Throughout my life, inwardly I have always been a deeply feeling person.  Only in recent years have I been secure enough to outwardly allow myself to be openly seen as I actually am. Previously only a very few allowed close were able to see at least a little of the real me.  Even then most was still tucked away from their sight.  

Others outside a handful of people were allowed only to see the façade I projected:  confident, secure, in control and driven.  I was very good at playing that part.  Too good!  Those images were perceived by most as factual when being driven by a determined and almost blind ambition was the only accuracy.  Being highly motivated without a good sense of direction is much like a car stuck in the mud, “petal to the metal”, engine racing, tires spinning, slinging mud, and going no where while getting stuck more and more by digging a deeper and deeper hole.  Sounds like a good deal of my life! 

Now I can state openly I have never had a consistent feeling of confidence.  The only feeling of security I have ever had previously was the lack of it.  I only knew being in control of being out of control.  And my drive for so long came as much from running away as it did from running toward anything.  It feels good to honestly admit publically the turmoil that was truthfully going on inside me for decades.  Doing so makes me feel human, normal and “perfectly imperfect”. 

Have things changed drastically now?  Yes and no.  The old stuff is still there and that layer will always be with me.  Now however, there is a new stratum of acceptance and self-confidence that comes from simply knowing my self better AND being accepting of me.  My current awareness shows me much of my emotional disconnect and discomfort came from wanting to be different than I was.  Living today I have grown to be more than I once was, yet I have not really changed.  Inside is who I have always been though through self acceptance now I am so much more than I used to be.     

The questions I have so long asked inside about others are the big three:
1) Do you care about me?
2) Can I trust you?
3) Will you help me?
Finding “yes” answers for all three is essential for me to find a genuine and meaningful connection with another person.  

In his blog “Success Begins Today” John Richardson quotes John Maxwell:  “The ability to communicate and connect with others is a major determining factor in reaching your potential. To be successful, you must work with others. To do that at your absolute best, you must learn to connect.”  Mr. Richardson goes on to say “…connecting does not come naturally. It’s something that you need to learn and fine tune.”  True connection he defines as: “freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity; probity in intention or in communicating; earnestness.”    http://successbeginstoday.org/wordpress/2011/07/making-a-true-connection/  

Like many people I had to learn to connect and my learning curve was steeper than for many. For me there were no childhood mentors showing the way.  Instead I taught myself through trial and error.  As a student of myself I have been a slow learner.  There is a positive element in gaining knowledge slowly as most often lessons learned gradually are lessons learned well.  I regret there is a trail of damaged relationships behind me left in the wake of my learning through experimentation within the laboratory of life.  

Today what you see is what you get.  I am no longer hidden away with the light of my truth hidden under a basket.  Coming here each day and presenting myself just as am will cause some to be disbelieving or even put off by my openness.  That’s OK.  There is acceptance within for “not being able to please all the people all the time”.  I don’t even try any more.  Presenting my honest and true self to the world is a wonderful people sorting mechanism.  Showing my real and true self causes people good for me to be attracted closer and those not so good to be repelled.    

I find knowing my inner reality more accurately allows me to make better choices.  When I can escape having my full attention on my thoughts and instead focus the majority of my awareness upon what I feel, I make the best choices.  Call it instinct, spirit, gut, heart, intuition or whatever… it never lies and almost always points me in the directions best for me.  

When you’re a beautiful person on the inside, there is nothing in the world that can change that about you.  Jealousy is the result of one’s lack of self-confidence, self-worth, and self acceptance.  The Lesson:  If you can’t accept yourself, then certainly no one else will.  Sasha Azevedo 

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