Month: December 2011

Seeing Beyond What is Visible

/ James Browning

Left on our own without stimulus or reminders, living can fall into a rut easily. Without reference points our days can appear bland and lacking the bright color engaged experience can provide.  One lesson taught to me frequently which took a long to absorb is my life is mostly what I make it out to be.  It is my choice whether I see being alive as a miracle or a burden.  It is a choice whether I choose to embellish life to its most positive aspect or diminish life to lowest possible meaning.  Where on that scale I choose to spend my days is in majority within my control.

On a lark this morning my love and I choose to watch a movie from a decade and a half ago that has been taking up space on my DVR.  Having seen a portion of it before when I decided to record it, I already knew I would probably enjoy it.  How could I not; Johnny Depp and Marlon Brando together! 

“Don Juan DeMarco” is a 1995 romantic comedy/drama set in modern times starring Depp as a man who believes himself to be Don Juan, the greatest lover in the world. In his cape, mask and typical 17th century garb DeMarco ends up being treated by Dr. Mickler, a psychiatrist (Brando’s character).  In the work to cure Depp’s character of his apparent delusion an unexpected effect on the psychiatric staff appears.  Many are inspired by DeMarco’s delusion.  The most profoundly affected is Dr. Mickler, who rekindles the romance in his complacent marriage and rediscovers life in general.  Now that the general story line has been revealed, I want to share a few wonderful pieces of dialogue from the movie spoken by Johnny Depp’s character, Don Juan DeMarco:

There are only four questions of value in life… What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love. 

Have you never met a woman who inspires you to love? Until your every sense is filled with her? You inhale her. You taste her. You… know that your heart has at last found a home. Your life begins with her, and without her it must surely end. 

Every true lover knows that the moment of greatest satisfaction comes when ecstasy is long over and he beholds before him the flower which has blossomed beneath his touch.

There are those that do not believe that a single soul born in heaven can split into twin spirits and shoot like falling stars to earth where over oceans and continents their magnetic forces will finally unite them back into one. But, how else to explain love at first sight?

By seeing beyond what is visible to the eye. Now there are those, of course, who do not share my perceptions, it is true. When I say that all…  women are dazzling beauties, they object. The nose of this one is too large; the hips of another, they are too wide; perhaps the breasts of a third, they are too small. But I see these women for how they truly are… glorious, radiant, spectacular, and perfect… because I am not limited by my eyesight. Women react to me in the way they do… because they sense that I search out the beauty that lies within until it overwhelms everything else.

If none of those lines touches or moves you I encourage you to immediately head to the nearest emergency room as most likely your heart has stopped beating.  Or else, you and your soul have fallen so out of love with each other and have become complete strangers for which I can only suggest therapy.  It’s quite alright if you don’t want to admit it to anyone that the movie dialogue touched you.  As long as you know is what matters! 

The movie, “Don Juan DeMarco”, is not “reality” based and that’s just fine with me.  Frankly sometimes I have way too much reality in my life.  Constantly there is a barrage of news about bad economic conditions, crime, pollution, political corruption, global warming and things of the sort that sow enough negativity to choke a masochist.  While I attempt to avoid what I can, and focus only on what I can help change, the whole mess drags me down sometimes.  To balance the all too real segments of life since childhood I have held on tight to what inspiration I can find from others. 

Mark Twain, Jack London, Hemingway, Kipling and Tolkien long before he was well known are writers who took me to grand new places and inspired me as a child.  In my adult life Thoreau, Huxley, Orwell, Vonnegut, Clarke, Fitzgerald, Joyce, and Forster are among those who pushed me to see a world broader and deeper than I could have otherwise known.

Movies have had a parallel affect on me and many have served to help me see beyond my range of life experience and become enthused, contemplative and even inspired about living.  From “The Wind and the Lion” to “Gone with the Wind”, from “Groundhog Day” to “The Day the Earth Stood Still”, from “Love Me Tender” to “Love Story”, they all left a  mark within me.  And now on my list is “Don Juan DeMarco”, a movie about inspired love that comes at a time when wondrous and unexpected love has come into my life.  I am grateful to know beyond a shadow of a doubt I would rather live delusionally inspired than realistically dull and bland.  For that small grain of wisdom my gratitude is too tremendous to even try to state.  

