Author: James Browning

Right Here, Right Now

/ James Browning

Once upon a time there was a man who spent his life in a hurry. He was always headed toward something or getting away from something else, but never seemed to arrive anywhere.

He would drop things because he’d bump into stuff or accidentally let his hand brush against what he was walking by just enough to dislodge what was in his hand. He was not drunk, didn’t have balance issues nor was particularly uncoordinated. He was just never mentally precise about where his body was.

The man often thought about where he should be and who he should be with. He yearned for love, yet had walked through being loved many times.  His habit was to always run past love before he actually realized how deeply he cared about someone and they about him. Only when the present became the past could he see much of anything with clarity.

There were small scars and scruffs on his hands and legs from moving in haste. Working with his hands he’d often get ahead of himself and end up with a small wound to show for the haste. His legs were often bruised in small places. When he noticed one usually he had no idea what he did to get the bruise.

Was he running toward what was in his mind or running away from something lodged there? Could it be he was doing both at the same time? Yes, I think. Stretched between the past and the future there was so little of him actually in the present.

Eckhart Tolle wrote exactly what going on with the man,  You cannot be both unhappy and fully present in the Now. Why does the mind habitually deny or resist the Now? Because it cannot function and remain in control without time, which is past and future, so it perceives the timeless Now as threatening.

The year, the day, or the time,
It is not important,
Yesterday is gone,
Tomorrow does not yet exist.
Only now do you have the chance
To be whoever you are.
Only now can you live
With the passion of spirit
And the spark of inspiration.
This is where everything ends,
And where everything begins,
Right here, right now
In the flow of what is.
This is all that you have.
Hold on, but let go.
Connect, but be separate.
There is pain in growth,
But there is also wisdom.
To know is to know not.
Every movement, every transition is a risk,
It is an opportunity to transform.
It does not matter what it all means,
It is a play that exists in eternity.
From “The Play” by Conny Jasper

The man written here about is mostly me as I used to be. While far from perfect and constantly bouncing from ‘Now” into the past and the future, I do spend a lot of time in the present than ever before. And it is those moments when I am happiest, enjoy life most and feel gratefulness the deepest.

The past gives you an identity
and the future holds the promise of salvation,
of fulfillment in whatever form.
Both are illusions.
Eckhart Tolle

Peace Within the Riddle

/ James Browning

What do you want? Or is what you want always just something you don’t have.

Those spoken words actually came falling out of my mouth this morning from a source I am unsure of. Since I live alone, saying such a thing aloud actually caught me by surprise. Only after speaking them did I start to wonder where they came from. Nothing specific happened. No particular thought was bouncing in my head.

All I did was go stand on my porch for about a minute taking in the cooler weather. Enjoying the view of the big cyprus tree out front decked out in its rich fall brown I watched the needed autumn rain drizzle down. Listening to the soft splatters on my driveway and the gentle ringing of drops falling in the gutters, I felt contented in the moment. Then as I came back in my home and was walking down the entry hall, those words arrived for me to say aloud to no one except myself: What do you want… or is what you want always just something you don’t have?

Neil Gaiman wrote, I don’t want whatever I want. Nobody does. Not really. What kind of fun would it be if I just got everything I ever wanted just like that, and it didn’t mean anything? What then? So does that mean I will always be malcontented and never at peace with where I am and what I have? I hope not. Such a cyclical truth going round and a round in my brain would be maddening like a dog chasing, but never catching, his tail!

A lot of people get so hung up on what they can’t have that they don’t think for a second about whether they really want it, was Lionel Shriver’s view of things. In that case I’d like NOT to be in the group he called “a lot of people…” and believe I have escaped the usual simply by asking my question; What do you want… or is what you want always just something you don’t have?

Thinking redemption and happiness can never be found in “what is” and instead only achieved within “what might be” is the near raving of a lunatic. In his novel “Lullaby” Chuck Palahnuik stated his version of this thought when he wrote, Are these things really better than the things I already have? Or am I just trained to be dissatisfied with what I have now?

