Author: James Browning

A Multi-Colored Continuum

/ James Browning

At four years old I had all the world I wanted: Davy Crockett gloves with fringe, a tricycle, parents I still thought were cool and grandparents who fussed over their oldest grand boy. The world was a giant mystery that I was busy discovering. Each morning I woke up liking life.

With no kindergarten where I grew up, the day I was thrust into first grade was scary. I didn’t want to be there. Quiet and withdrawn, in time I found a good friend that got me through. The buddy was school that came easy. I liked succeeding at something and being appreciated for it.

Before I knew it the age of ten rolled around. This was the year life began to bring real disappointment and even fear as a “nasty stepfather” came into my life. I learned to dislike and even hate through how he treated my brother and I. The lesson was some people truly are evil.

It was a Sunday afternoon and I was thirteen when something never felt before came over me. A magnetic attraction toward a girl was sparkling new and near startling, but felt deliciously daring. I didn’t understand what was going on but I liked what I was feeling during that sweet and innocent afternoon.

In what felt like only a month, two more years passed and almost abruptly I was sixteen years old, had a car (a blue VW) and was ‘in love’ for the first time. I witnessed an amazing sense of being vibrantly alive before the coin flipped to introduce me to romantic heartbreak for the first time six months later.

The world began to go crazy. I was kicked out of home for reasons I don’t understand even today. I was a good kid, a Boy Scout and an honor student but the “evil pretend father” feared me after I stood up to him the first time. He took my car and pushed me out of the house.  Walking down the street with a suitcase and enough money for a motel and food for two days was one of the most fearful moments I’ve ever experienced.

The words I spoke in the phone booth were “I have no place to go. Can I come live with you?”. On the other end of the line was my birth father who was near a complete stranger.  I had seen him only twice since I was seven years old. From two hundred miles away came the word “yes” and one of the best years of my growing up began; my senior year of high school.

Looking back at the plethora of emotions touching me for the first time, my memory is clear of how bewildering life was during those formative years. At the same time I felt vibrantly alive during the ups and downs. Living was filled with near constant firsts and fresh experiences and quite possibly the deepest range of joy and unhappiness ever experienced. Each and every one was a tile in the mosaic of the person I am today.

In recent years the view has arrived of seeing life as a multi-colored continuum instead of separate individual experiences. Each and every event and occurrence are connected. Like a “draw by numbers” portrait those first eighteen years shaped the outline of who I became and am today. I am grateful to be able to look back now and realize how important ALL those experiences were.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go,
things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right,
you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
Marilyn Monroe

If You Have Something to Say

/ James Browning

Her Facebook page says “I am a myth. The myth is real”. If you go searching for information about C. JoyBell C. you won’t find much other than her quotes which are deep and frequently inspiration. All I can tell from a photo (above) and short interview I found on-line  is she is young with wisdom beyond her years.

C. Joybell C. is self-described as “an American born self-taught writer of Asiatic Anglo-Celtic European descent… grew up in-between cultures and crossing borders… great-grandfather was a Taoist High Priest… other great-grandfather was a Southern Georgia Baptist Herald. Fighting to live life for herself and not for others, she is defying her status quo in being a writer and this is exemplary of who she is.” She is the author of “Saint Paul Trois Châteaux: 1948” and “The Sun Is Snowing: Poetry & Prose.”

I can offer no more, except to gladly include here three quotes by C. JoyBell C. from goodreads.com.  I find her words moving and pass them on here with hope you find worth in them as well.

I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you’re going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.

There are people who are generic. They make generic responses and they expect generic answers. They live inside a box and they think people who don’t fit into their box are weird. But I’ll tell you what, generic people are the weird people. They are like genetically-manipulated plants growing inside a laboratory, like indistinguishable faces, like droids. Like ignorance.

The person in life that you will always be with the most, is yourself. Because even when you are with others, you are still with yourself, too! When you wake up in the morning, you are with yourself, laying in bed at night you are with yourself, walking down the street in the sunlight you are with yourself. What kind of person do you want to walk down the street with? What kind of person do you want to wake up in the morning with? What kind of person do you want to see at the end of the day before you fall asleep? Because that person is yourself, and it’s your responsibility to be that person you want to be with. I know I want to spend my life with a person who knows how to let things go, who’s not full of hate, who’s able to smile and be carefree. So that’s who I have to be.

Anais Nin wrote “The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say”. That describes well how I feel about my discovery of C. JoyBell C.’s work. I am grateful to have the path of life bring me stumbling across what she has to say.

