thought occurred I should leave and let them be but before I could the dad said “excuse us” and he moved to get up to make way for me in the aisle.  I pointed to a bench about 15 feet away and said something like “I’m sorry for interrupting you guys.  Maybe you’ll be more comfortable over there.” 

I browsed the poetry section quickly and found nothing new as I strained to hear the continued reading now from the bench out of ear shot.  As I walked by them and toward the front door the last thought I made out being read was one of Humpty Dumpty suggesting two eyes on the same side of the nose.  That line made the little boy laugh the cutest little laugh.  

Always I will remember father and son sitting on the floor sharing Alice’s Wonderland adventures.  Seeing them brought back memories of my almost thirty year old son as a child sitting in my lap while I read to him.  I found the needed mental decompression I needed when a just-made memory connected with an old one, increasing the value of both.  What a delightful experience!   I am very grateful for it.  There is so much life and joy to be found when I will just stop and notice it. 

Pleasure is the flower that passes;
remembrance, the lasting perfume.
Jean de Boufflers

Nicest Things You Can Have

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Fresh out of bed while making coffee I decided today’s blog would be about gratitude for simple things.  In my mind was thankfulness for small, relatively insignificant and usually overlooked reasons to be grateful.  In my thoughts was stuff like the sweet taste of strawberry ice cream and how good velvet feels to touch or the smell of wisteria in bloom and smiling at old people and seeing them smile back.

As is my routine in the morning, I come to the computer to begin to check email while the coffee is brewing.  My habit was unchanged today, but checking email turned out to be a moving experience.  First I was humbled beyond words when the one in my heart wrote you are an inspiration for the determination and strength with which you face and conquer your challenges at work and in life, never forgetting to also show and spread kindness.

Living in such a manner is my everyday ambition, but in the desiring and doing I rarely notice if achievement happens.  Rather my state of being is mostly in the doing of the moment while hesitant to look at what I have just done fearing I will dwell on some imperfection or failure that might manifest.  It was pleasantly startling to read what my love had written to me.  My first thought was “does she not know what an inspiration to others she is?”

As I returned from the kitchen with my first cup of coffee, three other emails awaited me.  One from an old friend of 25+ years.  Roger lives in Denver and wrote telling me about the ten inches of snow on the ground there and it was still coming down.  In contrast I wrote him about the 60’s in January we are enjoying just 700 miles away.  He and I exchange a short email of a line or so every single day and have for years.  Beginning each morning with word from Roger has become a depended upon and important part of my morning.

The third email came from a self-help group friend who has a special way of expressing himself.  He calls himself “Still Bill” at the meetings and has a way of touching me deeply with what he has to say.  This quote from J. Krishnamurti’s “The Book of Life” filled the email he sent last night:

Self-knowledge comes into being when we are aware of ourselves in relationship… Relationship is a mirror in which to see ourselves as we actually are. But most of us are incapable of looking at ourselves as we are in relationship, because we immediately begin to condemn or justify what we see. We judge, we evaluate, we compare, we deny or accept, but we never observe actually what is, and for most people this seems to be the most difficult thing to do; yet this alone is the beginning of self-knowledge. Thanks Bill.  Through knowing you I have a little clearer view of myself.
 
Then the fourth email took up the most time this morning.  The note was from Cindy, a cherished friend of many years who sent along a link to a video by now eleven year-old singer Jackie Evancho.  I had seen a performance of hers on youtube.com before and was blown away then that such a voice could emanate from just a little girl.

By the time I became aware of Jackie Evamcho she had already been the best-selling debut artist of 2010 and the youngest top-10 debut artist in history.  The first time I saw her sing online was just about the time Billboard ranked her the top Classical Albums Artist for 2011.  On November 7, 2011, Jackie became the youngest person ever to give a solo concert at Lincoln Center in New York.  She will be twelve years old in April.

I ended up sitting at my desk this morning sipping coffee with filling gratitude that I have wonderful people who care about me and show it.  When I clicked on the link in the fourth email and Jackie Evancho began to sing, pure tears of joy ran down my face.  What a wonderful way to start my day:  Some dear to be close in spirit and in my heart with a little “angel” singing to me.  I am deeply grateful.

