Writing in a journal has never been an activity I could find consistency with.  I must have a dozen journals with the early pages filled and then nothing afterward.  My entries are haphazard.  Sometimes I would write fairly consistently and at others skip months, and even years without writing.  At random I picked one of those journals up this morning and began to read.   

February 4, 2001 Ritz Carlton Hotel, Atlanta,  Beginning or Ending? 
Ending – the way I have lived and the thoughts I have…. Have not gotten me to the place I seek.  I have been blessed with the fortune to not have to work and soon, within 2 years or so (age 50) I will leave my profession to seek the life… the peace I need.

Beginning – I am only now realizing the illusion I have chased.  Peace must come from within me.  Nothing material on Earth nor anyone can give me what I seek: the balance, the peace, the strength of wisdom and knowing. 

February 7, 2001 7:25am
The ‘path’ makes such logical sense and speaks to my heart (Buddhist Eightfold Noble Path), yet it is difficult to follow.  Old habits and emotions are strong and I can only beat them back at times. 

February 8, 2001 8:05am
Finding it sometimes difficult to gain the determination to meditate each morning.  All old habits die hard.

March 2, 2001
Just spent two weeks in Europe… Netherlands and Poland.  Drifted back to smoking all the time.  Need to get back on track.  _____’s immaturity is a big problem for me and I am having great difficulty dealing with it.  Her child-like way is both appealing and repulsive.  Such a paradox.  Need to focus on me to find solution and let her focus on her.  Unsure of outcome.

Over two years later……

June 30, 2003 Monday 7:30am
And I begin again.  After several years of at times being focused on my practice alternating with times of loss of focus.  I begin again.  Quit smoking for 9 weeks last summer and started back.  But need to quit.  _____ and I continue the roller coaster.  Three weeks ago after returning from Europe she seems to have “got it” and opened her full heart.  I am skeptical, but hopeful.  Still feeling a longing, wishing to be happy, but yet lost and not knowing how to accomplish it. 

July 1, 2003 Tuesday
Work is sending me back to counseling.  I’m told I’m not open, approachable and react badly to others.  I’ve tried so hard to be liked and to be a good boss and leader.  Bad economic times seem to go on and on in the market.  Very tough.  Somehow I have to get through.  I can’t afford to get fired.  I wish I understood better.  I wish I knew why I have this gnawing feeling inside all the time.  Chronic discontent.

• I was fired in late August, 2003 from a company I had been employed by for almost 20 years. 
• October and November, 2006.  I finally dealt with my “stuff” by spending five weeks at a healing place called “The Meadows” in Wickenburg, Arizona.  Miracles happen there and at least two happened for me.  I came home a changed man

September 9, 2009
Interesting date.  9-9-9. Nine’s have always been a lucky number for me.  Raining and lightning now.  Hoping the hot Oklahoma weather is almost over for this year.  Life is good.

Sept 29, 2009
Played hooky from work.  Came home about 12:30pm.  Rested.  Went to bed at 8:45pm.  Slept 10 hours.  Feel great.

February 11, 2011 Tulsa
____ (son) visiting.  Having fun.  Proud of my son!  Went to see Ozzy Osbourne last night.  Very good.  Lots of snow still around.  Fourteen inches last week.  Six inches this week.  Lows of minus eleven!

Revisiting my old journal reminds me where I used to be and to appreciate where I find myself today.  There is much gratitude to not be stuck “back there” anymore.  For so long I knew something was wrong, but had no idea what to do.  My determination would swell to where I was convinced to be at a new beginning.  Then over and over within weeks I fell back into old habits and ways of being.  Each time failure only made the next attempt that much more difficult.

In the journal before I faced my demons in 2006 and then some years afterwards I am able to clearly discern a big different.   The three short entries written 2009 and 2011 are short, light and reflect a happier and more contented man. 

My life has not turned out the way I thought it would and it is far from perfect.   Divorce, injuries and recovery, financial challenges and life unfolding far differently than I once anticipated has me today still working fulltime.  I am quite a long way from being able to retire now.  That’s OK.   I have learned happiness is not about what is happening in my life.  It is all about my attitude toward what is happening.  That fact combined with the people I love and who love me sums up what I have come to know as at least three quarters of the recipe for a good life. 

The BIG lesson I learned along the way I will never forget:  I COULD NOT DO IT ALONE.  All those years I tried to fix myself ended up meaning little compared to what happened when I finally accepted help from others.  Thank you all for your love and assistance.

Its seems to be shallow and arrogant for any man in these times to claim he is completely self-made, that he owes all his success to his own unaided efforts.  Many hands and hearts and minds generally contribute to anyone’s notable achievements.  Walt Disney