Until four years ago I was completely ignorant it was moderate depression that hit me for a few days every four to six weeks.  My assumption was I was “normal” and everyone went through a short period several times a year when life was one big question.  When the darkened days arrived, uncertainties came that were many and answers few.  Colors appeared faded, nothing tasted good, all sound seemed like noise and touch became numbness.  In survival mode, I hid what I was feeling from everyone, or at least tried very hard to.  

Today I know it was “me” I was running from.  Once I came face to face with my self about five years ago and lived through the healing hell of self acceptance, the “monster” of depression lost much of its ability to abuse me.  It still comes, but less often and with far less intensity.  When depression pops up it no longer robs me of  my senses of color, taste, touch and sound.  With just knowing depression for what it is I am much stronger and far more alive. Awareness can do amazing things.   Coming to know and accepting the real “me”, forgiveness and self-administered kindness are highly effective curatives.

Now when dark clouds start gathering and the winds of dissatisfaction begin to blow, I fall back on what I have learned.  Simple sayings have become sign posts I hold on to so I am not blown off course.  Here are six good reasons that help me stay my course:   

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them — every day begin the task anew.  Saint Francis de Sales

Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.  C.S. Lewis

What you thought before has led to every choice you have made, and this adds up to you at this moment. If you want to change who you are physically, mentally, and spiritually, you will have to change what you think.  Dr. Patrick Gentempo

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon – instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today. Dale Carnegie

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. Helen Keller

It is never too late to be what you might have been. George Eliott

Trying at this moment to make a complete gratitude list for the help I found in overcoming the effects of depression, my attempt will be very incomplete.  However, top of mind that I am grateful for is my therapist who lit the way, the tools I learned at The Meadows, the support of other sufferers and the love and caring I received from a few dear to me.  Now I know around one in three people suffer at least sometimes as I used to.  In that knowledge comes great comfort for me that I have always been far from alone.  I am very grateful.      

Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, “Forget it,” or “it will pass,” or “it could be worse” — all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I do say ”delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling”. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process.  Peter Koestenbaum