A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be.
Douglas Pagels

See, hear and learn about Jackie Evancho:

(early moments)

(Interview with David Foster and Jackie)

(singing a song her uncle wrote)

(singing “Angel”, a personal favorite and theme song of sorts for my life)

Between Now and the Next Midnight

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

How will today be different from the one before and the one before that?  Will it be unique because of what I experience outside of me?  Or will this new day be made distinctive due to what is felt inside?  Somewhere between work, sleep, responsibility and interaction with others will there be inspiration to make this day highly memorable? Will today bring something I will always remember, or will it fade unremarkably into another page in the over 20,000 pages of my life so far?

As those questions ping-pong around mentally as I write them, a silent voice says to me “that’s up to you”.  Whether what I hear noiselessly is simply me speaking my own thought or is that four word answer from somewhere beyond my knowing is of no consequence.  All I need do is openly accept what happens today is more up to me than any other force on this Earth.

In the last nine months I have discovered taking the time to mentally and emotionally mark the start of a new day makes every one better.  Instead of free-falling into another date on the calendar without intention or direction of my own choosing as was long my habit, now I come here to kick-start another morning.  Sitting here writing, watching out my office window as the night turns into day and really noticing what I see is a slow miracle I used to miss completely.

From sitting in one spot for an hour or so while looking up now and then the seasons come noticed by a greater awareness.  The subtlety of changes in the cypress tree in the yard are obvious now.  Today that tree is gray and seems to be hanging its limbs down as it rests and builds energy to burst forward with green as I know it will begin to do in six weeks.

From my vantage point I can see daffodil shoots that have popped through the ground early this year. It is only early February!  The winter has been warm and those flowering harbingers of spring seem to think the days of April are already upon us.  Will they make it until Spring undamaged?  Will I be outside covering them with mulch to protect them from real winter that finally arrives?  With my heightened awareness I know those questions will be answered all in good time.  For now I am content to enjoy what is, just as it is.

Each morning comes bearing a new gift of renewal, redemption and another chance to start all over again.  Life does not go on and on and on forever for anyone.  It begins and ends.  Of that reality I become more aware of as I move closer toward my days of old age.  I do not fear them really, although I do have apprehension about death.  It is not trepidation about what happens after I expire or worries of a spiritual nature.  Rather, it is anxiousness toward the process of moving away from breathing and physical awareness that is worrisome to me in varying increments and at varied times.  That’s OK life should have its mystery and intrigue.  Again, I accept what is, just as it is.

Today I write my thoughts not to push some personal dread upon the world, but rather to wave the flag of life.  It is a reminder that I am here for only a time and like all other days my chance at life in this one will pass.  More than ever I want to make my days count for something.  Small or large, my hope is to leave the world better for having been here.  The thought of a life filled only with consuming, taking up space and contributing waste is not something I allow myself any longer.  Once upon a time, certainly that was true of me.  I was a “taker” of all I could get, thinking grabbing then would offset the long before shortages of youth.  Now it is clear to me, life is far from best when lived in that manner.

No doubt I will be imperfect today.  I will make mistakes.  Scoring the quantity of my missteps is of little use.  Instead keeping a tally or at least noticing what good has been done is what matters.  What will I do today that improves life even if for just one person?

Will it be the smile and “good morning” I speak to some overly solemn person on an elevator?  Will it be the person I let cut in front of me in the backed up traffic?  Will it be the email sent to a friend that arrives with a caring word just when they need it?  Will it be the “good job” or word of support I might give a coworker?  Will someone reading what I have cast into the world here via the Internet get a positive thought which changes the mood of their day for the better?  Or will I be called on to do something rare and miraculous that saves a life or inspires another to?

Only living out my day will answer those questions.  My awareness and desire to make today count will power me through the hours between now and the next midnight.  I am deeply grateful for lungs that breathe, a heart that pumps and a mind that thinks that allows me to be awake and aware on another morning.  It is my intention to practice something I speak often:  “Have a great day and make it count”! 

“The Guest House” by Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

A Beautiful Struggle

/ James Browning

For close to 20 years, when asked what I hoped for most my answer was the same:  I want peace.  My desire was for tranquility within; for the storm of emotions to die down to a distant soft rumble; for feeling so constantly troubled to change.  What I wanted so badly is found in a basic definition of peace:  freedom from disturbance; quietness; tranquility; calmness; stillness.

