When the phrase “I love me” was spoken aloud the statement used to feel awkward, uncomfortable and untrue.  No, more than that; it felt stupid.  Now I know why it seemed so foreign; I did not love myself!  At best I loved myself a little with lots of reservations built in.   At worst, I held myself in great contempt and could come up with nothing specific to love myself for.  I have learned that love of self is inexplicably tied to my ability to love others.  Whenever love is conditional upon external conditions it is not really love at all and likely some sort of compulsion or obsession instead.  Coming to know love “warts and all” has been a real eye opener for me.  Or better yet, a real “soul opener”. 

The phrase “warts and all” has often been credited to Oliver Cromwell’s instructions to the painter Sir Peter Lely.  Lely’s painting style was, as was usual in the 1600’s, intended to flatter the sitter.  Cromwell had a preference for being portrayed as a military man and disdained any form of personal vanity. Cromwell was so adamant that Lely modified his usual overly complementary style and did what the leader wanted.

It is recorded that Cromwell’s words were “Mr. Lely, I desire you would use all your skill to paint my picture truly like me, and not flatter me at all; but remark all these roughness’s, pimples, warts and everything as you see me, otherwise I will never pay a farthing for it.”  We have Oliver Cromwell’s death mask as a reference. The mask shows a face with warts and imperfections making it evident that Lely’s portrait is an accurate record of Cromwell’s actual appearance.

How I began to love myself was to find some acceptance for my “roughness’s, pimples, warts”.  I made peace with my non-perfect features and habits.  It took time to come to see that each of those imperfect things worked together to create a unique person that has not been before nor will ever be again.  Given time and practice I did come to know the meaning of “perfectly imperfect”.  I became glad to be me.

My acceptance of self had to happen on many levels before I could love myself.  There had to be peace made with my age (in my 50’s) and wishes of being younger had to be taken down to few and far between.  I needed a clear realization of what my talents were which could only come with acceptance of my lack of talent in other things.  It was the contrast between the two that created a more clear way of my seeing me.  There needed to be pride and satisfaction from my past good behaviors and forgiveness for the ones I regretted.  Finding fulfillment in my fiscal health as it was had to happen so I could put away “wishing my life away” for money and things I did not have.  It even took accepting that no woman would ever love me again romantically in order for romantic love to find me.  

The pinnacle of the lesson could not be achieved until I found contentment with who I was and what I had done.  Only then could I love myself.  If I allowed misgivings about my past or disliked my present lot in life, my ability to love was unconditionally was stunted.  

Once upon a time I thought “self-care” was about spoiling one’s self.  Luxury, comfort and pleasure were always the first things that came to mind when I thought of it.  As enjoyable as such experiences may be they are not necessarily good self-care and can easily be the reverse in the form of a compulsion or addiction.

Today I love my self.   Saying “no” to something I don’t want to do is good self-care just as well as eating healthfully is.  Making sure I get ample sleep and rest is good self-care and so is setting good boundaries with others.  Even putting people not good for me outside my life is good self-care just as well as getting past bad habits. 

Until personal truth was made of the statement “you can not truly love others until you love yourself” I honestly did not know what love really was.  Opening my heart, mind and soul to acceptance of the “real me”is what brought me to its true meaning.  Once I began to find “me” I discovered love had been around me the whole time.  However, my state of being previously caused me to be unable to feel it.   Today I am grateful for the ability to feel honest human emotion and to love myself “warts and all”.  Joy leaps in my heart as I write those words.

Self love is food for your mind-body-soul, the nourishment that you need even before you can make any meaningful attempt to do anything great or anything at all. You access the beauty, strength, grace and eternal nature that is you.  Evelyn Lim