Writing comes more easily if you have something to say.
Sholem Asch

The Gift to My Life

/ James Browning

Sometimes a picture truly is worth a thousand words. When I saw this photo for the first time this morning, feelings of intense gratitude for my son washed over me and brought a happy tear to my eye. He is far from perfect, but has become the man a father can be truly proud of. This Saturday he turns 30 years old and seeing the image above brought instant feelings of  gratefulness for the gift to my life he has always been. Happy Birthday Nick!

What Is A Dad?

A dad is someone who
wants to catch you before you fall
but instead picks you up,
brushes you off,
and lets you try again.

A dad is someone who
wants to keep you from making mistakes
but instead lets you find your own way,
even though his heart breaks in silence
when you get hurt.

A dad is someone who
holds you when you cry,
scolds you when you break the rules,
shines with pride when you succeed,
and has faith in you even when you fail…
What Is A Dad? Writer Unknown

Mac and The Banger

/ James Browning

While not a first-hand personal experience, I have had friends who knew they were in the last few months of their life and had them share some of the wisdom facing death brought them. To a person the near end of days brought a kinder and a gentler nature.

My friends who were faced with a soon to come reality of dying seemed to love more deeply and express how they felt more openly. Things mattered little and people were about all they cared about. Their primary regrets I recall them sharing were not doing things they had wanted to do, working/chasing money too much and not spending more time with people they loved.

No one close to me wrote down their thoughts as death drew near, but what is just below I believe expresses what they left behind in their own way.

– STOP
Give yourself permission to take a moment to really look at yourself & where you are.

– CLEAR
Create some room for those voices in your head to speak their mind, & then try to hear them.

– SHIFT
Be fearless with change – it might be the best thing you ever did.

– RELEASE
Let go those things that aren’t a reflection of who you want to be & who you really are.

– EMBODY
Be what you were meant to be in all its crazy shapes and guises – why wait?

– ADORE
Love who you have been, who you are now & who you are going to be – it’s all you.

– ENRICH
Move in a direction that enhances, empowers and deepens your life.

It turns out that no one can imagine what’s really coming in our lives. We can plan, and do what we enjoy, but we can’t expect our plans to work out. Some of them might, while most probably won’t. Inventions and ideas will appear, and events will occur, that we could never foresee. That’s neither bad nor good, but it is real.

From a last post by Derek K Miller of Vancouver, Canada on May 4, 2011, shortly before his death from cancer.

Two friends now gone taught me a great deal about living by how they acted facing death. Tears well up as I think about Mac and Bill (better know as “The Banger”) and how much I love them still, even in their absence, and how grateful I am my life was blessed with their presence.

Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying.
Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day.
Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now!
There are only so many tomorrows.”
Pope Paul VI

A Genuinely “Good Guy”

/ James Browning

Mr. Rogers came onto television in my late teens so in my childhood he was unnoticed. Later watching “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood” with my son during his younger years I gained respect for Fred Roger’s work.

Fred McFeely Rogers was not just a TV personality but also a Presbyterian minister, song writer, child activist and author in addition to being a good role model. For 895 episodes his show was on PBS spanning over three decades. He was a genuinely “good guy” who swam every morning, was a vegetarian and never smoked or drank. In memory, one of his trademark sweaters is on display at the Smithsonian.

I ran into a man by chance in public yesterday who was soft-spoken with a similar voice and demeanor to Mr. Rogers who stuck in my head since. What has kept flopping around mentally is the start of the show where Fred sang his “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” as he changed into his trademark sweater and deck shoes. You know how some harmlessly inane song can get stuck in your head and won’t go away? Well, this tribute to Mr. Rogers is being done with respect in hope “It’s a beautiful day in this neighborhood” gets unstuck from my mind.

I will always remember Mr. Rogers a truly gentle soul who devoted 50 years of his life to educating and bettering the lives of children. As far as I know he only had good intentions and was never marred by intrigue or wrong doing. I hope that always remains true as all of us are kids inside and need examples like Fred Rogers. I am grateful my son brought him and his message that “we’re all special” into my life.

You can make believe it happens,
Or pretend that something’s true.
You can wish or hope or contemplate
A think you’d like to do.
But until you start to do it,
You will never see it through
‘Cause the make-believe pretending
Just won’t do it for you.

You’ve got to do it. Every little big.
You’ve got to do it, do it, do it.
And when you’re through,
You can know who did it,
For you did it, you did it, you did it.