Imagination is more important than knowledge.  Albert Einstein
 

Warts and All

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

When the phrase “I love me” was spoken aloud the statement used to feel awkward, uncomfortable and untrue.  No, more than that; it felt stupid.  Now I know why it seemed so foreign; I did not love myself!  At best I loved myself a little with lots of reservations built in.   At worst, I held myself in great contempt and could come up with nothing specific to love myself for.  I have learned that love of self is inexplicably tied to my ability to love others.  Whenever love is conditional upon external conditions it is not really love at all and likely some sort of compulsion or obsession instead.  Coming to know love “warts and all” has been a real eye opener for me.  Or better yet, a real “soul opener”. 

The phrase “warts and all” has often been credited to Oliver Cromwell’s instructions to the painter Sir Peter Lely.  Lely’s painting style was, as was usual in the 1600’s, intended to flatter the sitter.  Cromwell had a preference for being portrayed as a military man and disdained any form of personal vanity. Cromwell was so adamant that Lely modified his usual overly complementary style and did what the leader wanted.

It is recorded that Cromwell’s words were “Mr. Lely, I desire you would use all your skill to paint my picture truly like me, and not flatter me at all; but remark all these roughness’s, pimples, warts and everything as you see me, otherwise I will never pay a farthing for it.”  We have Oliver Cromwell’s death mask as a reference. The mask shows a face with warts and imperfections making it evident that Lely’s portrait is an accurate record of Cromwell’s actual appearance.

How I began to love myself was to find some acceptance for my “roughness’s, pimples, warts”.  I made peace with my non-perfect features and habits.  It took time to come to see that each of those imperfect things worked together to create a unique person that has not been before nor will ever be again.  Given time and practice I did come to know the meaning of “perfectly imperfect”.  I became glad to be me.

My acceptance of self had to happen on many levels before I could love myself.  There had to be peace made with my age (in my 50’s) and wishes of being younger had to be taken down to few and far between.  I needed a clear realization of what my talents were which could only come with acceptance of my lack of talent in other things.  It was the contrast between the two that created a more clear way of my seeing me.  There needed to be pride and satisfaction from my past good behaviors and forgiveness for the ones I regretted.  Finding fulfillment in my fiscal health as it was had to happen so I could put away “wishing my life away” for money and things I did not have.  It even took accepting that no woman would ever love me again romantically in order for romantic love to find me.  

The pinnacle of the lesson could not be achieved until I found contentment with who I was and what I had done.  Only then could I love myself.  If I allowed misgivings about my past or disliked my present lot in life, my ability to love was unconditionally was stunted.  

Once upon a time I thought “self-care” was about spoiling one’s self.  Luxury, comfort and pleasure were always the first things that came to mind when I thought of it.  As enjoyable as such experiences may be they are not necessarily good self-care and can easily be the reverse in the form of a compulsion or addiction.

Today I love my self.   Saying “no” to something I don’t want to do is good self-care just as well as eating healthfully is.  Making sure I get ample sleep and rest is good self-care and so is setting good boundaries with others.  Even putting people not good for me outside my life is good self-care just as well as getting past bad habits. 

Until personal truth was made of the statement “you can not truly love others until you love yourself” I honestly did not know what love really was.  Opening my heart, mind and soul to acceptance of the “real me”is what brought me to its true meaning.  Once I began to find “me” I discovered love had been around me the whole time.  However, my state of being previously caused me to be unable to feel it.   Today I am grateful for the ability to feel honest human emotion and to love myself “warts and all”.  Joy leaps in my heart as I write those words.

Self love is food for your mind-body-soul, the nourishment that you need even before you can make any meaningful attempt to do anything great or anything at all. You access the beauty, strength, grace and eternal nature that is you.  Evelyn Lim

Uniquely Emoted by Each Reader

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

Please pardon that my usual type of content is being replaced today with something of an editorial rant.  I apologize in advance and appreciate your indulgence.  

Writing this blog every day now for eight months has been a highly rewarding experience. The commitment has brought discipline that was not present before.  Releasing to the world some of my deepest thoughts and feelings has quieted my mind and stilled my soul.  There have been great personal rewards, but not all I have received has been positive. 

Words typed on a screen are uniquely emoted by each reader; some vary only slightly from what is intended while others can find meaning that was never written.  The latter has been the only negative from my writing so openly.  I try to remember when a person interpolates content I did not write the occurrence is all about them and has nothing to do with me.  However, I am an emotion based human being and being chided for something I never said is not fun.  