The reasons peace stayed beyond my reach were within since I was little, but I did not consciously know that for a long, long time.  My first hand awareness did not begin to come until my late 30’s.  That wish alone for peace was the actual beginning of moving toward it.  However I was 50-something before I had enough focus to make changes for the better and begin to find “freedom from disturbance”.   That came not in doing away mentally with what happened to me when younger, but instead learning to coexist with those things.  I had to learn to see clearly through and beyond my “junk from childhood”.

Here’s a teaching tale told about Buddha that helps to explain, at least in part, how to find peace.   Once Buddha was walking from one town to another town with a few of his followers. While they were traveling, they happened to pass a lake. They stopped there and Buddha told one of his disciples, “I am thirsty. Please get me some water from that lake.”

The disciple walked to the lake. When he reached it, he noticed some people were washing clothes in the water and others were bathing in the lake.  As a result, the water was stirred up and murky.  The disciple thought, “I can’t give this muddy water to Buddha to drink!” So he came back and told Buddha, “The water in there is very muddy and not fit to drink.”

After about an hour, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go to the lake and get him some water to drink. The disciple obediently went back and found all the bathers and washers were no longer in sight.  Now the lake was clear. The mud had settled down and the water above it looked clear and clean.  He collected water and brought it to Buddha.

Buddha looked at the water, and then he looked up at the disciple and said, “See what you did to make the water clean. You let it be … and the mud settled down on its own – and you got clear water.  Your mind is also like that. When it is disturbed, just let it be. Give it a little time. Let thoughts pass and your mind will settle down on its own. You don’t have to put in great effort to calm it down. It will happen. Let go your grip on your thoughts and it becomes effortless to gain peace.”

That’s a great story, but does not address how one lets go of habitual ways of thinking and stops threshing in the mental water making it muddy.  My efforts for peace within could not take root until there was awareness for what caused my mind to be muddy.  I had to bring to the surface my childhood traumas and abuse, make them commonly known and accepted.  Then through hard work, healing and understanding the majority of their energy over me was taken away.   I had to cultivate a new way of being to let the “water of my mind” clear.

Breaking habits and ways of being so deeply ingrained was literally “facing my own dragon”, learning I could not slay it and befriending him instead.  And in doing so I took away the negative fire of my dragon and learned to coexist with him.  I learned “peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart”.

Some things I learned are good weapons to use when my “dragon” wants to breathe fire:
Read, study and learn
Spread good feelings and kindness
Be as present as possible in the “now”
Love without boundaries as much as I can
Forgive and remember forgiveness is an act of peace
Cultivate and tend empathy and understanding of myself
Meditation and reflection are acts of encouraging internal peace
Stay involved with others who bravely battle what I do (self-help meetings)
Be kind to others and myself keeping mentally fresh that kindness is an act of peace

Happiness and suffering are states of mind, and so their main causes cannot be found outside the mind.  The knowing intellectually of that truth combined with actions to practice it has been life changing.  I am incredibly grateful!

Life is a beautiful struggle.
Martin Luther King

Quiet Joy

/ James Browning

Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot.
Nigerian Hausa proverb

Still sleepy and only minutes after rising from bed I was headed to the kitchen to make coffee.  As I walked down the hall a greater than usual sense of gratefulness struck me. Now about ten minutes later I decided to make a list of what readily comes to mind today that I am grateful for: 

I am not just alive, but in good health and able to do most anything.

I have a healthy, curious mind that always wants to learn.

The bed I slept in last night that was so comfortable with covers that are clean and warm.

The house where I live that keeps me safe.

Central heat and air that makes my home cozy.

The comfy clothes I am wearing and the great variety of other things to wear in my closet.

Indoor plumbing that allows me to have a working bathroom.

Electricity for my alarm clock that woke me, for the lights that make the dark, light and power my coffee pot.

The dish washer I unloaded while I smelled the coffee brewing.

The trash pickup that comes today I was reminded of as I took a bag to the curb minutes ago.

The computer where I am writing this now. 

A well stocked refrigerator that allows me a variety of choices for breakfast.

I am decadently spoiled having three cars for just the “one of me”. 

I am in love and am loved.

Caring friends I know I can count on to be there for me.

A good job that is challenging and  I enjoy most days.

A television and more channels than I can ever watch on cable and music of all sorts to enjoy.