It’s not easy to keep trying
But it’s one good way to grow.
It’s not easy to keep learning,
But I know that this is so:
When you’re tried and learned,
You’re bigger than you were a day ago.
It’s not easy to keep trying,
But it’s one way to grow.

From the song “You’ve Got to Do It” by Fred Rogers

“As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has – or ever will have – something inside that is unique to all time. It’s out job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression”. Fred Rogers

Peebles and Grains of Sand

/ James Browning

Every day I change the world. We all do. Not often in big ways, but constantly in small, at first glance relatively unmeaning ways.

If in traffic on my way to work someone cuts me off, I can honk making sure they see while I shake my fist and show my displeasure with a hand gesture. Or I can just let it go with a thought about the apparent emptiness in a person’s life who can so easily mistreat another. What did I send into the world? In refraining from not making a thoughtless person even more so at least I did not make matters worse for all he/she comes in contact with!

Riding the elevator up to my office I can choose to stand in the corner silently while the other passenger stands solemn and seemingly lost in thought. I can leave him/her to arrive at work with that apathetic guise to exhibit to co-workers. Or I can smile, say some innocuous like “good morning, sure is hot out isn’t it?”. Maybe they will smile or maybe they won’t, but will go into their day knowing a stranger at least noticed their existence.

During my lunch break I can take the time to call a friend who is having a difficult time and by showing I care lighten their load a little. Their day will be a little better and quite possibly so will anyone’s who comes in contact with them.

I know such thoughts may sound a little “namby pamby” at first, but everything I do (everything you do) sends a tiny wave into the world like pebbles dropped into a lake. Collectively a million pebbles dropped near the same time can create a tidal wave.

A smile, a kind word, a thoughtful expression, a caring act are each one nothing earth-shattering, but such things do matter. Am I being hokey, simplistic and naive?  Possibly and if so that’s just fine.  The world could use a little more of that and a bit less grit and reality!  In small ways separately and collectively we ALL affect the world around us every day.

What is considerably more meaningful is that I witness everything I do or say. How do my actions make me feel? When I do the right thing, when I exercise restraint, thoughtfulness or consideration I feel good. When the lessons learned well from past mistakes show themselves positively I am proud of myself. Those little positive bits and pieces are gifts I give myself specifically and to the world generally. 

I am grateful for starting my morning with the thought that more than any other factor how I act today will determine how I feel at the end of it. There’s a real opportunity to make a positive contribution to the world, although admittedly small, but meaningful just the same. Little things we all do, good or bad, accumulate to total something significant much like grains of sand can create a beach.

“All ye Poets of the Age!
All ye Witlings of the Stage!
Learn your Jingles to reform!
Crop your Numbers and Conform:
Let your little Verses flow
Gently, Sweetly, Row by Row:
Let the Verse the Subject fit;
Little Subject, Little Wit.
From “Namby Pamby” by Henry Carey

If Only…

/ James Browning

At this point in my life I am aligned with no particular religion, but am open to what I perceive to be the best that each has to teach. My beliefs, morals and ethics are my own unique combination of western and eastern followings, some current and some ancient. There are many great leaders in many walks of life I can learn from such as the following words of a Hindu teacher of the “Vedanta” named Pujya Guruji Swami Tejomayananda.

All of us seek happiness and we want to be happy. But our happiness is always dependent on objects, beings and places. IF I get such-n-such a thing, or IF a particular thing happens in my life, or IF I become this-n-this, THEN I will be happy.

We all want happiness now, and want it to be forever. There is an inherent contradiction here. I want happiness and I want it now, in the present moment. If I always say IF such a thing happens, or IF I go somewhere, IF I will be happy… our happiness is projected in the future.

Simply stated, our happiness is never in the action, but in the result of an action… Every action will produce a particular result, but here I put a condition – I will be happy only IF it produces such-n-such a conditional result. So happiness is always in the future, even thought I want to be happy now. What a contradiction!

We always prepare for happiness, or we pretend to be happy. When we finally get something we’ve wanted for a long time, are you happy now that you have acquired it? “You were craving it for a long time, are you happy now that you have acquired it?” they ask. You feel compelled to say “yes”, sometimes reluctantly. You have to say yes!

One secret of happiness is to enjoy the action. Enjoy the action itself; discover the joy in every little thing. Enjoy the opening of eyes, listening to something, ability to see, touch, hear, feel, everything is wonderful. There is really nothing to complain (about). There is benefit in everything – even in being bald. No combing of the hair required. Someone asked a 103-year old lady “what is the benefit of being 103 years old?” “There is no peer pressure” she replied.