Possibly the continual search for more, different and new is a natural insanity that is innate with being human. Dan Millman wrote in “Way of the Peaceful Warrior…”  If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don’t want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold on to it forever. That brings me back at my original quandary: What do you want… or is what you want always just something you don’t have?

I found an explanation that sets my mind at ease to some degree in an article written in Psychology Today by Alex Lickerman, M.D., a practicing Buddhist for over twenty years. He wrote: Research suggests that our conscious minds aren’t so much in charge of the decisions we make as they are great rationalizers of them. Which means they often collude with our unconscious minds to craft stories about why we do things and even why we feel things that are just blatantly untrue. We often have far more invested in seeing ourselves as virtuous, noble, fair-minded, and good than we do in recognizing the truth: that we often want things and therefore do things that make us base, selfish, self-righteous, and unjust. All of which is to say that sometimes we may not actually know what we want. Or, even more commonly, we may not know why we want it.

What do you want… or is what you want always just something you don’t have? That thought I spoke aloud this morning has no precise answer, except to find peace within the riddle through accepting what is and trying to keep hope for a future with no specific definition. For the calming effect of the experience of writing this, I am humbly grateful.

As soon as you stop wanting something,
you get it.
Andy Warhol

Gone Fishin’

/ James Browning

If any ask, where have you been
I’ll say gone fishin’ – not a sin
Left my writing on the shelf
Went wandering off to meet myself.

Ask some questions of my heart
Seek some answers, quite apart
I’m not so sought or even known
I cannot steal this time alone.

I’ve gone to check the stock in store
Take stock of my long stored-up lore
Sort out things I have long forgot
Throw out some things begun to rot.

Try to be wise and bring that to bear
On what and when and who and where
Bring order back to things askew
And by such order, see anew

So I open doors a long time locked
Push through hallways long time blocked
Finger ideas, look through thoughts
Shuffle maybes, mights and oughts

Linger long at problem spots
Work at angers tied in knots
Shine a light on cracks and stains
Gaze again at love’s remains

Then slept on memories piled in heaps
Dreamt restless dreams in restless sleeps
Got blackened fingers from the dust
Snorted, sneezed and even cussed

And then I set about the chore
Of making choices and — what’s more
Making wishes and pagan prayers
That I’ll remember — life’s lived in layers

So my fishing trip was all I wished
Because when I sat down and fished
I conjured up the past and more
All of my legends, fables, and lore

But my fishing nets are now set to dry
We reached concord, myself and I
In doubt I left, assured return
Restored in what I found to learn

The present stands now, raw but clean
What was hidden, now been seen
Order again is now manifest
I am at peace, my heart at rest

So I am back to writing out
Things I know a bit about
I put words down to tell my stories
Trailing fishing nets and past glories
Taken from “Gone Fishin” by ‘Wilbur’ http://www.booksie.com

I’ve not really gone fishin’ and am buried in work instead. Just reading the poem freshens my resolve to finish what I’ve started and stay on the path forward. Today that feels like a massive gift I am grateful for.

When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start payin’ attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence. Tom Robbins

The Sky I Fell Through

/ James Browning

There are mornings when a heart-felt prayer is the grandest, most powerful thought I can cast before me into the first hours of the day…

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace.
Where there is hate, may I bring love;
Where offense, may I bring pardon;
May I bring union in place of discord;
Truth, replacing error;
Faith, where once there was doubt;
Hope, for despair;
Light, where there was darkness;
Joy to replace sadness.
Make me not to so crave to be loved as to love.
Help me to learn that in giving I may receive;
In forgetting self, I may find life eternal.
Saint Francis of Assisi

Trouble was the sky I fell through to get here; long was my manic free fall through life, arms flailing and feet kicking all the way. But I’m here now. WHEW! For my open heart, clear mind and reverent soul today I am grateful. It was not always so.