The wisdom I lean on is the knowing that what matters is what I intended and not the interpretation of another person.  If someone chooses to find a way to be offended, hurt or bothered by something I have written that is not of my doing.  Nothing I have ever written on this blog was a slight or slam on anyone but myself, my parents, my stepfather and a few others who greatly mistreated or hurt me.  If someone else misunderstands, misinterprets, misreads, mistakes, misjudges, misconstrues, misapprehends, gets the wrong idea, misses the point or finds a snub or affront in this blog it is a creation of their own mind and has absolutely nothing to do with me.  And if that happens, I humbly request that you keep your personal fabrications to yourself!

Today I am grateful for your indulgence that allows me to “clear the air” and “get something off my chest”.  Thank you for your understanding.

I’m older. I’m more confident in who I am, what I want and what makes me happy. I’m still not immune to snarky comments or cutting remarks but it’s much easier to not let them bother me too much. Because worrying about those things and putting energy into them is a waste of my valuable time. 
From the blog The Minimalist Mom

I have been misunderstood perhaps more than anyone else ever, but it has not affected me, for the simple reason that there is no desire to be understood. It is their problem if they don’t understand, it is not my problem. If they misunderstand, it is their problem and their misery. Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh   

Why should we worry about what others think of us, do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own?  
Brigham Young

No Longer in the Shadows

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

For over four years attending meetings of Codependence Anonymous ( http://www.coda.org/ or  http://coda-tulsa.org/ ) has been a consistent personal commitment. Going to these two weekly 12 step gatherings has been a big help in coming to understand Codependecy issues that created havoc in my life and working past them.  Here on this blog previously were listed all the afflictions I got into recovery for, but for the subject of today’s blog only one is being brought up: sexual compulsion.  While there are arguments going on today about whether people actually can use sex in the same manner an addict uses a substance, I can assure you from personal experience a person can.  I did.  I hated myself every step of the way, but that hatred did not stop me from “medicating with my habit of choice”.   

I wish there was a local chapter of Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, but am grateful local meetings for groups related to SCA are in town.  I have attended meetings of Sexual Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA).  The former was down right scary to me and seemed to be populated by people whose dysfunction had growth way beyond anything I could imagine (my heart goes out to them).  The meetings of the latter group were helpful but not targeted to my needs.

Contemplating trying to start a local chapter of Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, I have been reading material from the organization on their website http://www.sca-recovery.org/compulsive.htm .  There I found:  Members of SCA have learned through sharing their experience, strength, and hope with each other that sexual compulsivity is a disease.  This disease has three dimensions: physical, emotional, and spiritual.  Physically, we engage in sexual behaviors that we know are not healthy for us or that place us in legal, physical, or spiritual jeopardy.  Emotionally, we experience a “high” in contemplating and engaging in the “acting out” behavior, followed by an emotional let-down after acting out has concluded.  Spiritually, we feel disconnected from others, especially from relationships we want to be “healthy” ones. 

Clearly I can relate to all three dimensions described and have been greatly disappointed in the past when people thought my behavior was a choice.  I assure one and all it is not something a person makes a conscious choice to do.  The compulsions were so strong resisting them seemed impossible until I got into recovery, understood the dysfunction, where it comes from and overtime developed healthy behaviors  Just like beating drugs or alcohol, it was difficult, especially at first.  Taking it one day at a time, one step at a time as the recovery programs suggest brought me in time to be a healthy being, sexually and otherwise.  Looking back my past behavior looks so insanely crazy, but that viewpoint today is from a point of healthfulness.  A person lost in craziness has a very difficult time focusing and seeing the amount of crazy they are practicing.  When I was lost in the storm I could not see outside of what swirled around me.

A substantial part of my recovery was to find a long period of sexual sobriety.  As an alcoholic gets the shakes without his drink, I got the mental shakes from my not giving in to my unhealthy desires.  However, once the moment arrived when I knew I HAD TO HAVE a different life, a normal life, I gained the strength to bear the “mental shakes” without giving in to them.  Those who doubt the presence of a Higher Power have never been to the low depths I was down to.  It took being broken down to the point of helpless for me to find a willingness to accept help beyond myself.  But I did, and with assistance from my Higher Power I began to move forward to where I am today.  If I try to define “God” I get lost in the attempt.  The simple knowing there is a power beyond me is enough.  

