Professionally my job is to manage a small business.  On Wednesday’s I have a “first thing in the morning” meeting with seven department heads and I try to leave them with something positive and thought-provoking.  This week it was a two-minute video from the “In Search of Excellence” guy, Tom Peters: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFZA2rWUjxI

In the video Mr. Peters says:
1) The problem is never the problem.  The response to the problem is almost always the problem. 
2) The way you deal with a problem is frankly so much more important on many dimensions than the problem itself.  
2) Perception is all there is.  There is no reality.  There is only perception.
 
Out of the blue while I was eating lunch yesterday the line “The problem is never the problem…” came up in my mind.  In that moment I realized the statement was just as true for personal life as it was in Mr. Peter’s frame of reference regarding commerce, trade and industry.  Clearly I was able to see the majority of my troubled life experiences did not come from the “codependence” I learned as a child.  My problems came from my response to “codependence”.

That moment of crystal clear thought resonated to be a universal truth I will carry forward.  I’ll remember “the problem for me is not my dysfunction.  The problem is my response to that dysfunction: codependence’.

“Codependence” was originally used to describe one in a relationship with a substance abuser, and is co-dependent with the addict. In that context, the codependent is the person who counts drinks, makes excuses, and is hyper vigilant of the addict’s moods in an attempt to gain some control over something they have no control over….the substance abuser’s behavior.

“Codependence” today has come to mean any person who focuses on another person in order to gain some kind of control. For example, a codependent who lives with a violent man watches him to assess his moods, walks on eggshells to keep from upsetting him, is cautious about what she says so he won’t get mad, etc.  A codependent boyfriend might keep his needs to himself. He doesn’t voice an opinion until he sees what his girlfriend believes, so he won’t come into conflict with her.

The basis of codependence is about having a dysfunctional relationship with my self.  Because I had a dysfunctional relationship internally with myself, I choose dysfunctional relationships externally. The impetus was to take care of others with all I had and to love them without boundaries so they would do the same in return to me.  It was crazy thinking to believe by saving someone I would get saved.  Such action is how a person trying save someone drowning ends up getting pulled under by the drowning person.

In reference to Mr. Peters train of thought “the problem is not the problem, the response is the problem” it is clear to see now my response to codependence was to follow without questioning the conditioning of childhood.  It never occurred to me a big part of the problem was me by choosing those who were not able to have a healthy relationship. Things began to improve when I became aware of my codependence which over time drastically altered my behavior and greatly improved my life.

Examples of “OLD Reactions”
Examples of “NEW Reactions”

Find needy people to take care of
Find healthy people good at self-care
Try to please others instead of myself
Try to please me first instead of others
Feel victimized by the “selfishness” of others
Don’t associate with “victim” players
Try to be all things to all people all the time
Realize I am just me & that is enough
Have difficulty saying “no”/setting boundaries
Set good boundaries and say “no”
Try to prove I am good enough to be loved
I’m good enough to be loved just as I am
Try to be perfect and expect others to be perfect
I am ‘perfectly imperfect’
Have self-blame and put myself down
Rarely put myself down & spot it when I do

My natural and previous reaction to codependence was a tangle of dysfunctional relationships that did not meet my needs.  Romantic relationships, family relationships, work relationships: all my relationships were affected.  But life is different now.  The old behavior is not gone completely.  Decades of habitual response is not eradicated by a few years of awareness.  Every day that I side step my codependent tendencies, the less volume the noise of codependence booms within my life.  I am HUGELY grateful for my improved perception and awareness that guide me to react to my problems in ways that ARE NOT the problem.

Most of the problems in life are because of two reasons:
we act without thinking
we keep on thinking without acting.
Anonymous