Stop beating yourself up.
You are a work in progress;
which means you get there a little at a time,
not all at once.
Stephen R. Covey

Most Loving Family I Have Known

/ James Browning

 

Last evening my Codependence Anonymous ‘family’ celebrated my fifth year in recovery from codependency.  It was a moving experience just like each anniversary before. “Blessed Are They” below originally posted on April 5, 2012 https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2012/04/05/blessed-are-they/

Codependency is a behavior pattern in which a person tends to form unhealthy relationships. People like me who have engaged in codependent behavior almost always appear to place the needs and desires of other people before their own. These other people often have unresolved emotional issues and sometimes addictions which the codependent person tries to repair, ignore or avoid. That is certainly true with me as I often picked people who needed “fixing”.

Ironically, the source of codependency isn’t about other people – it’s about the relationship with one’s self. Generally this manifests in things like insecurity, deficient self-confidence and even self-loathing. At the core of it all is a scarcity of self-love. Within that condition I spent many years feeling “less than” and that I didn’t measure up. I hid those feelings well and they were rarely noticed by anyone.

One of the tendencies of codependency is difficulty accepting gifts. When someone gives me something, that gift is far from unappreciated. Actually I am thankful beyond my ability to express gratitude. It’s a conflicted feeling of unworthiness in one sense, yet being hugely grateful at the same moment. Talk about bewildering!

Gifts received with difficulty are not just tangible items, but compliments and pats on the back as well. The latter two can be especially hard to accept with a tendency to deflect the good that has been expressed in my direction. At the least there is often some sort of discounting expressed. An example is someone saying to me “you did a great job on that project” with my reply being “no big deal” or “most anyone could have done it”. Receiving positive feedback is highly prized within me but even today I am uncomfortable receiving it. However I have learned to just say “thank you” even though I often blush a little when I do.

There is a tradition in most 12-Step groups to celebrate the annual anniversary of a when a person first got into recovery. Codependents Anonymous is no exception. A brass coin is given which is first “charged” with a few encouraging comments said by each group member one at a time while holding the coin.

The date marking the end of my fourth fifth year was last October, but when it came up in the group to award my coin I always found some excuse to put off the award. I’d say I wanted to make sure “so and so” was at the meeting or something of the sort. Of course I always picked someone who rarely came to the meetings any more as my way of putting it off.

Why I kept dragging my feet on the simple little celebration of my anniversary was simple: Listening to good things said about me on other “recovery birthdays” embarrassed me. I LOVED HEARING THEM but reception of those “gifts of love in words” from the group members conflicted with the conditioning of codependence of not being “worthy”.

Such kindness and love expressed toward me last night brought fidgeting, teared up eyes and even a red face of positive embarrassment more than one. The latter coming from the simple fact that it is still hard to imagine that people like and respect me as much as they said. Yet, I know all spoke honest words from their heart. A day latter the joy still dances in me for the sincere people who said such loving things to me. The little boy who rarely if ever got such praise as a child is happily frolicking within today. I am grateful beyond words to my Wednesday Codependence Anonymous group!

Blessed are they who see beautiful things
in humble places where other people see nothing.
Camille Pissarro

So What…

/ James Browning

Life is what we make it,
always has been,
always will be.

American painter ‘Grandma Moses’ (Anna Mary Robertson 1860-1961) did not write that, begin painting or become famous until she was over seventy years old. I read an article about her recently and was inspired to write the following:

Life is hard; so what…
It would be taken for granted without difficulty.

Life is crammed with deceit; so what…
The constant possibility lends value to truth.

Life is filled with doubt; so what…
If all was certain existence would be colorless.

Life is painful; so what…
Pain is the mirror reflection of joy. It lends depth to the good.

Life is temporary; so what…
The impermanence of living makes time precious.

Life is a demanding teacher; so what…
Experience is the only truth we accept fully.

Life contains failure; so what…
Possibility of failing makes succeeding worthwhile.

Life is crammed with loss; so what…
It is the possibility of losing that makes ‘having’ meaningful.