Where am I?  Love has come into my life and for the first time I don’t find myself feeling strongly about a woman and lusting after others in my mind at the same time.  She is all I need.  Being in recovery herself, she “gets me”.  There is no reason to hide anything.  The realization still amazes me of how wonderful love and sexual expression can be when focused on one person.  I have never known such peace before.  With 100% of me in the relationship while deeply in love, everything about my life has gained a sparkle never experienced previously.   

The paragraphs above were written to get to a single point of immense gratitude.  Last evening there was a Codependents Anonymous meeting attended by seven attractive women and me.  While there are other examples in recent times, none was as striking as last evening when the realization hit me of how far my recovery has come.  I was able to be at the meeting and completely comfortable with a room full of women while just being myself.  There were no inappropriate thoughts running through my head distracting me and focus on the meeting itself was easy.  To many my realization may seem like no big deal.  Well aware I am that one does not get awards for becoming a functional human being who can be called to some extent “normal”.  But I am giving myself a big pat on the back anyway, for to think of myself as somewhere near the realm of “normal” used to feel impossible.

Today I am grateful the storm within no longer rages.  I am very glad my life has ceased to be lived in part as a secret and my sexuality is no longer lost in the shadows.  There is much thankfulness for the peers who I have shared recovery with.  My gratefulness for the love in my life humbles me.  Yes, without a doubt… gratitude truly is one of the great secrets to a good life.   

That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.
Friedrich W. Nietzsche

What You Think of Me is None of My Business

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

When considered all together, getting older is a good balance of what I am glad about and what I sometimes wish were no so.  Of course, having more of the hair I used to have or a back that does not ache after working in the yard or to not need reading glasses are good examples of what’s on the “I wish were not so list”.  Moving to the “I’m glad about list” immediately I find gratitude for knowledge not possible in younger years that has come from a broad range of life experience.  I cherish the wisdom earned the hard way mostly from my mistakes. 

One of the gems of wisdom I am grateful for is summed up in the words of Wayne Dyer:  What you think of me is none of my business.  No magic immunity from such thinking have I learned, but what others think of me plainly matters much less here in the fifth decade of my life than ever before.  Bosses I work for don’t make me nervous any more (does it have anything to do with the fact that most are younger and less experienced than me?)  Dressing nicely still matters, but comfort in what I have on is at the top of my list and matters ten times more than what others think of my wardrobe.       

A good deal of personal growth is evident to anyone who has long known me.  However, inwardly there remains speculation from time to time if I measure up in other people eyes.  An often successful method I use to combat such “stinking thinking” is to self-question with this thought:  How would I feel if I was literally unable to worry about another person’s opinion of me?  Getting some sort of silent mental answer in response to that quandary seems to banish the need to care what others think more often than not.  

Deep down I know I don’t need the approval of others. It is my ego, the fragile little pretend person within, that craves approval and fears disapproval. Even with the wisdom of years my mind will take things personally sometimes if I let it.  The need to attempt to gain power through approval and disapproval games will always be there. Here in middle age I am grateful to be able to separate myself from my ego more successfully and know approval and disapproval have no real value whatsoever.  In reality, another person’s thought or opinion about me is never personal, because it is never really about me in the first place. It’s about them. A person’s thoughts about anything and everything are only about them self. 

Writer Byron Katie has written several self-help books that have been insightful to me.  She says my business is what I think and what I feel.  If I get worried about how someone feels about me, I’m in their business. And if I’m busy living in their business, how am I present for my own business?  A helpful process Katie recommends to throw off untrue thoughts she calls “Inquiry”.  This process I have found helpful includes four questions to ask one’s self:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

The most intimate relationship I have is the one with my own mind.  When that chatterbox in my head is stressing and screaming, I find that it will keep on doing it until I give it some attention.  That sort of thinking is like a toddler in a grocery store pitching a fit until it gets attention.  One way I give that attention is  putting my thoughts through Byron Katie’s four questions.  When I truly question their validity it’s common to find beliefs I have had for 5, 10, 30 years, even the worst, most stressful ones, disappear with regularity.  Then the “monkey mind chatterbox” (my brain) slows down and living becomes easier and life tastes better.  