A stove to make breakfast on this morning.

The pictures in my office that remind me of my son I am very proud of.

The photographs leaning against the walls in the hall that need to be hung knowing I am lucky to have the equipment to have taken them.

The overall peace of mind I enjoy that comes from facing my demons and doing the hard work necessary.

I can afford a cleaning lady who will come today to make my home squeaky clean.

The books laying all around the house and in my library that have been my greatest educators.

Working senses of taste, smell and touch… seeing eyes and ears that hear.  

The knowing without doubt there is a power beyond me, even if I don’t understand it.   

In the fifteen minutes it took me to type the list above of what quickly bounced into my head to be grateful for, my overall mood improved markedly.  And I was feeling good to begin with!  Although it has happened many times, I am still frequently blown away by the positive impact of openly expressing gratefulness.  The abundance enjoyed is beyond what I could ever have dreamed of as a child.

Life has shown me clearly that gratitude truly is one of the most important ingredients of a fulfilling life.  I am thankful for all my blessings and even more so, for the capacity to know gratitude for them.    

There is a calmness to a life lived in gratitude, a quiet joy.
Ralph H. Blum

So the Present Can Be More Present

/ James Browning / 1 Comment

Some believe we hold on so tightly to our problems because they can give us a sense of identity. The theory goes that we replay past mistakes over and over again mentally which allows feelings of shame and regret to shape our present. There is a clinging to worry about the future, as if that somehow lends strength.   I am guilty of spinning such self-deception thinking that if I can finally crack the mystery of something in the past somehow the key to the future will be unveiled.

What I have learned is the “key” to the future is “today”.  By living well in the present is how I can best effect what is yet to be.  There are few answers, if any, to be found in the past.  No amount of fretting, pointed thinking or anguish will find sense and logic where none actually exists.  Looking from “now” into the past is sort of like looking through a kaleidoscope:  the view is colorful and interesting, but in no way is an accurate view. My memory of something in the past is actually a story I have spun to remember what I think happened.  It is NOT what actually happened, but only my story about the happening:  factual or inaccurate in what measures is impossible to know.

Even with the knowing my view of the past is no more than partially correct I am still guilty of holding too tightly to some of my delusions about happenings of long ago.  They may even be lies I tell myself, but regardless I know them well.  And in knowing them well I trust what is not trustworthy in the first place.  This is one of the reasons that expressing myself openly and fully to someone I care deeply about is so difficult for me.  All the knowledge I have acquired and tools I have learned for coping with life have not erased the tendency to regulate today based on the past.  The fear of telling my true and deep feelings remains a challenge.

There is someone special in life who I have opened my heart to and found love with.  For years I thought that would never happen again.  In part, I wished it wouldn’t as a way of trying to protect myself from being hurt.  Love, like life, works best when its movement forward is free, but guided somewhat by lessons learned:  signposts created through difficulty dealt with and adversity overcome.  However, the key is the lessons must be viewed in “past tense” with only the wisdom gained being present today.

I have had difficulty expressing my feelings about something specific for several weeks to my special someone.  Hesitation came from reviving memories of the past and making them alive in the present.  Clear in memory is telling one in my past “I can’t tell you my problems because if I do you’ll only make them worse by using them against me”.  That ember of the past floated into the present, blazed brightly and blinded me with its heat and smoke.

After trying for several weeks to speak about what was bothering me, I exercised both courage and cowardness by expressing my feelings in writing.  My preference would have been to speak my thoughts, but they would not form in an audible manner.  So I typed them in MS Word instead.  When I pressed ‘send’ for the email, at least I knew I was being open, honest and caring.  I hoped for the best.

While I had not specific idea how the woman in my life would react, I hoped everything would be OK.  That it would turn out that way could have been seen more easily had I judged our relationship purely by what we have shared.  However, as hard as I try for it not to be a factor my old conditioning from the past jumped up to be a strong force.  My primary mistake is thinking the past was completely past and of little influence on my present.  What has come before will continue to fade as time passes, but will never disappear completely.  This was a wakeup call proving that.  Avoiding getting caught up in my history does not mean blocking it or forgetting it.  Rather I just need to pay some attention to the signposts of wisdom gained along the way and let go of past pain and heartache.

