He made me angry with what he said.

She made me feel sad because she did that.

They made me feel hurt by not including me.

My employer made me feel bad when I did not get the promotion.

Most everyone, at least occasionally, expresses them self in the context of being “made” to feel one thing or another.  The reality however is no one makes us feel anything without our consent.  Through my growth of recent years I’ve learned to do my best to catch the words “he/she/they/you/it made me feel …” before they flow out of my mouth.  When expressing myself that way I am essentially trying to blame others for what is taking place inside me.  Fault is being reassigned for my thoughts, words, actions and feelings.  My “self” is being given up to an outside force. 

My knowledge today includes that I alone own my feelings and emotions and am responsible for what I do with them.  People can do or say things I can choose to make myself feel bad about, but I have to make the choice to allow it.

Giving my self away over and over used to be a frequent habit.  When thinking someone “made” me feel this or that I felt like one of those Superballs I had as a kid that when thrown bounced recklessly off any surface it hit.  With practice that kind of bouncing behavior became ingrained and made it easier to not take responsibility for my behavior.  Truth is I needed to look inward to find why I felt and reacted the way I did. 

Down deep now I know no one can make me ‘feel less’ than unless I already feel less than.  No one can make me feel crazy; no one can make me feel inadequate; no one can make me feel sad; no one can make me feel anything at all.  The most anyone else can do is to remind me of what I already feel inside.  If I have anger buried, someone can do or say something I might use to wake that feeling up, but only if I already have anger hidden inside me in the first place. 

My discovery has been that what worked the quickest to cause me to say others “made” me think or feel was most often what I needed to work on most.  By digging through a bunch of long-buried feelings I have slowly become more confident in my own skin.  As that confidence has grown I have become more adept at taking responsibility for my choices, feelings and thoughts.  I find myself saying things like “you made me feel …” less and less.  The frame of reference I now cultivate is simply “I feel …” That statement more accurately puts me in touch with what is going on inside me.

According to science, my thoughts about anything said or done by another can trigger a neurological response that sends chemicals into my brain trying get a reaction. The choice however is mine how I react.  The challenge I have had to work on (and still do) is my emotional responses have been repeated so much they are ‘habits’.  Having habitual reactions means when a trigger occurs – someone raises their voice, uses a certain tone, or behaves in a particular way – my neurological reaction occurs automatically.  Without my conscious awareness I then automatically act on the emotion as though I can’t control it.  My thinking was “this is just who I am” when in fact that is/was how I behave.  When I can accept this truth I am accept responsibility for myself, for my emotional state and my behavior.

When something happens that raises emotions within that make me feel out of control I have learned to try immediately to identify the emotion by asking “what am I feeling?”  Then I usually can find what my need behind the emotion is.  I ask myself “what do I need at this moment?” When that question can be answered I can move to meet my need.  Sometimes it is to set a boundary with someone.  At others my need is to ask for help or simply take a time out and walk away for a while.  With repeated and consistent practice I create new habits and ways of being.

Today I know what I feel is about me. To say someone else “makes” me feel is shirking responsibility.  The reality is that no one can make me feel anything. “I” alone am responsible for my emotions.  What I DO with those emotions is all about me and no one else.  I am deeply grateful to have that wisdom, even if my practice of it is far from perfect.

A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life.  James Allen