When I can consider things objectively I see the most others can have of me is an opinion.  When thinking clearly I know to elevate another’s opinion of me to the status of a judgment is simply ridiculous. No one can judge me unless I grant him or her the power of being my judge.

When I let go of worry over other people’s opinions, I become free to reflect on my own opinion of myself. Living according to my own truth is an act of self-love and self-care. When I live according to my own beliefs and stay in my own  business (and out of other’s business), I find others usually will honor the truths I live by, whether they agree with me or not.  To know that tidbit of wisdom is a gift I’m grateful for.

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby

But for the Grace of God

/ James Browning / 4 Comments

My memory of that afternoon awakens thoughts of a sunny fall day.  Back in time a dozen years it was one of those in-between days of not cold yet, but not warm either.  Balanced between extremes that Saturday was one of those cool fall days I love most. 
 
Gone are the details of where my then-wife and I were driving to, but clear is the mental image of the ramp she was exiting on.  It was one of those long, circular highway exits that causes you go twenty-five miles an hour around three-quarters of a circle to get to the other side of the road.  Once there I looked down on that side of the in-town freeway to see an old car with a much older man outside taking to someone sitting on the passenger side. 
 
After getting my wife to pull over over safely on the side of the ramp, I got out and yelled down to the stranded man “are you OK?”  A slow Oklahoma country drawl came from the old man’s mouth “No sir, we ain’t”.   He looked harmless enough and had some difficulty walking, so I felt safe headed down the bank of the ramp to get close enough to talk to him.  On my way down I saw he was at least seventy-five or so and his passenger was a woman near his age who I assumed was his wife, which he later confirmed. 
 
As I stopped about six feet away from him, the old man said “once upon a time I was rich, but not no more.  That’s been gone for a long time.  It’s OK, but it’s hard when I come up short sometimes like now”.  I asked what was going on and he answered “we’re trying to get to some family down in Tahlequah.  The gas gauge don’t work and I thought we had enough to get there.  I was wrong and we ain’t got no money.”
 
About that time I saw the head of a baby close to a year old pop up from the lap of the woman in the car.  The old man said “that’s my great grand baby!  My wife and I been takin’ care of her ‘cause her momma and daddy ain’t no good.  It’s hard on us, but church helps us some and we get by.  I try not to complain ‘cause it’s what the good Lord sent us.  When I hold that little baby I just know God’ll provide for us somehow”.   
 
I asked about credit cards and found they didn’t have any.  I knew what had to be done. Remembering a farm supply store a few miles away across from a mini-mart I told him we’d be back be back in fifteen or twenty minutes with some gas.  At that moment the first smile I’d seen on the old guy’s face lit up.  The smile was missing half the teeth it once had but was warm and genuine.  His relief was obvious.  As I walked back to our car above I heard his “thank you mister” followed by the old woman chiming in right after with “God bless you sir”.
 
A half hour later we were back with a near full red plastic five gallon gas can.  My wife stayed in the car after we pulled up behind them on the shoulder of the road.  Not much spilled as I poured the gas into the tank of the old car without a funnel.  When done the old guy began trying to start his car.  It took a while and several false starts with the engine spitting and sputtering until it roared to life.  The motor was not running well, but seemed like it could get them to where they needed to go.
 
After buying the gas can and gas, I still had twenty-five dollars and some change left.  I kept a five and tried to give the remaining twenty to the old man sitting behind wheel of his old car.  He said “No sir, I ain’t gonna take your money.  You already been real too kind to us.  I’m much obliged God sent you.”  I insisted saying he didn’t have enough gas to finish his trip.  He continued to resist and shake his head side to side to say “no”.
 
Walking around to the passenger side of the car I made eye contact with the old lady and asked her if it would be ok if I gave her the money for the baby.  She looked at her husband and then at me… and repeated looking back and forth between us several times.  She never said a word, but ever so slightly he nodded his head “yes” to her.  I handed the money through the window and as she took it she held back tears and repeated the only four words I had heard her say earlier; “God bless you sir”.  Soon the car steered onto the highway and faded into the distance.
 
To this day I don’t know why I believed the old man.  He could have been a con artist, but if so he was damn good at it.  Even now I feel certain he was legit.  Real pain and fear are hard to make up.  The exact look in his face when he first looked into my eyes and began to speak saying “I used to be rich….” clearly showed the old man’s anguish. 