Having not slept well due to concern about how my letter would be received, I was greatly relieved when the woman I love responded this morning with a kind and understanding email.  Yes, there is something to deal with but it exists ONLY due to how we both have been treated in our past.  We will work together to make the past, past, so the present can be more present.  Now that has been recognized a return to living in the present is upon me.  I only hope the same can be said for her and as much as I want to make it so, I can not.  As I must deal with “my stuff”, she must deal with hers.  If we both do so with courage and good intention what we share will strengthen, the present will grow more vibrant and the past less influential.  With hope and gratitude I believe that is what will happen.

The past is our definition.  We may strive, with good reason,
to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it
but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.
Wendell Berry

A Do-It-Yourself Blog

/ James Browning

Here today are few words and collage of photos intended for the do-it-yourselfer.  Take in the three word definitions and the photos of people.  Then spend a few moments with reflecting on them.  You are almost guaranteed to feel better!  

Happiness:   good fortune,  prosperity, a state of well-being and contentment, a pleasurable or satisfying experience, a mental state of well-being

Joy:  a deep feeling of happiness or contentment, outward show of pleasure or delight; rejoicing, well-being, success, or good fortune

Bliss:  immense happiness; serene joy, the ecstatic joy of near heaven, serenely joyful or glad, supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment, euphoria

Joy, Bliss and Happiness are catching!  I am very grateful for how good putting this together left me feeling!

If you want to be happy, be.
Leo Tolstoy

Can I Trust You?

/ James Browning

Definition of trust:
A firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something;
being able to predict what other people will do and what situations will occur.

“Can I trust you?”  Numerous times greater than needles on a pine tree I have faced that question.  Sometimes my response is “yes, I can” and gratefully I am correct more often than not.  But with higher frequency than I wish were true it is my discovery my trust was ill placed.

Wisdom gleaned from living has made me more discerning about who deserves my trust but still at times I will rely on those I should not.  Problem is I really want to trust everyone, but reality keeps showing me I can’t.  Instead I have to be reminded that trust has to be earned even knowing then no certainty is created.

Sometimes my disappointment is small.  I have faith in someone to return a book I loaned them and am let down when they don’t remember borrowing it.  Or, I trust a person to keep a confidence and they tell someone.  Or another will say they will do something and forget their words were ever spoken.  Such is the realm of everyday life.

If honestly is to prevail, I must admit the person who frustrates me most by violating my trust is me!  Let me explain.  I promise to faithfully begin working out once the weather turns cooler and the heat is gone, but the cold comes with me still parked on the couch.  I make the commitment to stop interrupting others while in conversation but find myself still doing it far too often to be considered an occasional mistake.

From John Mayer’s song “I Don’t Trust Myself…”
No I’m not the man I used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before I let you inside.

Those words describe a warning that once could have been said truthfully about me.  With my best effort I attempt to not go tripping in my past, but being human invariably I do here and there.  Forgiveness is within for the vows of faithfulness broken in two marriages, but just because I forgive myself does not mean I have forgotten those ultimate violations of trust.   I have paid my penance, done my time in therapy and have grown beyond breaching such trust.  I learned from the mistakes made and am a better man now.

There is plenty in my past to regret, but tears and painful, sleepless nights of self-punishment have been paid.  Today I am a faithful man beyond doubt, but I do it for myself.  Being loyal to another is good for me, even more so than for the object of my fidelity.  Being proud of one’s self is a good addiction to cultivate.

One of the most painful aspects of trust is when one is being honest, but viewed as being deceitful.  It took a long time for the realization to come that telling the truth is all that is required.  Whether another believes me or not is their business, not mine.  If I have been honorable and am viewed otherwise the dishonestly is solely in the other person and his or her inability to see the truth when is presented.

Ultimately I have arrived in the here and now to be one of the most trustworthy people I have ever known. I know this to be true for it is with myself I live every moment of every day.  None of my actions or thoughts are a secret from me.  No longer do I need to try the impossible task of outrunning or fooling myself.  The transformation inside has been remarkable as I have learned to live up to my own standards.  Simple?  YES!  Hard to do?  YES, but worth every ounce of effort, sweat and tears!   Living parallel to my beliefs brings a sweet taste to living I have never known before.  I am grateful for the satisfying taste of my life today.

As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
Johann Wolfgang von Goeth