Yesterday I emailed a friend I felt like I had a “new lease on life”.  That is one of those catch phrases I have used without ever knowing its specific root meaning.  That idea caught my attention and I did a little on-line research.  “A new lease on life” means“a fresh start, renewed vigor and good health.  This term with its allusion to a rental agreement dates from the early 1800s and originally referred only to recovery from illness. By the mid-1800s it was applied to any kind of fresh beginning”.

Often when poking around on-line I will find a side track from the original search and the same happened with “new lease on life”.  It took me to wikihow.com and “the meaning of life” defined as “Seek without purpose.The universe will unfold and become clear when you seek knowledge without prejudice. Knowledge is not a destination, but a journey. Human knowledge is also imperfect. But don’t despair; we know enough to come to firm conclusions. A ‘fact’ can only mean ‘confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent.’  

Being in one of my ‘thirsting to know’ mindsets I stayed on a pursuit pertaining to “a new lease on life” + “the meaning of life”.  Intellectually well footed in the momentary subject I continued forward until I found myself reading about the Greek stoic Epicurus and his teachings about the “greatest good”.  This wise dude of about 2300 years ago believed the “greatest good” came from seeking modest pleasures, to attain tranquility and freedom from fear via knowledge, friendship, and virtuous, temperate living.  That all sounded good, but when I got to the part about Epicurus believing in complete abstention from sex, I left old “Mr. E” behind.

In recent times sex has been only a memory and the cause was intentional.  My promise to self was never again would I just have “sex” and should the opportunity for physical closeness come once more (which I hoped it would) its form would be “making love” and no other.  For a time I needed a cleansing period and a chance for the “dirt” I mixed into my past life to fall away from me.

Immediately around growing up it seemed every adult was trying to bed another adult and marriage more often than not did not contain faithfulness.  It did not matter that the good in me believed otherwise.  Such thinking was fragile, and as with most “kids”, I learned more from what I saw than what I read or was told.  I became an adult akin to the ones I grew up around, most pointedly, my Mother and Father.

Finally coming to comprehend my path of destruction to others and even more so to myself, I got into recovery four years ago and yesterday was the fourth anniversary of when I finished my five-week stink at The Meadows treatment center.  There I began my recovery in earnest from a diagnosis of P.T.S.D., survivor of childhood trauma, codependency, moderate depression, love avoidance and sexual compulsiveness.  Those without deep issues or not in recovery might be a little shocked I would lay my dysfunctions out so publicly.  The ability to openly express myself this way without fear is a sizeable piece of getting better.  Simply I am no longer afraid of it all and further, none of it is much of a factor in my life any more (and I maintain awareness so it won’t!).  I can not tell you how pleased I am about that!  My life is good and getting better rapidly.

At this point dear reader you must be curious about where a piece is headed that starts with thoughts about a new lease on life and the greatest good then continues to a written monologue about my sex life, dysfunction and recovery.  So go ahead and say it:  “Where the heck is he going with all this?”

Here’s where:  Last night I sat and lay on the couch with the one I love listening to music in a way that was wholesome, sweet and pure.  In an innocent way, she and I “made love”.  We mostly just held each other and enjoyed being close.  We had all our clothes on and desire beyond was never a driving force or one yielded to.  In my present life such a thing is not only possible, it is easy!  In my previous life such an occurrence would have been near impossible as being close to a woman was almost always dominated by sexual meaning.

There is a time and place for everything and last night was appropriate for the moment.  No one’s boundary was surpassed and this morning I am filled with joy and wonder to be able to practice with a woman I love what I worked so hard to learn. I love you K. and am so very, very grateful for your presence in “my new lease on life” and the appearance of the “greatest good” I have ever known.

Life is a journey, not a destination.  Ralph Waldo Emerson