In the book “The Road Less Traveled” M. Scott Peck wrote Life is difficult. This a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult — once we truly understand and accept it — then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

Time has taught me to do my best to embrace life’s struggles; to see each heartbreak as a valuable mentor; that light is just beyond the next dark hill and there’s no growth with pain. Life’s difficulties are necessary for my development, so when troubles come along  I do my best to accept them; embrace them. The quick fix and easy way out to escape difficulty temporarily is no longer my constant ally. With each discomfort it is the old, inferior me dying so a new better me can be born. My gratitude is deep for the wisdom of knowing that pain means growth. It always points forward.

Don’t wish it was easier;
wish you were better.
Don’t wish for less problems;
wish for more skills.
Don’t wish for less challenges;
wish for more wisdom.
Jim Rohn

Understand Your Darkness and It Will Vanish

/ James Browning

Take a look at the world and see the unhappiness around you and in you. Do you know what causes this unhappiness? You will probably say loneliness or oppression or war or hatred or atheism. And you will be wrong. There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them. Because of these false beliefs you see the world and yourself in a distorted way. Your programming is so strong and the pressure of society so intense that you are literally trapped into perceiving the world in this distorted kind of way. There is no way out, because you do not even have a suspicion that your perception is distorted, your thinking is wrong, and your beliefs are false.

Look around and see if you can find a single genuinely happy person — fearless, free from insecurities, anxieties, tensions, worries. You would be lucky if you found one in a hundred thousand. What makes it even worse is the fact that most people are so brainwashed that they do not even realize how unhappy they are — like the man in a dream who has no idea he is dreaming.

What are these false beliefs that block you from happiness? Here are some examples. First: You cannot be happy without the things that you attached to and that you consider so precious. False. There is not a single moment in your life when you do not have everything that you need to be happy. Think of that for a minute. The reason why you are unhappy is because you are focusing on what you do not have rather than on what you have right now.

Another belief: Happiness is in the future. Not true. Right here and now you are happy and you do not know it because your false beliefs and your distorted perceptions have got you caught up in fears, anxieties, attachments, conflicts, guilt and a host of games that you are programmed to play. If you would see through this you would realize that you are happy and do not know it.

Yet another belief: Happiness will come if you manage to change the situation you are in and the people around you. Not true. You stupidly squander so much energy trying to rearrange the world. If changing the world is your vocation in life, go right ahead and change it, but do not harbor the illusion that this is going to make you happy. What makes you happy or unhappy is not the world and the people around you, but the thinking in your head.

Another false belief: If all your desires are fulfilled you will be happy. Not true. In fact it is these very desires and attachments that make you tense, frustrated, nervous, insecure and fearful. The fulfillment of desire can, at the most, bring flashes of pleasure and excitement. Don’t mistake that for happiness.

What then is happiness? Very few people know and no one can tell you, because happiness cannot be described. Can you describe light to people who have been sitting in darkness all their lives? Can you describe reality to someone in a dream? Understand your darkness and it will vanish; then you will know what light is. Understand your nightmare for what it is and it will stop; then you will wake up to reality. Understand your false beliefs and they will drop; then you will know the taste of happiness.

From “The Way To Love ” by Anthony de Mello who was a Jesuit priest. The book is a collection of the last meditations he wrote before his untimely death in 1987. Thanks to my friend Lynette who shared a line from de Mello that led me to more of his work including what is above.

There are moments of clarity when realization touches me down to the fiber of my being. The passage above brought one of those experiences and it came because a friend put it in my path. What I need continually arrives when I need it most. I am grateful for the serendipity that brought this wisdom into my knowing.

Happiness is when what you think,
what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
Mahatma Gandhi

The Way of a Seeker

/ James Browning

The first Monday of November of two thousand twelve has arrived. Much as been accomplished this year, but with ten months of this year gone by my intentions have far exceeded my deeds. And you know… that’s just fine.