Today I can gratefully say I am the happiest I have ever been. While far from feeling happy all the time, my ability to know contentment increases as I am able to accept things as they are, appreciate what happens in my life (good and bad) and remain open to a power beyond my singular self.

Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued,
is always beyond our grasp,
but, if you will sit down quietly,
may alight upon you.
Nathaniel Hawthorne

Full article at http://cmdfwmedia.org/resources/Files/Pursuit%20Of%20Happiness.pdf

Musing to Discovery

/ James Browning

This morning poking around for inspiration Icame across the following dictionary definitions for “gratitude”:

– a feeling of thankfulness, appreciation, admiration, approval or gratefulness

– warm and friendly acknowledgment of a benefit one has received or will receive

– kindness awakened by a favor received; thankfulness

– sensitive awareness and recognition of aesthetic values

Then my surfing to be inspired brought me to the root of the English word ‘gratitude’. Its origin is in the Latin word ‘gratis’ or ‘gratus’. 

As I read further something very interesting came my way. ‘Gratis/gratus’ is also the origin of the French word ‘gracier’  which was adapted to become the English word ‘grace’. Literal definitions of ‘grace’ are:  kindliness, love, mercy and elegance; beauty of form, manner, motion, or action; pleasing quality or favor.  Sounds exactly like a sense of gratefulness!

I found it surprisingly meaningful that the words gratitude and grace have the same origin and are essentially parts of the same emotion. That makes perfect sense! As I have focused on gratefulness and my awareness has grown for all I have to be thankful for, a sense of “grace” arrived with it.

My discovery can be stated simply: a life filled with grace comes from a foundation of gratefulness. Religion frequently connects the two words together, but I had never considered how in a secular sense gratitude and grace are interwoven.

Focusing on what I am grateful for and spending time writing about it daily for fifteen months has been a life changer; more so than I could have ever imagined when I began this blog. Previously I perceived my life as probably about a “6” on a “10” scale and today can tell you without hesitation I’d rate living around at an “8.0” or better. There are moments from time to time I’d rate at a 10 plus!

My life is far from perfect. While my work in recovery from dysfunctions like codependence, depression and compulsion has brought me to a generally happy state of being, there are still challenges and difficult times. What has changed is my ability to deal with those moments and how long they last. I believe that capacity comes directly from the state of ‘grace’ that sprouted purely from growing gratefulness within.

Grace is the central invitation to life and the final word.
It’s the beckoning nudge and the overwhelming,
undeserved mercy that urges us to change and grow,
and then gives us the power to pull it off.
Tim Hansel

A Small Change of Perspective

/ James Browning

Last year here in Oklahoma many record high temperature records were set. This year is shaping up to be another record summer with heat frequently above 100. All across the country people are bearing unusually hot temps.  The overly warm days is just about everyone’s favorite thing to grumble about. My gratitude for my air conditioning is at an all time high!

Sometimes a small change of perspective can alter one’s thinking and mood. I found the following images to attempt that for me before I head out into the heat this morning. 

The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event.
J. B. Priestley

The future lies before you, like paths of pure white snow.
Be careful how you tread it, for every step will show.
Anonymous

There is nothing in the world more beautiful than the forest
clothed to its very hollows in snow.
It is the still ecstasy of nature, wherein every spray,
every blade of grass, every spire of reed,
every intricacy of twig, is clad with radiance.”
William Sharp

There is nothing in the world more beautiful
than the forest clothed to its very hollows in snow.
It is the still ecstasy of nature, wherein every spray,
every blade of grass, every spire of reed,
every intricacy of twig, is clad with radiance.”
William Sharp

 Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating;
there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
John Ruskin

Just a few simple photographs of snow, winter, cold and fun are enough to shift my perspective this morning.  I am grateful!  Before I know it, winter will be here and my wishes will be for a hot day like today. 

So comes snow after fire, and even dragons have their ending.
J.R.R. Tolkien

All You Hope For and More

/ James Browning

Continuing my “Staycation”, today I am taking a day off!

Here’s three favorite sayings and images to fill the space here today:

Life is a great big canvas,
and you should throw all the paint on it you can.
Danny Kaye

It is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool,
than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Dr. Wayne S. Amato

Always be a first-rate version of yourself,
instead of a second-rate version of someone else.
Judy Garland

I hope today is filled with all you hope for and more…
and that you are grateful for all that comes your way.