In the last year a person came into my life who fairly rapidly became a close friend. She is easy to talk to, insightful and in ways sees me with far more clarity than my self view allows. When I was afraid to fall in love with the dear woman in my life now, P. encouraged me. For that I will always be grateful. Frequently she will email a random thought she had that turns out to be right in the strike zone for what I needed to read that day.

Yesterday she wrote: That the reason you had to go through all you went through and worked your way out of is to help others now. Your path in life could be destined to show others the way, the truth, and the light. The added bonus is that this makes you a happy man. You’ve made it, continue to make it. You are being rewarded for 58 years of trying. You have influence on lives you are not aware of. That is a wonderful thing.

For me it is very humbling to read P.’s words. Making a difference has always been a desire in my heart but its daily practice came about because I felt it had to. Uncertainty as to how to explain that fills me. In the last few years recovery from depression and other related “stuff” came through involvement with others. Therapists and such were a big help, but peers who suffer as I have were the greatest help. There is something unifying about relating to a person who knows what one feels. Pain is like that. If I come to know your suffering is like mine, I don’t need specific details. The anguish is already inside me and I relate on an emotional level and feel you as a kindred soul. Boiled down, it’s very simple: Getting better together is much easier than getting better alone.

For the second time writing this morning my eyes water up for I don’t see myself as one who makes that much of a difference. Yet when I am told I do it moves me deeply for being a positive influence to others is something I admire greatly in others. Certainly I look up to people who have moved mountains for positive change. My admiration is great for writers and artists who left a bit of themselves behind that enhances living for others. Seeing a person be unusually kind to another moves me deeper than words that come at the moment will allow me to express. But to be thought of as one that makes a difference even a small way is difficult for me to grasp. It has been my affliction my whole life to have an unclear view of myself, often for a good reason like self-protection. To see good in myself is very, very difficult. That’s why being told I make a difference is so meaningful to me.

When a person thanks me for a kindness or expresses gratitude for a little help or encouragement, I mostly brush it off. My manner is to deflect praise as I do not know how to accept it.  Kind words are appreciated, but my ability to express thanks as I feel it eludes me to this day. Why else would I be sitting here typing this through tears? The emotion of the moment is gratitude; great, great gratitude. Humility overcomes me as I wonder how I got to be so blessed to have the life I  have now. Happiness has fully invaded my life to the point I find it almost unbelievable, yet accept it is as true with thankfulness and appreciation.

No longer do I hate the pain I have endured. Inside me there is little animosity any more toward those who have hurt me. The days of being lost in my own dysfunctions I now see as my necessary walk across the hot coals to arrive here and now. I am finding the strength to forgive myself for the heartache I have caused and in letting go of the guilt and shame, I find liberation. Each time I am forgiven and in each moment I give forgiveness the ability to give and receive mercy and absolution grows. Each kind word spoken touches my heart and makes me wish to give that gift back to someone else.  I feel with a greater propensity and depth that ever before.

Years ago I read we see our past lives as moving from one point in a straight line to another point. We see a starting place and a current position when in fact the line from then to now is jagged and twisted. I know well about my detours and getting lost along the way and in spite of all the twists and turns today I too perceive my life experience as a straight line. The difficulties of my youth made me more caring and emotional. The challenges of my adult life made me strong and resilient. The pain I caused others caused me to feel my own pain more fully. And so on to where I am today: abundantly happy, deeply and profoundly in love and humbly grateful for every moment of my life that brought me to this joy I feel today. Yes, P. “I’ve made it!”

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.   Groucho Marx