Even thought my now ex-wife was nervous enough to not get out of her truck, she was proud of what I did that day.  There will always be gladness within that we got to help someone in need, but to an even greater degree I am grateful for the gift I got that day.   Many times I have remembered the old man’s words “I used to be rich…” and how they touched me.  Thinking about those words and the situation I found him is a reminder that nothing on this Earth is permanent.  Tough times harder than we can even imagine are never far away from happening. The possessions I own, the money I have, the good health I enjoy: everything could all be gone in a blink!  I am grateful my memory of the encounter with the old couple is so vibrant yet today.  Each time I recall it my mind whispers softly to my soul, “There but for the grace of God, go I”.

Courage is as often the outcome of despair as of hope; in the one case we have nothing to lose, in the other, everything to gain.   Diane de Pointiers

When the Student is Ready…

/ James Browning / 2 Comments

Several times in the last ten years I have received a forwarded email titled “Bill Gates 11 Rules for Life” and while the list contains some relatively good advice, it has nothing to do with Bill Gates.  He never made a speech at a high school that contained the material being attributed to him.  The list most often sent around is actually incomplete in its length and who it is credited to.  The complete list includes 14 rules and comes from “Some Rules Kids Won’t Learn In School” by Charles J. Sykes.  It was originally printed in the San Diego Union Tribune on September 19, 1996.  Here’s the original text in complete and unedited form:

Unfortunately, there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don’t. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.

Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase, “It’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No. 1.

Rule No. 2: The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.

Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’til you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he’s not going to ask you how you feel about it.

Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grand-parents had a different word of burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule No. 6: It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life,” and “You’re not the boss of me” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it, or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn’t. In some schools, they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone’s feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4)

Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we’re at it, very few jobs are interesting in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)

Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you’re out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That’s what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for “expressing yourself” with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.

Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven’t seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.

Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now.

You’re welcome.

Whether you’re six or sixty there is good practical advice for living contained within Mr. Sykes list.  Even for my peers who are “middle ager’s” all we have to do is substitute a few words here and there and apply a different context on a few rules to make the advice fully applicable.  I am grateful for the reminder this list brings to me and for it coming back into my life again today completely unexpected via email.

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Buddhist Proverb 

The Road Less Traveled

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

There is someone who lives about 200 miles away who has become a good friend over the last five years.  The common ground for us has been our struggles with life including depression, broken marriages, shame and regret.  When I hit my crisis point in 2007 she encouraged me, often emailed and sometimes called to see how I was and generally gave me support.  Now it is my turn.  Through the lessons of difficulty she is potentially at a new starting point.  Great discomfort can encourage a person to change and open the gateway to growth.  My pain was the catalyst for my growth and I hope hers can be turned into a positive force in a similar manner.   
   
In this current period of difficulty she has come face to face with herself and her past and truly wants to grow beyond it all.  She reached out for advice in an email last evening and what I sent her were some borrowed words below from the book “The Road less Traveled” written by psychiatrist, M. Scott Peck, M.D.

Life is difficult.  This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths.  It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it.  Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is not longer difficult.  Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.
 
Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult.  Instead they moan more or less incessantly, notably or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy.  They voice their belief noisily or subtly that their difficulties represent a unique kind of affliction that should not be and that has somehow been especially visited upon them…
 
Yet it is in this whole process of meeting… problems that life has its meaning.  Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and wisdom.  It is because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually.  When we desire to encourage the growth of the human spirit, we challenge and encourage the human capacity to solve problems, just as in school we deliberately set problems for our children to solve.  It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn.  As Benjamin Franklin said, “Those things that hurt, instruct”. 
 
…when we avoid the legitimate suffering that results from dealing with problems, we also avoid the growth that problems demand from us.  It is for this reason that in chronic mental illness we stop growing, we become stuck.  And without healing, the human spirit begins to shrivel.
 
 Problems do not go away.  They must be worked thorough or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit.  We must accept responsibility for a problem before we can solve it. 
 
Self-discipline is a self-enlarging process. 
 
What are these tools… these means of experiencing the pain of problems constructively that I call discipline?  There are four: delaying of gratification, acceptance of responsibly, dedication to truth and balancing.  

Delaying of gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with.  It is the only decent way to live.  

