What a range of emotion this past weekend contained. Friday evening through Sunday morning contained an abundance of good times including three delicious meals and other quality time with a total of six friends. How very richly blessed my days are to have such caring people in my life and I am exceedingly grateful.
Being positively charged from the comradery in the first 2/3’s of my weekend, Sunday afternoon I felt poised with equilibrium mentally and spiritually. Feeling strength and balance I decided to spend the afternoon doing a serious introspective meditation of the sort that digs down deep into the underpinnings of my emotional self. While these journeys are always good, getting this real and close with one’s self can be painful. Rarely have they hurt as much as what I encountered yesterday and into the night.
The subject of my contemplative hours yesterday revolved around a central theme including questions such as: why don’t I date, why won’t I allow any woman to reach my heart romantically, what holds me back, what am I afraid of, will I ever fall in love again and so on. An answer came, but it took a good while to peel back the layers to get at it.
For close to three hours I floated along in meditation without much consciousness of time. In the opening up to my deeper self came realization of how much I value my friends. They are my modern-day family. Digging deeper I contemplated past romantic relationships until I arrived at realization that stunned me. I came to know that even after much pain and sorrow and the passing of several years, the love for my 2nd wife still burns brightly in my heart. Yes, I knew I still cared about her but discovering the depth of what remains astonished and humbled me.
The answer to my self inquiry of “why” is simply in my heart I am still married to A., my second wife; nothing more, nothing less. There is enormous irony in realizing that is probably truer at this moment than we actually were a wedded couple.
There is a line that comes to mind which I included three weeks ago in a blog here titled “Unclouded Wisdom” http://goodmorninggratitude.com/2011/08/05/the-unclouded-wisdom-of-youth/
Never stop loving someone because you never know when they might start loving you back. But if that person won’t change, wait until your heart voluntarily quits.
Now I realize I had feelings stuffed down deep within me and had ceased to recognize them. Of course, that did not mean they were gone. I had hidden my feelings away in a sort of misguided self-protection. What was in my heart was waiting to show itself if I ever cared to look. Now I will continue on with the knowledge that given time the point will come when my “heart voluntarily quits” or resolution will come in whatever form it arrives in.
So I openly acknowledge what I now know to be true. The first step with moving forward with anything is to accept what is. In spite of the pain acceptance brings me this morning, I know it is a big step toward healing in a way I did not realize I was still wounded.
What poured salt on an exposed wound yesterday was when I went to my jewelry box to find my wedding band from my second marriage only to find it gone. Somewhere in my recent move and with workers in and out of my home the ring, along with a few others things, was stolen. I have no idea when or by whom and can only guess. There are several possibilities. There would be no purpose to filing a police report and I care not to go though an insurance claim. Just too painful. Maybe it is life’s way of starting me on the break that I need to make to heal my heart. That at least is how I find a silver lining in a dark cloud.
Yesterday was a time of tears and the release of great pain. While it was all healthy for me, this morning I am exhausted and running on the fumes of a few hours sleep. I know I will be better for the experience but also that it will take a little while for that goodness to come over me completely.
Of course, you can guess who I reached out to at the peak of my misery yesterday. Yep, my ex-wife. In spite of her having moved on with her life, she was exceptionally kind to me. It had been well over a year since we had spoken and we talked for a long while. It seemed neither of us wanted to get off the phone. I am grateful to her.
Life goes on. People change. Things don’t work out. Life is full of disappointment. But living is filled with enormous goodness as well. As long as I shall live, life is full of possibility. I accept fully and openly whatever life has in store for me. Always I will do my best to live my days well with deep grateful for the joys I am blessed with and thankfulness for the lessons I am taught.
Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.
from the TV program “The Wonder Years”