This morning while searching in “My Documents” I came across something I wrote almost four years ago.  The “Recovery Letter” was originally hand-written while I was at The Meadows working past my childhood junk.  The assignment was to create a letter to one’s self that could be pulled out and read as an intervention tool in the event old practice and habit appeared to be trying to return.  My letter did come in handy once or twice in the months just after I returned to “real life”.  Since then times have been steadily better.  I have not read what I wrote in about three years.  It was unanticipated fortune to stumble upon the letter this morning.  The serendipitous re-reading and sharing it here renews and reaffirms the letter’s contents within me. 

October, 2007 

Dear James, 

Chances are if you are reading this you are going through a difficult time.  You may be hurt, stressed, lonely or suffering from old wounds.  But DON’T do what you have thought about.  Read this entire letter and think about what is being said here:

• Your compulsion is a dead-end.
• There is not anything good about it but momentary pleasure.
• You will feel horrible and guilty like always, but especially now that you have worked so hard to recover.
• Think of all those you will disappoint.
• Think of how much you will be disappointing yourself!
• Somewhere within it all you will begin to lie again and keep secrets.
• Professionally your career could be hurt badly when others find out … and in time they will.
• Think of what your son will think of you.
• Your Mother and Father’s abuse will be alive within you once again.  THEY WILL WIN!!!!  YOU ARE NOT THEM!!!
• You will worry about what you have done, shame will fill you and sleep will be difficult.

 So think about what you are considering.  Think long and hard.  Remember what you learned at the Meadows:

You are enough.   
You are NOT your past.
You are a good man.
You are perfectly imperfect
Think of the child within that needs you.
You are strong and can accomplish anything.
 
You deserve better.  You are worthy of having your needs met in a way that respects the ideals you stand for.  You are loved.   You are respected.  Keep your new spirituality intact.  Enjoy the peace you have searched for… for so very long.  Don’t mess up the grace you have found.
 
Somehow, someway PLEASE find a way to fill your need besides what you are thinking of doing.  Don’t do that one thing that messes up EVERYTHING.  You have worked so hard to be free.  I beg you, PLEASE DON’T do what you are thinking of.
 
Remember all you feel is the torture of your past.  It is not real anymore.  Don’t lie to yourself.  Remember your truth.  You love yourself.  Let it fill you.  Now call a friend, a peer, take a photograph, do affirmations, read a book, go for a ride or a walk… do whatever you need to do… BUT DON”T ACT OUT AGAIN.  I BEG YOU NOT TO DO IT.
 
I LOVE YOU, 
me

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. 
E. E. Cummings