Memory tells me the first time I did it I was around 12 or 13 and found the experience startling.  It was then I looked into the bathroom mirror with pointed focus and truly saw myself.  For the first time I was not simply acknowledging my reflection as I had previously done.  I was really seeing “me”.  The thoughts at that moment were fairly alarming as through my mind ran related thoughts like:  “Is this really me?  Am I am really here?  Do I really look to others like what I see?”  For a while I would look away whenever it was me in the mirror I began to “see” because of the uncomfortable feeling it I got from the experience.  Over time I have become more able to let “me see me”, but the process and I are tenuous friends at best.  

In retrospect I think the first experience as a kid of seeing my self could be a natural part of the self-discovery of growing up.  However, I have never tried confirming that with anyone else.  The thought I have kept is mentioning the experience to another person could get me labeled as “weird” even though I have continued to try to notice myself in this manner since childhood.  Only now writing at a time when I have better acceptance of my uniqueness do I wonder publically if others ever have similar experiences.  

Previously I wrote about seeing beyond looking a few weeks ago:   https://goodmorninggratitude.com/2011/05/25/seeing-beyond-just-looking/

 “…My discovery has been mostly I just acknowledged what came into my view.  Sometimes I walked by not seeing at all what was right before me.  Mine was a bad habit of hardly ever really “truly seeing” much of anything.  My mind seemed to always be racing forward thinking about where I was going, what I had to do and what issues I needed to deal with.  Or else, I was looking backwards trying to solve some past emotional riddle or find some meaning in an episode of life I wanted an explanation for….”  

That certainly describes well what was going on in my young teen years.  Until more recent times I just did not realize that the ability to actually see began trying to make its self known to me when I was quite young.  

In De Bello Civili Julius Caesar wrote “Experience is the teacher of all things”.  What Caesar wrote I believe is the first step where gaining wisdom begins, but experiencing is not enough.  I believe one must experience and then be  AWARE of what is being experienced to learn the lesson.    

On the website falcoblanco.com (white falcon) I found:  The BEST teacher is the conscious observing and relating to daily circumstances, then responding to it out of one’s own experience, being aware that this comes out of an old programming, which happened in one’s past. So also observing these reactions, one is able to decide to follow this track or to try a new way, what might guide to a new experience and triggering new unknown reactions to be observed and so allowing one to get to know oneself.  The best and most efficient teacher without doubt is one’s own awareness….    

This morning I intentionally tried the true seeing of myself in the mirror.  Even after all the time since I initially discovered the activity in my early teens and the many times trying it since, it still makes me uncomfortable.  In part I tell myself now it is because I see age, gray hair, wrinkles and the loss of youth.  That is a portion of it, but I do not think the majority.  The process remains an enigmatic mystery to me and one I will keep trying until I can allow the experience to become full awareness and thereby learn the lesson being taught.  

“Is that really me?  Who am I?  Why am I here?  What is my purpose?  What do I consciously think of myself?  Unconsciously?”  Such questions gnaw at the boundaries I have placed around the core of who I am.  What do I fear I might find there?  Why is there any fear at all? 

The only explanation I have come up with is contained in the thought “if I let you see who I really and truly am you may not like me”.  However, in my personal context it is “me” who has yet to let “me” see myself fully just as I am.  Each time I take up this subject there is a little more light that finds way into the inner circle of my self.  This blog is my best exploration of self I have discovered to date.  Through pulling back the curtains and letting others see deeply into me, I am seeing myself more clearly.  Each day I write here is like staring in the mirror and saying “who am I” then finding a little of the answer on the screen when I am done. 

With every experience of seeing a glimpse of the core of my being I find a little more comfort in being as I am.  This process brings me wisdom and insight in tiny pieces through a sort of delicious torture.  Stepping into the unknown can be for me everything from humbling to down right frightening.  Yet, I am grateful for every humble moment of unease that teaches me and brings my living to be more parallel with my true and real self.    

I am very grateful you are reading this.  Each who does is my appreciated ally and supporter who lends me encouragement to keep writing and mining my inner depths for truth.  Thank you.

We don’t see things as they are.  We see them as we are.  Anais Nin