What was achieved means more to me than the things I meant to do and have not gotten around to. How do I know? Simply, I show what matters most by what I do and don’t do. Nothing speaks more clearly than actions.

This has been a year of gaining focus and making peace within. There have been grand discoveries including coming to know what I want to do with my life is okay. No matter how many concerned looks have come from others when I express my desire to travel the world vagabond style, it doesn’t matter. Those whose light is locked up and don’t dare embrace their deepest desires will never understand. Freedom is walking through insecurity, fear and doubt to find one’s destiny.

Mine is the way of a seeker: sometimes the fool; always the adventurer; sometimes the one who gets lost; always with hope and desire; sometimes struck with pain and grief; always graciously thankful for life; sometimes delusional and confused; always seeking clarity and truth; sometimes careful and cautious; always open to the new and different; usually optimistic and positive and always putting one foot in front of the other…

Moving,
sometimes forward,
sometimes backward,
but making progress toward a destiny
I am pulled toward.

My way was not always so. So much time I spent chasing success, reputation and money. Once I had those things the realization arrived that the time in that chase was, at first glance, mostly wasted. However, nothing that teaches can be a waste. Life is always good, even when it is difficult and hard. The tough times have been my most demanding task masters and the staunchest teachers of profound insight.

My pursuits have brought me to a far different place than I originally sought; a good place well matched to my current-day dreams. My gratitude exceeds my ability to express it.

Believe that you are far more wonderful
than you ever dared to imagine…
because you are.
Believe that you can be more
than you have ever dreamed…
because you can.
Believe that you have more courage
than you can see…
because you do
Believe that you are stronger
than your fears have allowed you to know…
because you are.
Believe that you can love
more fully than you ever thought…
because you are able to.
Believe that you are truly more unique and special
than you have ever allowed yourself to acknowledge..
because you really are.
Believe it…
if it’s the last thing you do.
Believe it…
because it’s true.
“More than you Dreamed” by Sue Mitchell

The Big Question

/ James Browning

I found this in my fortune cookie at lunch yesterday:

If
you
don’t
have
time
to
live
your
life
now,
when
do
you?

That’s a summation of the realizations that surround me these days. For far too long I put off living the life I yearn for in order to do what others wanted.  My myriad of excuses have included taking care of “responsibilities”, running from dealing with my “stuff, unfounded fear of not having enough money when I get old, doing the “right thing” and so on. No more. I reclaim my life and am so very grateful for the inspiration that makes me know 2012 is the beginning of the life I have longed for.

People often say
that this or that person
has not yet found himself.
But the self is not something one finds,
it is something one creates.
From “Personal Conduct, The Second Sin” by Thomas Szasz,

A Song to My Soul – Part 2

/ James Browning

My leave behind here yesterday was the story about four family photographs that came in a used book I purchased and my hope of returning them. https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2012/11/02/a-song-to-my-soul/

Once business hours began yesterday I was able to leave a message where the father used to work and retired from. I asked only that someone get in touch and ask him to call me. A few hours later my phone range and Mr. Al Unser was on the other end of the line.

He was a little suspicious at first, but as I relayed my story and described the photographs his demeanor changed to warmth and gratitude. He mentioned remembering one of the photos in particular; the one of his children when they were small. I asked for his address and ended my day addressing an envelope and putting the pictures inside with a printout of yesterday’s blog.

To a point I went out of my way to return the photographs simply because it was the right thing to do. Such orphaned photos are usually only meaningful to the particular family they come from. To anyone else they are insignificant and garbage bound. It would have been sad had that been the fate of these images.

More than anything I enjoy the feeling of knowing I did something good. Just a few minutes off the usual path of my life given freely to others allowed me to put a few specks of additional kindness into the world. And in the giving, I am the one who receives most. I am grateful for the positive sense of self my actions brought. There can never be too much kindness in the world!

Those who loved you and were helped by you
will remember you
when forget-me-nots have withered.
Carve your name on hearts,
not on marble.
Charles H. Spurgeon