We cannot solve life’s problems except by solving them.  …we must accept responsibility for a problem before we can solve it.  We cannot solve a problem by saying “It’s not my problem.”  We cannot solve a problem by hoping that someone else will solve it for us.  I can solve a problem only when I say “This is my problem and it’s up to me to solve it.” (You can only solve YOUR problems.  You can not solve a problem that belongs to someone else). 

Truth is reality.  Our view of reality is like a map with which to negotiate the terrain of life.  If the map is true and accurate, we will generally know where we are and if we have decided where we want to go, we will generally know how to get there.  If the way is false and inaccurate, we generally will be lost. 

Balancing is the discipline that gives us flexibility.  The essence of this discipline of balance is “giving up”.  …as we negotiate the curves and corners of our lives, we must continually give up parts of ourselves. …personality traits, well-established patterns of behavior, ideologies and even whole life styles. 

Dr. Peck’s book was good reading when I first got through it a decade ago.  Now down the road in my growth his words speak to me much more strongly now.  I am grateful for the help I received from Dr. Peck through his book and thankful now I can offer a little of its wisdom to someone I care about.

You can’t run away from trouble.  There ain’t no place that far.  Uncle Remus

And Then the Day Came….

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Be moderate in order to taste the joys of life in abundance.
Epicurus

Looking back I can see lacking moderation burned brightly through the majority of my life.  Only a few years ago I began to see how out of control my behavior was.  That awareness was a shock at first but over time became my personal catalyst for growth and evolution.  
 
Gone are the days of believing I was earning some sort of merit badge to be one of the very last people to leave work each day.  In hindsight what I was trying to prove with that behavior escapes me.  Was I trying to make others think more highly of me because of my hardcore work ethic?  Was I attempting to prove worth to myself?  Was I avoiding things outside of work?  Correct answer:  all three!
 
Once upon a time the home life I cultivated contained even more mania.  Always there was a consuming interest that filled my time away from work.  Learning to fly and owning an airplane filled my spare time for around a decade.  Then came my photography studio for ten years where I worked on average of two nights per week and a day and a half each weekend in addition to my very demanding full-time job.  These and other “interests” were “blocking tools” to avoid dealing with things that needed attention.  Each was a sort of madness I used as something to run away into.  As long as I kept running away I did not have to deal with things. Oh, did I say I was married and had a son in school while I was lost in this craziness?

From the book “Now Is the Time” by Patrick Lindsay
Life rushes between the mundane and madness.
Contentment is often found in moderation.
Balance is elusive.
But simply seeking it allows you to avoid excesses.
Don’t make it a contest:
Allow things to happen naturally.
You’ll be surprised how often they center themselves
And open up vast possibilities.

Running away and living a relentlessly manic life eventually became tiring.  Under the weight of accumulated regret and sheer exhaustion what I was running away from caught up with me.  My junk from childhood tackled and took me down.  My only escape was to finally deal with it all.  And then the day came when the desire to remain the same was more painful than the risk to evolve.
 
Last evening I spent time looking carefully through a notebook and other materials I saved from the five weeks I voluntarily choose to spend at The Meadows http://www.themeadows.com/.  In 2007, it was there I sought treatment for depression, compulsion and childhood trauma.  Until last night my notes from that time had not been touched for over 4 years.   There is no way to have known in advance what an emotional experience reading and looking back would be.
 
Looking through the materials, readily apparent was how far I had come in the fifty months since my recovery began in earnest.  It did my self-image good to see all those baby steps taken day by day since then had accumulated into great positive personal growth.  It was also clear how screwed up I was before my work began in earnest to have a better life. 
 
In a notebook I found there is this I wrote about sexual compulsion:  I came to the Meadows to learn how to learn to manage my addiction; to find a way to keep from damaging my life.  I have been celibate for almost eight months, but I know it was just a matter of time like it has always been in my adult life before eventually I got triggered again.  Most of all my addiction has hurt me, damaged me and caused me to carry a pile of unnecessary shame.  I am tired of it, sick to my bones of the addiction.  There is no peace in my life that I need so badly. 
 
Hand written a few pages later was: By giving in I already have found some relief to my chronic pain from my addiction.  It gives me joy to know that with my Higher Power I can move forward with my life:  one life, not two.  Not one in the open and one secret like before.  I just need to use what I have learned, accept help and stop trying to do it all by myself.  I need to remember I am enough, to love myself and keep my faith in my Higher Power. 
 
Just below I wrote:  I’m 54 years old and I want peace, I need it and will do whatever I can to attain it. 
 
That is exactly what happened.  In the four years since those passages were written a good measure of peace and balance has come into my life.  Truthfully the words “I am happy” can come from my mouth.  And for the first time I have fallen in love without all the noise and dysfunction within me.  I am  very grateful for how far I have come.

Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.  Rachel Naomi Remen

The Problem is not the Problem….

/ James Browning / 3 Comments

Professionally my job is to manage a small business.  On Wednesday’s I have a “first thing in the morning” meeting with seven department heads and I try to leave them with something positive and thought-provoking.  This week it was a two-minute video from the “In Search of Excellence” guy, Tom Peters: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFZA2rWUjxI

In the video Mr. Peters says:
1) The problem is never the problem.  The response to the problem is almost always the problem. 
2) The way you deal with a problem is frankly so much more important on many dimensions than the problem itself.  
2) Perception is all there is.  There is no reality.  There is only perception.
 
Out of the blue while I was eating lunch yesterday the line “The problem is never the problem…” came up in my mind.  In that moment I realized the statement was just as true for personal life as it was in Mr. Peter’s frame of reference regarding commerce, trade and industry.  Clearly I was able to see the majority of my troubled life experiences did not come from the “codependence” I learned as a child.  My problems came from my response to “codependence”.

That moment of crystal clear thought resonated to be a universal truth I will carry forward.  I’ll remember “the problem for me is not my dysfunction.  The problem is my response to that dysfunction: codependence’.

“Codependence” was originally used to describe one in a relationship with a substance abuser, and is co-dependent with the addict. In that context, the codependent is the person who counts drinks, makes excuses, and is hyper vigilant of the addict’s moods in an attempt to gain some control over something they have no control over….the substance abuser’s behavior.

“Codependence” today has come to mean any person who focuses on another person in order to gain some kind of control. For example, a codependent who lives with a violent man watches him to assess his moods, walks on eggshells to keep from upsetting him, is cautious about what she says so he won’t get mad, etc.  A codependent boyfriend might keep his needs to himself. He doesn’t voice an opinion until he sees what his girlfriend believes, so he won’t come into conflict with her.

The basis of codependence is about having a dysfunctional relationship with my self.  Because I had a dysfunctional relationship internally with myself, I choose dysfunctional relationships externally. The impetus was to take care of others with all I had and to love them without boundaries so they would do the same in return to me.  It was crazy thinking to believe by saving someone I would get saved.  Such action is how a person trying save someone drowning ends up getting pulled under by the drowning person.

In reference to Mr. Peters train of thought “the problem is not the problem, the response is the problem” it is clear to see now my response to codependence was to follow without questioning the conditioning of childhood.  It never occurred to me a big part of the problem was me by choosing those who were not able to have a healthy relationship. Things began to improve when I became aware of my codependence which over time drastically altered my behavior and greatly improved my life.

Examples of “OLD Reactions”
Examples of “NEW Reactions”

Find needy people to take care of
Find healthy people good at self-care
Try to please others instead of myself
Try to please me first instead of others
Feel victimized by the “selfishness” of others
Don’t associate with “victim” players
Try to be all things to all people all the time
Realize I am just me & that is enough
Have difficulty saying “no”/setting boundaries
Set good boundaries and say “no”
Try to prove I am good enough to be loved
I’m good enough to be loved just as I am
Try to be perfect and expect others to be perfect
I am ‘perfectly imperfect’
Have self-blame and put myself down
Rarely put myself down & spot it when I do

My natural and previous reaction to codependence was a tangle of dysfunctional relationships that did not meet my needs.  Romantic relationships, family relationships, work relationships: all my relationships were affected.  But life is different now.  The old behavior is not gone completely.  Decades of habitual response is not eradicated by a few years of awareness.  Every day that I side step my codependent tendencies, the less volume the noise of codependence booms within my life.  I am HUGELY grateful for my improved perception and awareness that guide me to react to my problems in ways that ARE NOT the problem.

Most of the problems in life are because of two reasons:
we act without thinking
we keep on thinking without acting.
Anonymous